General What are they thinking?

[Freida]

It is sad to say, but his viewpoint actually makes perfect sense to me. The whole - I love you /I hate you/ Stay with me/ Go away thing? yea. been there. And yep -there are days I hate hubby for supporting me. How dare he?! Then I range from I'm ok being on my own and I don't need you to why aren't you doing your share and taking care of me on pretty much a daily basis.

PTSD (for me at least) is about surprises and safety. I don't like to be surprised so I have back up plans for my backup plans. And that always revolves around safety and the ability to escape. If something were to happen to me and I couldn't control those two things I would be a raving bitch because I would be so afraid of what was going to happen next. It wouldn't matter who is doing the caretaking. I would resent the shit out of them because they were a constant reminder that I had failed in being able to keep myself safe. I took 4 months just to decide to quit my job after I was put on disability because the idea of losing that independence is so terrifying. Plus, I feel horribly guilty because I was the main earner in our home and now he has to stay at a job he hates. And I feel bad for the days when I am mean to him just because I'm losing my mind, or we can't go somewhere because I'm losing my mind, or we have to drag my service dog with us everywhere because, wait for it, I'm losing my mind.

Its funny as I go back and re-read your post and then my answer to think how much more sense his version makes to me than yours does. I look at his and think... well duh. I look at yours and think.... huh?. Even though I like yours more.....

 

[Snowflakes]

@A concerned spouse Your post makes perfect sense to me. I truly understand “doing all the wrong things with all good intentions” I am intently following this conversation.

Edit.... @Freida Your reply popped up while I was typing and thinking. Thank you for your insight

 

[A concerned spouse]

@Freida does it seem strange that Im actually relieved that you understand him more than me Lol? It's actually more comforting than you will ever know. It helps me to realize or affirm that it's not me, it's just how he deals. For sufferers we are told not to take it personally because it's not us and I do a pretty good job at that . . . But then there's that one small thing that's important to me . . . That one moment of weakness when all the strength goes out the window and you take it personally and the insecurities hit you hard. Then I'm pissed at myself because I know better.

And then I'm also thankful that @Snowflakes understands the way I perceive it because I realize that this is just something that PTSD does in relationships and I'm not alone. It makes it "normal" even though it feels informal.

I'm just tired of over thinking things and when you give me your perspective @Freida It helps makes sense in a place where it makes no sense to me!

 

[Freida]

I'm having the same realizations from what you (the sufferers) post! I had NO idea that taking off was considered a bad thing until I came here and saw you all talking bout it. And I've been doing it for decades. I think I assumed that mine wouldn't want to deal with me and I was doing them a favor by bailing and isolating when my crap gets to be to much to handle. When I first started reading about how it affects you guys I was amazed. And sadly while I can see it I still don't quite "get" it --- because...wait for it ...it's never been about you.

It has been eye opening though honestly it is kind of upping the pressure on me to "behave" and take others feelings into consideration. I think this is why when I suggested this thread to my T she told me to tread carefully. When I'm in ghost mode I have no idea what I'm feeling, much less what anyone else is feeling. That pull to run has been buzzing all day and I'm trying to ask myself, will they really be upset? Ok - yes, because you guys say so. But in my brain (and that of my pstd buds) it's apples and oranges. how can you be upset when I'm doing this for us? :facepalm::banghead::sorry:

 

[A concerned spouse]

@Freida suprisingly I feel the same way as you but on the opisite platform. I back off and give my hubby space because ya'll are constantly saing its vital for your survival and healing. I go against every pull, desire and conviction to firce him to talk to me when hes in that ghost period. I don't understand it but it helps.

My hubby is a lot like you. His truck is his sage place. He can drive for hours with no place in mind to go. He always has to sit where he can see the door so he can see what's coming at him all the time.

I sometimes feel sad because he doesn't trust anyone and I've been thete through thick and thin . . . Through all of it for 36 years now and you would think I would have gained his trust by now. It hurts when he doesn't.

I had the perfect childhood and can never comprehend being treated anyway but being profoundly loved by my parents. I was nurtured, protected, loved and guided. I was raised with faith, hope and love. Therefore I will never understand the trauma that my hubby endured.

I know that my life and my positive outlook and my ability to always see the good and the ability to love whole heartily intimidates by hubby.

So when you are in your ghost mood, what is it that your hubby does that affects you in a negative way? And what does he do that affects you in a positive way?

 

[grimalkin]

This thread has been/is immensely helpful for me. @A concerned spouse, I feel ya. I did the wrong things for the right reasons. I had no idea I was doing too much for my sufferer (because I didn't know he was a sufferer), which led to resentment for both of us. And then, because of the day to day of attempting to navigate a relationship with uncontrolled mental illness, the co-dependency crept in.

Now, the thing I'm trying to work past is that he knew about his PTSD and refused to acknowledge it, but pulled me into a relationship anyway, only to do what he promised he wouldn't (run when it gets too hard). I'm trying to forgive him for that. I'm trying to forgive myself for letting my own boundaries be broken.

 

[A concerned spouse]

I honestly don't believe he meant to "pull you into a relationship without telling you about his PTSD". I think for any of us PTSD or no PTSD we are opt to tell anyone these kind of personal issues. I think when they aren't suffering any episodes, they feel in control and don't see it as an issue, so why share?

But then as I believe all supporters and sufferers know full well . . . PTSD strikes so fast and furious that no one sees it coming and we all feel like we just got buried by an avalanche.

He most likely thought he had his PTSD under control and it wasn't an issue. But with all relationships come stress and one time or another and we all know about PTSD and the stress cup. I'm sure his intentions were never to leave or walk away but PTSD forces something different in their minds when it attacks. It's sad but true.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I think the hardest thing for a supporter to grasp is "he/she isn't running from ME, he/she is just running". In any other relationship it's a break up. It makes zero sense to people who don't have that "flight" response. Confusion makes everything 20 times worse.

I think I'm grasping the general concept pretty well. Mine is a regular isolator. Its pretty routine for us, and it never lasts very long. However when he bails for longer than "usual", there are times I still get that nagging in the back of my head... "is it me/our relationship?" OR I just know he's stewing about everything wrong in his life and I worry he's vilifying me and everything I'm doing "wrong" while I'm not around.

It's pretty scary sometimes, even if you're used to it. Logically, sure... emotionally is a different story.

My biggest fear is him not being safe, followed closely by the idea of losing him.

 

[A concerned spouse]

Well said @Sweetpea76 . Exactly how I feel. I couldn't have said it better myself! It's so hard to understand when you truly don't understand. It's hard to sit back and watch and know there's nothing you can do when your mind is so overcome with ideas of what to do. Sometimes it gets unbearably lonely.

 

[Freida]

I sometimes feel sad because he doesn't trust anyone and I've been thete through thick and thin . . . Through all of it for 36 years now and you would think I would have gained his trust by now. It hurts when he doesn't.

It is hard. We've been together 20 some years and I still run away, even though I know I'm safer here with him. Trust is a funny thing. Do I trust him not to cheat on me? Yep. Do I trust him to be a good providere and my partner and my friend? yep. Most the time I do trust him. But. When the escape comes it's like it just dissolves. I don't NOT trust him. I just can't trust anyones. Part of that may be that I'm still struggling with the things I did that led to ptsd and I'm guessing that could be said by a lot of us. It has been so surprising to find you all saying that's not the important part to you.

I think the hardest thing for a supporter to grasp is "he/she isn't running from ME, he/she is just running".

YES YES YES

So when you are in your ghost mood, what is it that your hubby does that affects you in a negative way? And what does he do that affects you in a positive way?

hmmmm... I'll need to think on this - but I think one of the big things is that he lets me run. Sometimes he comes with, sometimes not. Its to the point now where there isn't any drama (usually).
me: hey hunny - I'm out!
him: ok - where ya going?
me: option....depending on mood
him: ok -- text me when you get there

I'm usually only gone a couple days - just enough to regroup. I don't know if he gets upset (probably should ask him about that huh?)

Now, the thing I'm trying to work past is that he knew about his PTSD and refused to acknowledge it

yea ---- thats a really bitchy thing to say! yea. I have ptsd. whats your point? Have I been dealing with it? yes. now fast forward 10 or 15 years and find out that there could have been better ways to deal with it but who are you to tell me that? I am who I am - take it or leave it. You can't handle my mood swings or my fear or my issues then you are simply reinforcing the idea that "they" can't be trusted because all they want to do is change us. And how the hell do we pull you into a relationship? Why are you adding more to the blame we already have to handle? I can't cope with my emotions - how am I supposed to cope with yours?

And do you have any idea what "acknowledge it" means? It means digging up memories of events that almost killed you, being abandoned by those who were supposed to help you, and learning a series of coping techniques on the fly during the most dangerous time of your life. So when we start to acknowledge it we get nightmares and panic attacks and try frantically to find ways to shut up our brains before they explode from the stresses of carrying sheer terror for years and years. And when we do get brave enough to try to slay the monsters what do we run into? People who bitch because they cant cope. Oh gosh ...I'm sorry that me having to relive my friends being blow up makes me cranky. What would you like me to to do to make you feel better. no. If I'm having to relive it you are no longer in my world. Because the only thing that is in my world is right now is death and screaming and pain and terror. There is no room for piddly ass worries about relationships and other peoples feelings.



hey - I told you I was going to be honest. welcome to a trigger

 

[grimalkin]

Intellectually, I know he didn't pull me in with ill intent, or with the thought that he'd eventually do the same thing again, or anything like that. I know he loved (past tense? who knows! lol) me as best he could for as long as he could. Intellectually I KNOW. It's the emotional part that has a hard time wrapping her...emotions (? Because it's not her head!) around that.

I think the hardest thing for a supporter to grasp is "he/she isn't running from ME, he/she is just running".

It's this dichotomy I'm trying to keep straight, and maybe I have to just stop trying to keep it straight.

Basically, I just have to accept he ran. The Reason (with a capital R!) may be PTSD. But since he won't acknowledge it, I just have to pretend that the reason is me.

Which I'm starting to realize WHY my therapist says I may be better off cutting him out of my life. :unsure:

 

[grimalkin]

Aaaand ok, so "pull me in" may be the wrong words to use, as if *I* had no agency. I did. I also trusted him to tell me the truth, and to be willing to work to be the person he said he wanted to be. He said he wanted to be the best he could be, I didn't tell him he had to.

I didn't enforce my own boundaries, and that's on me. Oh, is that on me.

@Freida your honesty is a good thing. Definitely.