Supporter What am i supposed to do - combat vet broke up but everything still the same except living together.

[Justmehere]

I can see why you are concerned but I don’t think those concerns are made any better by talking to him. If anything, that could just make this more difficult and lead him on.

BUT, my best friend said i should contact him and ask him if he is going to go to the wedding, if we can be civil for one night etc.

I know you know this, but you should both be civil for the sake of the wedding and the wedding party, and because of that, you shouldn’t treat it like it’s actually up for negotiation to be civil or not. Yes, despite the possibility of being seated together - it’s still not up to negotiation. He’s been clear you are not in a relationship, so you shouldn’t have to come to an agreement on this. You were both invited, you are both able to go, and you are both responsible for yourselves as adults, and each of you are responsible for evaluating if you are able to stay civil no matter what the other person does.

And that’s how to evaluate it: don’t depend on his behaving one way or another or you will set yourself up for disappointment and frustration.

Month after month, he’s been Mr-Unreliable when it comes to these events. Holidays, parties, and now this wedding. You can’t even count on him even showing up (like the birthday party.)

You keep understandably treating it like you are a couple, and expecting or trying to get him to do the same, and he has a very solid track record of being a flake and dragging your heart around...

By talking to him about this as if you are parnters in this, when he’s not able or willing to offer that kind of relationship, you are both headed for frustration and disappointment. At best.

The more you can make your decisions about your life independent of how he conducts his, the better off you will be.

If he knows you are basing your decisions about your life off his actions, the more he could dangle his possible attendance over you to try to hook you back into his life more, and then not even show up, again.

First, we dont hate eachother, so I dont see it as not being civil. Second, should i even ask that being that its not for another 3 weeks? Or should I wait?

In terms of navigating the wedding, I think it’s ok to ask the person doing the seating arrangements to sit at a different table, without getting into a big explaination as to why. I worry that if you don’t ask to sit someplace else and/or try to talk it through with him and come up with some plan to not be jerks to each other while there, and try to talk him into being what you want, you will get your heart set on him being there and being civil, and it will feel all the worse if you go and are sitting next to an empty chair, or sitting next to him being uncivil.

Or even better, do you have a friend that is going? Can you ask to sit next to them instead of him?

 

[krisss]

I can see why you are concerned but I don’t think those concerns are made any better by talking to...

AMEN.

wow that explanation spoke life into me. I didn't think I was personally doing that, as far as basing things off him or his feelings, but i guess I am. Why should I be concerned with whether or not he is going, will be civil or not etc.

I can only be concerned with myself and my actions, not his. & you are right.
When he did not show up to that birthday party it crushed me, because i half expected him to be there. I think this would do the same thing.

Track record for being a flake is 100% if not 200% correct, i can never depend on him for anything. & i think he would tell me he would go, and we would be okay and civil and have a good time, and then not showing up would in a way devastate me.

The thing is that the table we're sitting at is our ENTIRE group of friends, which consists of all couples. And now, him and i. So as far as my friends going, yes they are. & that's the table we're all assigned too. One of those big round tables. And the fact that everyone is a couple, it would make sense that we would be next to each other. So frustrating.

I'm not even sure if he'll go. And part of me feels as though he will do exactly as he did for the birthday, text/call me asking if he would see me; knowing damn well that I will be there. I don't understand him or his logic.

& i was so dumb and stupid for allowing him to spend the weekend with me. & now look, 4 entire days with not even a peep. unbelievable.

I cant wait to look impeccable at the wedding, and if he doesn't go, he'll sure as hell see the pictures. & he'll know he doesn't get to have me anymore!

 

[Freida]

I cant wait to look impeccable at the wedding, and if he doesn't go, he'll sure as hell see the pictures. & he'll know he doesn't get to have me anymore!

Yes!! That's our girl!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Ok... this would be the time to tell your friends that you have broken up, and that you aren't responsible for his social calendar.

I would not contact him. This is not how you focus on yourself and move on.

 

[Justmehere]

@krisss - you’ve got this!

Don’t give into feeling pressured to handle this one way or another because everyone’s coupled up. Couples break up, it happens all the time. Hold your head high and impress them all with your style and class, in how you dress and how you’ll act - you’ll shine!

 

[krisss]

ITS SO HARD to not feel pressured sometimes. Like I am expected to do something when it comes to him, and I simply just dont want to anymore. I feel, and as you all KNOW, that i've done all i can and have gone above and beyond. Probably even more than that.

Im exhausted. I just want to have a great night with my friends and have fun - with or without him there. Its all the same to me.

 

[krisss]

I just went and re read almost this entire thread. You guys are my life savers. I come here when i'm feeling lost, and confused, uneasy and you all smack me back into reality.

I'm honestly probably going to sound like a sap for this but i really wish I could meet all of you and hug you all. You've been my outlet in a sea of uncertainty and darkness. So very thankful for you guys having my back through this.
@Freida @leehalf @Buttercup @Justmehere @Sweetpea76 @B.J. & if i missed anyone just know it goes out to you as well :hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[LuckiLee]

@krisss. We're all here for each other.

Go, enjoy the wedding. Be the classy lady that you are. Personally I wouldn't expect him to show up. If he does he'll probably get pretty liquored up to try to "act normal".

But then what do I know? PTSD is so unpredictable!!!

 

[krisss]

Just wanted to give a tiny update as i’m feeling so proud of myself today!

I woke up to TEN MISSED CALLS from him, beginning at 5:30am up until 6:30am. Literally 10. Then i checked my texts and had a text from him saying “I’m drunk and i miss you”

two hours pass and he goes to my mothers instagram and likes a picture she posted of me and her & then an hour after that, texts me again saying “Ignore that”

this guy has issues. I almost thought the calls were an emergency until i saw his text.
AND GUESS WHAT. I DID NOT REPLY, SHOW ACKNOWLEDGEMENT NOR WILL I

he goes almost an entire week without saying one single word to me to then calling me back to back and telling me he misses me because he’s drunk.

if i’m not worth the sober i miss you, or the sober calls? then you can keep that shit.

i’m more than any drunken call.

Idiot.

 

[Justmehere]

AND GUESS WHAT. I DID NOT REPLY, SHOW ACKNOWLEDGEMENT NOR WILL I

Yes! Exactly! Well done!

You are worth SO MUCH more.

When you are ready, save yourself this heartache... and block. his. number.

 

[Freida]

AND GUESS WHAT. I DID NOT REPLY, SHOW ACKNOWLEDGEMENT NOR WILL I

I am so proud of you!!!!!!

 

[Teasel]

It' really really great to read the progress you've made @krisss well done you :D