What Am I Still Doing Here?

[Monarch]

Does anyone else wonder "why the hell am I here?" I mean, seriously, this is a life long journey of heavy ups and downs, mostly downs, being lonely, confused and hurting. It just gets to me sometimes, I want a normal freaki'n life, I want normal ups and downs. I want normal responses to stressful situations. I want normal emotional responses......I am just so frustrated! :wall: I work hard, I do good, I think I am getting better and then wham, right back down in the hole. Now i remember why I hid this all, why I never talked about it and why pushing it all down was easier.

 

[zoe]

I am probably suppose to be positive here and tell you it will get better, but at the moment ...I couldn't have said it better myself.

 

[Irton Pike]

But this reasoning is false. You can have good times as you admit
"I work hard, I do good, I think I am getting better and then wham, right back down in the hole"
This sounds like you feel that having a setback invalidates the whole of your good work, and I don't think this is the case!

I used to repress everything and bury it but eventually the hole was full and it came spewing out into my working life. When I was repressing everything it was all downhill for me. Things got worse and worse. These days, although i have some very bleak black times, now that i am "out" there are times when i am alive and living and i never thought i would have normal emotional feelings about my family again.
The trend to the path is up. But sometimes i fall off. I now know i can turn it round. My wife knows I can too, I can tell her when i feel "rattled" or "shaky" or "on the edge". Better than being in hell ALL the time in my one man self torture salon!

Love

Dave

 

[Manic11]

Monarch,

I know this feeling very well. I'm sure most of us do.
But remember, that even though you feel like its easier to keep it all in, it isn't a good idea. It may feel like it's easier at first but then it will build up, your trust issues would get worse and that's how meltdowns happen.
Don't give up. Keep talking about it.

Manic

 

[shiraz]

yup .... I wonder all the time ... then I have a happy day and I remember .. oh yes, I was waiting for 'this'!

I heard this saying: Nirvana is reached through suffering ....
I hope that is true.

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

I know it appears easier to "stuff it down" but that is a temporary feeling good. Eventually it's going to come up and snatch you back down - HARD. That's why we are all here - I don't think anyone says - YEAH - I get to drag up all those crappy memories and figure out how I got where I am today. I know it's frustrating - sometimes unbearable - but I have to believe - although we may always have "bad" days - that eventually the good days become more frequent. It's just a long process and you have to remind yourself of that during the bad days.

(((Hugs))) to you - I hope you feel better soon.

 

[kers]

This sounds like you feel that having a setback invalidates the whole of your good work, and I don't think this is the case!

I get this, but when all I do is cycle between better times and bad times, it feels like I'm never going to get out of the PTSD hole. The setbacks aren't just temporary, they never stop. I think that's where some of the frustration comes from--when after working hard for years, there is a certain level of ptsd stuff that never goes away except temporarily.

I know it appears easier to "stuff it down" but that is a temporary feeling good.

This is a good point. Before I got treatment, not only was I having all the crappy ptsd symptoms, but I didn't know that's what they were. I felt weird and mentally ill and out of control, and I attributed it all to being a flawed, damaged human being. At least now if I have to be miserable, I know why! :rofl: But seriously, I think knowing what is going on inside me has made a huge difference towards reducing the impact of the bad times. It helps me separate myself, my being, from my symptoms.

 

[Monarch]

This sounds like you feel that having a setback invalidates the whole of your good work, and I don't think this is the case!

Ok Dave, you got me on that one. I am moving forward and I do learn alot everytime I am in that hole. Being there still isn't fun though.

I just wonder if I am even going to be able to communicate like a normal person instead of going to fight or flight response over little things. I just wonder what it is all for, sometimes (this is going to sounds bad) I envy those that just give up.

 

[Anonymoose]

My experience has been similar. Going along fine, getting better each day, feeling better (comparatively), then BAM! out of nowhere, I'm flat on my back again. I think it's just the nature of the (C-PTSD) beast.

 

[cat]

I fully agree with Kers, knowing what is happening inside & being able to make connection between our trauma & symptoms is a great help. Working through out trauma is the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'm just beginning to reap the rewards of it.

I used to find the up & down cycle of PTSD very frustrating, mostly because I felt I should be able to deal with all this on my own. Now that I have accepted help I have more up days than down, I can understand them more & accept that even without ptsd life is full of ups & downs.

Recovery is hard work, its about holding on to those good days, bit by bit, making the most of them & then using those feelings on the bad days to reverse our negative thoughts. When my T said that to me I felt angry & wanted to say 'have you ever felt like this' but she is right the more you focus on the good times the bad times do start to get less.

Eight months ago I felt like I was at the bottom of a well with no way out, but my hard work in therapy is paying off, yes there's been times when I wanted to give up but I'm so pleased that I didn't, I'm about half way out of that well now & still climbing!

Hang on in there Monarch, you can & will get through this.

Cat