What’s the best way to end a relationship with a fellow sufferer?

[Justmehere]

Someone I have been communicating with about dating for about 2 months has PTSD. It’s long distance and there hasn’t be any in person connection. A number of “Skype dates.” Which isn’t really much.

This person is very successful in their profession, but they have some pretty robust PTSD symptoms. It’s impacted our relationship already. They will dissociate our conversations and even in a conversation. They have described other fairly unmanaged symptoms that concern me.

They acknowlegde the PTSD but don’t feel like the symptoms are bad enough to warrant getting help. “I lose time and forget a lot, but it’s not worth it to me to go to therapy and dig up the past.”

I’m pretty aware of how PTSD symptoms usually get worse when someone gets close to someone. They are not very interested in treatment, and I’m not interested in dating someone hoping they will change from how they are now.

I’d totally be up for being friends. But I’m guessing they wouldn’t be. (Just a guess though.)

But this isn’t the right relationship for a partner. Two people with PTSD can sometimes make it work, but I think it takes willingness on both parties to deal with their stuff. He doesn’t have that desire.

So be it. His choice.

And I’m choosing to walk away. I just need to tell him.

Sufferers, if someone couldn’t date you because of unmanaged and/or untreated symptoms, how would you like to be told?

Should I keep it simple and not explain why? Should I explain why? Any suggestions?

 

[Sweetleaf]

I’m not interested in dating someone hoping they will change from how they are now.

When seeking a relationship - it's -very- wise to never take on fixer-upper projects.

And I’m choosing to walk away. I just need to tell him.

No, actually. You don't need to say anything to him. You can just ghost him. There is literally no requirement to tell him anything. That said, I understand the desire to not leave someone hanging like that. Empathetically speaking, it is hard to ghost people.

I am not sure how to answer the question of how I'd prefer to hear it - but I think that if you're going to talk to him about it, just be honest.

 

[Stephernovas]

You can keep it simple AND explain why. You could say something like, "As you know, PTSD is hard on a person. It is even harder when unmanaged. As I've mentioned to you before, I am concerned about your symptoms and the fact that you are unwilling to seek treatment for it. I have a hard enough time ensuring my PTSD is not getting in the way of our relationship, but I cannot keep trying to ensure your PTSD symptoms don't get in the way either. That's your job. I'm sorry, I can't do it anymore. I am willing to be friends, but right now it's too hard to be in a relationship."

I don't know too much detail about your relationship, so hard to tailor what to say exactly, but you get the gist.

 

[Sweetleaf]

I think @Stephernovas has a good suggestion for something you could say.

Do you still want to be friends with him after @Justmehere or do you want to just break it off and end contact?

 

[Friday]

There’s no best way for everyone else, so I break up with people in a way that’s best for me.

To use my worst case theory example ... No matter what they did/said about the way I broke up with them, I’m not going to feel badly about it. <<< I also won’t usually argue it. Because there’s no need. I was fulfilling my OWN honor / requirements. Not theirs. So there’s nothing to argue. Once I’m happy with worst-case being fulfilled? Everything else is cake.

It also means that most of my breakups look different. Because I feel I owe other people different things.

ETA

* One standard I usually apply is not to kick anyone when they’re down. Meaning I tell very few people why it’s not working... unless they ask.

* I also usually give the TheLIST! of things I like best about them... either in the beginning, or before I tell them why I’m splitting with them. After the reason why dilutes both what’s ending things for me, and makes what rocks about them seem like a whiny consolation prize.

You are wicked smart, and funny, and passionate, and are sexy as hell... but while you are totally within your rights not to, I’ve done the unmanaged PTSD thing before, and that’s not something I’m willing to do, again.

-vs-

While you are totally within your rights not to, I’ve done the unmanaged PTSD thing before, and that’s not something I’m willing to do, again... but you’re wicked smart, and funny, and passionate, and are sexy as hell.

See that difference? Kinda crazy different impact, right??? (Or maybe it’s just me. Like I said, I do things to my own standards. :P )

 

[EveHarrington]

Whaaaaaaa? Nooooooo!

Do not ghost!

You run the risk of putting the other person off to the point where they hunt you down.

I speak out of experience. You ghost me? I FIND YOU! (Nothing illegal.) Ghosting is incredibly disrespectful and this guy doesn’t deserve that.

Do it via Skype. Tell him that you do not see the relationship working out. You can soften the blow by saying something along the lines of how two sufferers would have a tough go of it and it would only have a chance of working if both parties were independently working on healing.

But seriously, don’t ever ghost unless it’s a matter of safety.

If he starts to get nasty, you can immediately end the Skype session. You’ll know you took the high road by being honest with him.

 

[ILoveLife]

Yep, I agree ghosting is a last resort kinda situation. Causes pain and its disrespectful.

I agree with Friday.
I'm a rather simple person, I just tell them I don't see myself in a relationship with them - truth. And why I tried in the first place - the list @Friday talked about.
If he wants to know why not, tell him, sure, he can take it.

 

[Justmehere]

I won’t be ghosting. I’m trying to figure out what to say when I tell him it’s over.

 

[blackemerald1]

I'd suggest be brief. I don't think I would give him the 'you are not managing your PTSD' explanation. I'd keep it about you rather than him.

He has already told you he doesn't believe his PTSD needs work. He is likely to become defensive if you say that this is your reasoning.

Can't you tell him nicely that you have decided the relationship cannot proceed past friendship because you don't want it to? And stay on that point...it is all about you. Because it is isn't it? You make the decisions about what you want I hope.

 

[grit]

I do not feel right to advise you to break up or stay together. I am curious though if you have real examples of what they are doing in long distance that is bothering you. You said they forgot things but that is not enough to break up with a person and you said they are successful at their profession which requires a lot of psyche to be successful at anything.

My advise to you is this: how much are you projecting? contributing or creating in your mind? how do you know you are not just fleeing? maybe talk to your therapist who knows you better and see if you can clear up the hubris from the reality.

It is possible they are not right for you but it is also possible you are in pattern of some sort.

I wish you the best.

 

[Justmehere]

@grit - This thread isn’t about if I should date them, but what to say since I have made up my mind. While I don’t need my therapist to review everyone I date, she is in agreement I shouldn’t date this person any further.

I also usually give the TheLIST! of things I like best about them... either in the beginning, or before I tell them why I’m splitting with them. After the reason why dilutes both what’s ending things for me, and makes what rocks about them seem like a whiny consolation prize.

I really like this approach! And you are right, giving the list after the reason seems fake and whiney.

I asked to talk on the phone later - not as crappy as texting it, and easier for me than Skype.

 

[grit]

I am sorry I expanded my response to include dating issue.

Since you are set to break up, you really cannot predict his or her reaction, so do it with respect, tact and caring as you would wish another person would have done for you. You simply cannot predict their reaction to know you were soft, sensitive or a jerk by breaking up...that will be part of his profile and reaction to rejection...

Wishing you the best.