Supporter What am i supposed to do - combat vet broke up but everything still the same except living together.

[Justmehere]

He ended the relationship over text?!

You deserve much better. I know that doesn’t help much right now, but it’s true. :hug:

For awhile it’s been true that you want more and he’ll give lip service to wanting more but his actions have shown for a long time he doesn’t want more...

The dangling girlfriend over you and all the reassuring and then now... ending it on text?! Low. That’s low. I’m so sorry.

But right now, not sure any of that helps. I’m most concerned about how you are doing. Do you have any friends or in person support you can spend time with today? Now is the time to find ways to take care of you. Don’t reach out to him to talk to him right now. You gotta get your feet under you first.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Last night, he took off without any explanation really, just said that he needed to go to his friends et...

That sound exactly like what I went through. InSeptember he said,”let’s take the relationship off the table”, I was thrown because I didn’t see it coming at all. Since then, we’ve maintained a nice friendship and in November I had to mentioned our anniversary date. (Ugh) right after that, I then noticed him pulling away and eventually shutting down with no contact. I haven’t really spoken to him since then, just a text here and there. I’m currently trying to regain the friendship at least because with that part of our connection, we were good. I find that if there is less pressure, almost like your just going with the flow, you’ll find more positive results. Again, I would suggest, give him some time to pull it together, and then let him reach out to you. Try not to have any expectations; just be casual. He sounds like a nice guy who just happens to have ptsd which calls for you to be the supporter you never thought you would.

 

[Justmehere]

Then we broke up, he started acting really weird, his symptoms started to get worse, and now it's like im trying to break down some barrier that was built.

My therapist talks about how it’s important to not bring down a wall or fence until you know why it was put up.

That wall... it’s his to take down.

That wall: He’s got PTSD. He’s self medicating with alcohol. He has no interest in treatment.

He’s got to do the work of recovery for that wall to come down and he’s not willing. You can change that or control that.

I'm just not happy right now. I know everyone goes through things, and rough patches, & that I shouldn't have expectations or put a time limit on something when its something and someone you want to last forever, but damn.

I totally disagree. You clearly do reasonably have expectations. Having gently but clearly communicated boundaries and limits is helpful for most relationships, and even more helpful when dealing with PTSD.

They are super important when a self medicating behavior is driving a relationship into the ground - and that’s what is happening here. He wants to keep going out all night to try to escape, treating you pretty bad and stringing you along... and you wanted to try to talk him into stoping.

You know you can’t control him. You can only control you. That’s what setting boundaries are like. It’s being fair to the sufferer and respecting them enough to make it clear what you need and want in the relationship and setting limits on what you are not ok with in the relationship.

always says yes, and that he wouldn't be with me all the time if he didn't. so he reassures me when I ask.

His actions have shown otherwise for quite some time.

This is honestly the most challenging relationship i've ever been involved in. I know it is changing me in a good way, because it is teaching me not to have control and stuff like that - so like do I just keep going with it?

It’s great to realize you can’t control others but there’s the really important other half to that; being able to control you and your life with boundaries which are super important.

I am currently having a mental breakdown, someone please talk to me. He just ended things out of nowhere.

It’s not actually out of nowhere. It’s a crap shit text, but he’s really been in friend status and pulling away for a long time... one blip on New Years doesn’t a relationship make.

He’s made his decision, don’t pressure him to change it because that will backfire. Accep his no and show him what life without you is like. Let him face reality without the gem of a supporter that you are. If he comes back, then it’s him finally showing the actions that he wants to make his work. But right now, respect the boundary he has set.

Take care of you right now most of all ok? There is probably a lot of panic and grief mixed up for you right now. Hang on through it, get support, it will get better. :hug:

 

[Freida]

I dont like not knowing, i do not like uncertainty, i need to know all details at all times, and the fact that i don't know anything, is making me pani

I say this to help..not to lecture...... This will never work in a ptsd relationship. You are asking for things someone with ptsd cannot give you because they don't know. I can't give you the answer when even i don't know what I'm doing. There is nothing wrong with you wanting this. It's who you are wanting it from that is the problem.

To which he responded " no thats literally not what it is, i just told you what it is. I want to be alone now. Theres no conversation to be had between us"

I know you are upset and I'm so sad for you. But this is your answer. There probably won't be any more. I know that when I've reached the point of walking away I'm done. And I won't be back. I know it doesn't make sense to you. But it does to me ...because I have ptsd.

I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I can't imagine what you are feeling. You deserve so much better than this

 

[krisss]

i’m so unbelievably distraught. i don’t understand him, or half the things he said because i know they aren’t true. it’s like he’s saying them to push me away on purpose. i left work because i was so upset and now i’m home just waiting for him to get here to get his things. what do i even say what do i even do when he’s here? i’ve been so patient and so understanding, i’ve come to this forum i’ve researched articles i’ve done so much to be better for him for us and this is what i get.

he has done this so many times. i’m growing weary. i feel like he only wants to be alone so that he can’t feel upset or guilty that i’m upset over him being sneaky & staying out so late. he can do all those things without worrying about me so that’s why he’s leaving, again.

i seem to have overflown his stress cup.
:(

this is a nightmare

 

[Deleted member 44240]

i’m so unbelievably distraught. i don’t understand him, or half the things he said because i know th...

You don’t need to do anything. Let him get what he needs and leave. Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do at this point. I found that out the hard way. Let him go and work it out. Maybe he’ll come back, if so, you can try to work on things then. It’s hadd as hell, I know. I’m there too, but there’s nothing we can do.

 

[mumstheword]

So sorry Kriss. This must hurt a lot. We are a tortured bunch and if you don't understand and want to, it must be torturous for you too.

Mine once told me, "go out and live your life, don't wait for me".I had to do what he wanted coz I love him. I eventually got him back but can't have "normal" expectations like a "normal" relationship. Luckily I do get it coz I have ptsd too (never thought it would be "lucky" to have it but there you go, silver linings) but if you are the kind of girl who needs control, predictability and certainty, a relationship with someone with ptsd just won't suit you. So I.suggest to do what my SO told me to do, go, live your life.

If it's true love, and you can handle the uncontrollable life of a PTSD sufferer, you guys may have a future, otherwise, and any way for now at least, make a life for yourself, do lots of self care, forget about him as much as you can, take it as it comes, don't try to get all the answers, he needs privacy and space and less expectations than you can.manage right now.Take care, and get some support, please!

 

[Deleted member 44240]

So sorry Kriss. This must hurt a lot. We are a tortured bunch and if you don't understand and want...

I agree with @mumstheword. Although it’s hard as hell for me to accept his not being available for me right now, I have to. I’m trying hard to get him to feel comfortable with me again so that we can be ok. I have to remember, it’s all up to how he feels and if he wants it. I’ve given up all expectations for a real relationship; I’ll just let things naturally happen. I know he’ll feel better with this.

 

[LuckiLee]

Can't talk right now...


But if I were you I wouldn't be there waiting. It will backfire. He cannot handle your emotions!!!!!

Good luck. I'll check back later...

 

[krisss]

update - he was here for about 45 minutes and then left.
i was very calm, i didn’t cry until he was leaving. i spoke to him without yelling or being too upset. i told him basically that it wasn’t fair that he said it had to do with his feelings because it doesn’t. he agreed. then i said that i respect his decision and i respect him as a person and i know he needs to be alone and that he can’t do whatever he’s doing or anything like that with me or with him worrying about me being upset. i told him i’ve only been upset because he never talked to me and told me what was happening and that i worry about him and i worry about the things he’s doing and i worry because i love him and the things he’s told me has scared me that he isn’t making the right choices. he said he just wants to be alone and deal with some things and he needs time to do that. i told him it’s never been about his feelings because he was about to meet my mother he would talk to me about having my kids and marrying me and stuff and it wasn’t fair of him saying anything about him not being able to feel those things because that was a lie and he again agreed. he just listened a lot. and at the end i was like of course i don’t want you to go but i want you to go if you need to. and i was like i love you very much and he said he loved me very much too. and then he started to pack and stuff and at the end i was just like i’m not going to hear from you am i and he said not for a while and i was just like well i’m here if you need me and he said you too you can call or text me anytime. then he hugged me and just put his hands on my face and was like give me a kiss i love you and i kissed him and he left his key to my house and walked out. then he sat in his car for a bit and i ran out and kissed him like 3x and then told him now he could go. and i’m now back inside on the couch.

i feel a little more at peace than i did before he came to get his things. i was able to get my point across without raising my voice or anything. he was sure to say that this has nothing to do with me but everything with him. he even thanked me at the end for talking to him and not yelling at him or being upset when i have every right to be.

i’m obviously still upset, heartbroken, the works. but i guess i have to have faith that if it is meant to be, we will find our way back to eachother. maybe then we’ll be a little more healed than we are now.

:(

 

[Deleted member 44240]

update - he was here for about 45 minutes and then left.
i was very calm, i didn’t cry until he was l...

Kudos to you for being strong through such a challenging experience. Sounds like he just needs some space for a while. At least he acknowledges the love he has for you and wanted to kiss you before he left. Now, it doesn’t mean he’ll return, but he left you with some hope.

 

[krisss]

Kudos to you for being strong through such a challenging experience. Sounds like he just needs some space...

I’m not going to hold on to any kind of expectation or think he’s going to come back. i have to act as though this is it or i’m just going to drive myself crazy thinking about everything. I’m still very sad and upset though. it’s been a little over an hour and i miss him so much. not sure how i’m going to do this really.