Relationship What are the hardest parts about a PTSD relationship for you?

[bellbird]

Hi Supporters,

I've been with my boyfriend for about 4 months now, and I really care about him. Since we've been in a relationship, I've found myself browsing on the supporter side more often, to better understand what this PTSD experience is like for him.

I've been wanting to ask you all here: what are the parts of a PTSD relationship that are hardest on you?

What things can/does your sufferer do that make those/other aspects of a PTSD relationship easier on you?


I would really appreciate any insight you have on this - thank you :)

 

[Never_falter2]

The most difficult? Lack of communication... for example he didn’t tell me in the beginning the he was triggered by crowds, triggered by people/busses/trains not on time. He also tried to hide when he had a ptsd attack - but I noticed anyway. So I noticed he was very, very stressed by a bus being late all while trying to hide it and just felt like: what’s going on.
Sorry, I must go now. Hope it is okay for @Sweetpea when I write more later.

 

[OrangeJulius]

Isolation and generally staying at home/not going to events/stuff.

Isolation I don't think there's much he could do. It took us a few years to find our groove after many misunderstandings. I think him accepting what I said about my experience through it helped us reach that point even though he disagreed with what I said.

For example: I back off during isolation but then he'd come out of it and I wouldn't know yet so he'd be like "wtf why are you ignoring me? " and I'd have to explain. But he doesn't remember all the little things: like me kissing him goodbye and him not reacting to my presence in any way. So, I'd create distance to protect my mental health because stuff hurts....but he didn't understand why I have to "ignore" him. Thankfully he took my word (even though he couldn't remember my examples) that it was necessary and that was that. I'm now better at catching the end of isolation and I'm much less senstive to those moments in general so it hasn't come up in a while.

Secondarily, he hates doing any and everything. He is never my +1 atccx events unless I force him. I appreciate that I NEVER get any resistance from him for maintaining my same social calendar I had before we started dating.....even when I plan something on our one night off together (which I wouldn't do if I knew his work schedule but he never tells me so that's on him). I also appreciate to no end that the few times I've wanted him with me at certain things, he's come...even when the whole event was tortuous for him. The only thing he didn't come to that I was upset about was my grandmother's funeral....but I didn't explicitly tell him I wanted him with me because my headspace wasn't terribly clear....but that's still on me for not expressing my wishes clearly to him. I just wish he had put together that that's a normal boyfriend thing to do and offered....something....anything. He was pretty checked out at that time ....but I was so immersed in my own thing that I don't rememeber everything too clearly so ?‍

Hope that helps!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Isolation was tough until we got the hang of it and came to a mutual understanding. Lashing out and me being the “designated asshole” is also rough. I know the drill now, and have learned to let a lot roll off my back, but he has also gotten A LOT better at controlling his reactions than he used to be. I learned to set my boundaries about that and he cares enough to respect them.

Lack of affection and appreciation can be a bitch a times, but I’ve learned that he really does love me even if it doesn’t always seem like it.

The thing that is absolutely the hardest for me as a supporter is suicidal ideation. It terrifies me, and I hate it. I had a suicide in my immediate family, and I don’t want to hear him waxing poetic about killing himself or wishing he was dead. That’s one of the things he’s had to accept about me. If he was honestly suicidal he knows he can come to me, but SI is not something that is good for *my* mental health.

 

[BlackHole33]

The angry outbursts over seemingly nothing. Being cold with me but warm with strangers. Isolation. Feeling like I don't really matter.

 

[Ronin]

(Answering from the supporter position)

Conversely, not knowing about their suicidal ideation / SI.

Stresses me endless.

I need to know about it. Spent years in prior relationship triaging suicidality mixed homicidality that was just lies. I got pretty good dealing with that mix in relationship, as when it's real.

Also lost way many to suicides. I need the chance to act. I trust myself to think for two-three. But being kept in the dark - and knowing everyone else is too - doesn't protect me.

Communicate with me when it's shit dark. Give me a chance to right it.

 

[Ronin]

& pardon the Off topic Bellbird...

@ BlackHole33, are you sure you want to put up with that abuse of you? Because even if it IS caused by PTSD, he still has no right hurting you.

 

[BlackHole33]

Nope, and that's why I ultimately walked away for the sake of my sanity. But I know I'm in no way alone in my experience. Word to the wise: Being a supporter can really do a number on your self-esteem, so just make sure you realize exactly what you're getting yourself into.

 

[LuckiLee]

I'm not always able to "truly" express my feelings/frustration. (Fuel to fire.) My stress cup runneth over too! ?

 

[Sweetpea76]

@LuckiLee Yes!!!

I’d love to be the one to have a shitty day or have a melt down every once in awhile!!

 

[Butterfly64]

Hi Supporters,

I've been with my boyfriend for about 4 months now, and I really care about him. Since we've been in a relationship, I've found myself browsing on the supporter side more often, to better understand what this PTSD experience is like for him.

I've been wanting to ask you all here: what are the parts of a PTSD relationship that are hardest on you?

What things can/does your sufferer do that make those/other aspects of a PTSD relationship easier on you?


I would really appreciate any insight you have on this - thank you :)

Him being able to spend time with everybody but me. That is super frustrating. I know that it is much easier for him, to spend time with other people than me, because they are just friends...they are not as “dangerous” as I am. But it still annoys me after almost three years, because it makes me wonder, if they are better company than I am.....intellectually I know that it is not the case, but emotionally it plays tricks on my mind.

 

[Never_falter2]

The thing that is absolutely the hardest for me as a supporter is suicidal ideation. It terrifies me, and I hate it. I had a suicide in my immediate family, and I don’t want to hear him waxing poetic about killing himself or wishing he was dead. That’s one of the things he’s had to accept about me. If he was honestly suicidal he knows he can come to me, but SI is not something that is good for *my* mental health.

This! My guy has felt suicidal in the past, first time he had a bad time he didn’t tell me. He told me only much later. Second time he told me and it was very stressful for me to hear but I am happy he had me to trust in.

@bellbird You asked what made it easier for us. For me he made it easier by making clear that he may feel like this and he also felt like at the verge of a nervous breakdown but he told me he would be still able to act. He made clear to me that he knows exactly what he is doing and that I must not worry.
He also told me that while he felt suicidal he would never act in it - and he tries everything to get better.

Generally speaking - not only when it comes to thoughts of suicide, but what makes coping with ptsd symptoms easier for me:
honesty about the symptom - has to work on that but it’s getting better
He is still able to keep his head - pretty good at it, in fact better than many who don’t have ptsd
He never gives up - pretty good at it
He isn’t a quitter when it comes to things that are difficult for him - pretty good at it
He is lovely - I mean he could also be bitter, couldn’t he? But most of the time he is lovely and sweet

Sometimes it is difficult to be me but often it is good to be married to a man who is actually lovely and sweet and tries to see things in a positive light... and also I think that he is inspirational because of what I mentioned before because he keeps a cool head, because he is not a quitter.
I know he would prefer very much not to have ptsd and I would prefer that too but then I think it shows what kind of man he really is, tough times show what we are really like inside... and he can be proud of himself.

Wishing you all the best for your relationship @bellbird.