Well-meaning "encouragement"

[Ryn]

I have a very dear friend who has been unbelievably loyal and supportive of me through everything, but even she can't possibly know how it feels to be this trapped in PTSD and depression.

She sent along a congratulations for getting through the tough year at college, which was really sweet of her, and then she went on to say things like "there's only blue skies and sunshine ahead for you" and "things are only going to get so much better from here!" I know she was trying to be encouraging and kind, but it backfired because those things just aren't true. How can I possibly tell her I feel worse than I ever have and am going even further downhill? There are certainly no blue skies in my immediate future, and things can and definitely are getting worse. I just thanked her and we moved on, but I feel horrible.

For a long time I have felt like I am "too much" for my friends and those who support me. They were understanding and giving when I first became depressed, but at this point they aren't reaching out like that anymore and I feel like the best they can do is make vague reassurances like that, hoping I am better but never really asking. I feel like I have been sick "too long" and it is inevitable that people will give up on me sooner or later... some already have. Recently I have been struggling with a really strong onslaught of feeling like I should be "over it," since my trauma happened over ten years ago (though I only started remembering 8 or so months ago).

I struggle with guilt above anything, and this situation especially caused me to feel a lot of guilt and shame. I feel like I have to pretend I am better so as not to drag my friend down. I feel awful for sinking lower instead of seeing those blue skies, even though it is not my fault. She is one of those infinitely optimistic people and it is true I tend to be more pessimistic, but in this case I would LOVE for things to be improving... they just aren't.

Can anyone relate to this? At what point do I stop pretending and let her know I am actually not okay? Ugh. Sorry for the rant. I am not in the best place right now.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Unless they have it they will not understand where you are coming from. I lost so many people because they did not understand. When I found this forum, I have gotten so much help, encouragement and support.

I am learning to keep my mouth shut around people that do not understand. It has been a long time coming. This was a very painful realization for so many years for me. I do not want pity nor do I want people trying to fix me.

Your life has changed forever and this means that everything else is changing and you are seeing and realizing so many painful things about people you care for.

PTSD lasts the rest of your life, and in time you will start to have more and more good days, just not now.

I wish you the best.

 

[arfie]

I can relate, but I try to leave room in my life for a few ribbons and bows. No, the pretty packaging is not a fair representation of my life, but too much bitter truth gets me reaching for the razor blades. Not everything in life needs to be hard, cruel fact.

When somebody precious to me hands me a sugar pill on a day when I need to deal with the hard stuff, I slip it a drawer and let it slide. I am frequently amazed at how often it gives me a smile when I stumble on it later.

 

[Ryn]

Thanks to both of you. At the very least, I am touched that she would offer encouragement at all, so I am clinging to that.

 

[Wen]

Please don't take this wrong, but reading your post was actually comforting for me. I have the same exact problem and it's so hard to deal with my friends when they try to help. Because they don't know what PTSD is like, but have had "down" days, they love to tell me "oh I know how you feel", "just think happy thoughts like I do", "learn to do this or that because it worked for me" or... my 'favorite' - "you just need to take control of your emotions and thoughts". I tell them I have tried all of their suggestions (I've been dealing with this for over 3 yrs now) but they accuse me of not trying hard enough, long enough, or etc. I try to tell them I just can't stop the physical issues (twitching, hypersensitivity, shaking, breathing fast) but to them it's all in my mind and "you can control it". They think they can fix me but they just don't understand and that in itself hurts, at least for me. It's at that point I just shut up.

This forum has helped so much because finally I feel like I'm not alone and other truly understand. It's not something we can make "go away". I agree with the other comments and I just to add that you're not alone and I understand. And please forgive me if this seems like I'm rambling on. The last year has been pretty bad and sometime relaying my thoughts correctly becomes a challenge. Not to mention I'm EASILY distracted by intruding thought and forget what I was thinking, saying or doing.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you need to target your support seeking. I have a good friend who has PTSD and I can talk to her about general issues (but we never get too in depth as to not drag each other down). I have an OCD friend and I seek his support when my mind won't stop looping (we have obsessions about the exact same things, so he really understands). And then I have my more "fun" friends that I don't seek out such direct support from, but if they ask I feel comfortable saying "bad day, blah blah blah" or something like that, but I don't get into details because they just don't know how to truly understand because they haven't been there. I tend to see these friends when I'm doing well (or at least better!) as I'm not stupid, I know that the full brunt of my symptoms may in fact scare them! Oh, and I come here to seek out support from the forum, from people who have "been there and done that". If you have a therapist, that's another avenue of support, and so on.

I say all of this because the truth of the matter is that not everybody is cut out to be a friend to someone with PTSD. I know I'm not and I'm a sufferer myself so I know more of the ins and outs of PTSD! (My friend with PTSD was grandfathered in---we've known each other since age 13 before either of us were diagnosed.) I hate to say that you need to hide part of yourself from people, but yeah, sometimes you need to simply because not everybody can handle the truth.

 

[Ryn]

@Wen, I'm glad if relating was able to help you. You are certainly not alone. :)

And @Solara, I really appreciate that input. By far the most valuable thing I've learned from this forum is how NOT to over-rely or over-share on friends and other non-therapists for support... they can play a role, but not nearly as big a role as I once thought. That can be frustrating and sad, but honestly it also brought me a lot of peace and relief when I stopped talking to friends as much and feeling like I was putting burdens on them.

I just sort of feel like a huge liar at the moment... but I suppose getting back into therapy and being able to speak more truthfully to the therapist will help with that.

 

[Wen]

Ryn, try not to think that you're a huge liar because you really aren't. We all do it everyday when people ask us "how are you?". If it's someone close who really wants to know and you don't feel comfortable sharing, just tell them you're doing ok and you'd rather not discuss anything deeper at this time. Friends will (should) respect that.

You can even suggest to your friends that truly want to help by directing them to this and other PTSD sites. It's helped my husband understand that if I don't want to share, then that's ok and it's nothing against him. He realizes that sometimes sharing can throw me into a spiral because I'm thinking of things and they wont stop running thru my head and it builds and....I'm sure you see where that roller-coaster is going. He also learned that if he's talking about something that begins to trigger me and I tell him to stop (our code word is "spiraling"), he stops and changes the subject. No asking "why?" or "let's talk about it and I'll help you". That alone has been a big relief. I have a friend who is also reading up on PTSD so he can provide me with the best support. For reasons that would take pages to explain, it's been a slower and sometimes rough process.

This site/forum and other sites are not only wonderful tools for us, but also for those who want to understand what we're going through a little. Maybe sharing that with your friend would help?

 

[TeaLeaf]

I think I would have blown my lid had I heard someone say to me, "it's only blue skies and sunshine from here on out". That is such a poor way to try to be supportive. If she is a good friend, you might consider taking her aside and letting her know that though you appreciate her support, lines like this make you feel worse because it is so far away from how you actually feel. Sometimes people say things like this because they just aren't sure what to say and they have an overwhelming need to say something to make it all better because they can't deal with not knowing what to say.

I strongly recommend you seek out support groups or others that struggle with PTSD. Most people that have not struggled with PTSD will not fully understand how you feel because they just haven't been there. I try to understand that my Non PTSD friends have limited capability in understanding PTSD and I appreciate these friends for other shared connections and interests. My therapist and PTSD friends can handle my suicidal thought, dissociation and depression so I take those intense feelings to these folks. I have felt like I have been "too much" to people quite often. I have discovered that unloading my feelings and getting support means choosing to unload to those that can understand. I also spread out my need for support between several people when I am really struggling. One person can only take so much intense feelings and I don't want to burn anyone out.

It's a crappy feeling to feel pressures to be over it and better. Of course the stress of that makes you feel worse, I can relate to that. Please consider being a little more gentle with yourself, I'm guessing the trauma that happened to you was significant and you deserve to take time to heal. My trauma happened as a child and I am almost 35, have been in therapy since I was a teenager and I have overall got progressively better but still take meds and go to therapy.

It won't be sunshine and rainbows from here on out but there will be people out there that can understand you when you are feeling awful and are willing to be there and be supportive of you and how you are TRULY feeling. It's a matter of finding them.

Glad you are here.

 

[Ryn]

@Wen, thank you. For better or for worse, I'm not really at a place where I feel like I can ask for that kind of help and support... part of the guilt, I suppose. But that is good advice nonetheless. It helps that this particular friend I don't see very often lately so I don't feel the need to "hide" from her ALL the time.

@TeaLeaf, thanks - that is why this forum has been so helpful. It really does help to have people who can truly understand.

Sometimes people say things like this because they just aren't sure what to say and they have an overwhelming need to say something to make it all better because they can't deal with not knowing what to say.

I'm afraid that is my friend all the way. Most of the time I can choose not to be offended by her comments because I know her so well, and I know they come from a really sincere place of selfless caring and desire to see me get better. This time just proved a little too hard for me to rationally deal with.

If anything, this friend in particular is really great at cheering me up through fun activities and lighthearted things, so I can try to stick more to that when I see her.

 

[ghotiff]

I just sort of feel like a huge liar at the moment... but I suppose getting back into therapy and being able to speak more truthfully to the therapist will help with that.

My T suggested that its 'editing' not 'lying'. This has helped me.

 

[TimeToHeal]

Dearest @Ryn - I sorry I'm a bit late to the party, I haven't been on much the last few days.

While it's true that the comments from your best friend were not terribly helpful right now, may I suggest you try to focus on some bits of fact and some perspective? Such as:

• Your friend is young and (luckily for her) lacks any personal experience with PTSD or mental illness.
• Her true INTENT was to encourage you and to let you that all is not hopeless and that things CAN get better.
• From previous talks we've had about this friend, she really does love and care about you and will do anything she possibly can to help and be there for you.

@Ryn, this also brings to mind other talks you and I have had regarding the need and importance of you getting back into therapy. (I don't mean the following to sound rude or harsh, so please try not to take it that way)! It's really not fair to your friend, or more importantly, to yourself, to expect a peer friend to truly understand this thing that we live and deal with everyday, or to be capable of providing any true therapeutic words of wisdom. You've said before that what she IS capable of, and really good at, is providing much needed support by giving you some "normalcy," so to speak, by way of lighthearted talks and humor, laughs - which are very healing in their own right, and reminiscing about fun times and memories. In my opinion, this is such a valuable quality and friend! :)

(I may catch some flack for this next comment, but that's ok). I think there is such a thing as focusing too much on our "illness," and the negative thoughts, feelings, behavior, etc., associated with it. Now, that's definitely not to say that I think we can simply ignore it and "think happy thoughts," and all will suddenly be well. If that were the case, I'd have been "cured" years ago! But what I am saying, is that there is real value in allowing ourselves to be distracted from our misery and struggles sometimes, with moments of happiness and laughter! There is also great value in talking through our darkest thoughts and feelings, and in my opinion, the most appropriate and safest place to do that is with a trained, experienced, trauma therapist who is aptly equipped to handle these things and able to say the right things and guide us in the right ways and in the right direction.

I really hope I have not said anything to upset or offend you, as that is never my intention!

Many kind and gentle :hug: to you, my friend! I can't wait to hear about your lessons and trips to the barn!!!! :happy: