General What are they thinking?

[LuckiLee]

You address his needs when you're in a better place. After an "episode" we both feel like shit. He always asks me "are you okay"? (so sweet how he says it). Sometimes it van take a couple of days to get back in the swing of things. And that's ok. As long as we're making progress and able to communicate. I'm good.

When PTSD is on the back burner J can be all those things he wants to be. Kind. Loving. Affectionate. Funny. Happy. Helpful. Etc.

Those are the days that get me through the bad days.

 

[EveHarrington]

Do any of you know and can explain to me why my sufferer never „ghosts“? He works long hours a...

It’s a myth that everyone with PTSD ghosts. I have never ghosted anyone. I fight like hell, but never ghost.

I don’t think there is one single behavior or reaction that everyone with PTSD exhibits.

It’s just common here as the typical supporter joins only after being ghosted and wants to know when their partner is coming back. I’ve never had a partner who has felt a need to get support from a forum like this, so you don’t hear from supporters like mine——hence the skewing of symptoms to appear more common than they really are.

 

[Freida]

@EveHarrington brings up a good point. I didn't even know ghosting was a thing until I came here and realized that the supporters were describing me! It was quite eye opening.

 

[P. Corey]

Is the anniversary date thing a big, common issue for sufferers? My wife gets worse every November because she had 3 family members die (different years) in November. She knows each death anniversary date and has an even harder time than usual leading up to and during November. This is one of her issues that I've had a tough time understanding. I remember good dates...wedding anniversary, birthdays, date I was awarded custody of my son, etc. However, I couldn't tell you the specific date of any of my loved ones. I've lost 2 brothers and both parents. I know my mother passed somewhere right around Xmas, but I made a point not to remember the date. I don't think about her death as Xmas gets closer. From my logical brain, I think to myself, why can't she just look at it like...it was years ago, just stop thinking about it. Why is it more difficult to not think about someone who died 1,825 days ago, than it was to not think about him at day 1,700? I probably sound rather heartless, but that's just how I think.

 

[Never_falter2]

Can we ask ANY question here? Why do Vets have „the stare“? In Germany we call it „the stare“. Do you know what I am talking about? Like they are seeing something far away.

 

[Freida]

@p.coreyI don't think you are heartless - it's hard to understand. Most the people I know with PTSD have anniversary dates - but everyone reacts to them differently. here's a couple really good articles....

Anniversary Reactions: Research Findings - PTSD: National Center for PTSD
5 Ways to Deal With Anniversary Reactions

You are thinking in terms of a memory that is processed in your brain and you forget about how it felt. An anniversary reaction is when your body remembers a date/time/season and reacts as if it is currently happening. yes - I know its a reaction to something in the past. But my emotions/adrenal system think it is happening right now.

I think the hardest thing is understanding that PTSD is not rational and when you toss an anniversary reaction on top of it .... well.... Plus - PTSD events aren't "it was years ago". They are present tense. Which is frustrating! I KNEW yesterday during my rant that I was sitting in my own living room in 2017. But I also KNEW that I was hearing the air raid sirens and jet engines that I had heard when I had to run for my life 1000 years ago and feeling the panic when I knew I wasn't going to make it to shelter. Both things happen simultaneously. In a non-ptsd world, I would be able to say, "oh that's not real" In the PTSD world I can't. My adrenal system is in control. My body remembers what it felt like - so it wants me to react to keep myself safe. My brain is like...WTH is this?



@Never_falter well sure - you can ask. Whether you get an answer..... ;):rolleyes:

Yep - vets call it the 1000 yard stare. I think that's when you lose track of where you are and what you are doing because you are sucked back into whatever hell you survived. Let's see how well I know my own reactions. I'm going to say I don't do that. Then I'm going to ask hubby....

well crap. I asked hubby and he laughed and said "oh yea, you do that. Not a lot, but you do it."

hmmm I have no idea why/when/where. Guess that's why I keep him around.

 

[grimalkin]

Yup, the Thousand Yard Stare. Happens to those of us with depression, too. I never realized I did it, either, until someone asked me "Are you ok? Where are you right now?" when I was sitting right next to them.

Now that I'm aware, it's generally a good marker for me that my depression is looming, because I find myself doing it (and generally don't do it when my mental state is good).

@leehalf Thank you for the reminder about PTSD being cyclical. I'm trying to forgive myself for believing my sufferer (and not researching!) when he said it's not an issue and won't be an issue. Though that is also very much him being in denial that it's not something that can be easily healed by will power alone.

That, and trying to wrap my head around his...quirk? That whatever is true now has been true forever. In this case, that now that his PTSD is out in the open, it was ALWAYS out in the open, he's always admitted he's had it, and it's my fault for not adapting accordingly. I honestly don't know if I "should" call him out on crap like that. The few times I've done it, he was triggered by the calling out, no matter how gently and non-confrontational I tried to make it (now that I know that's what it was...just thought he was being an ass before).

 

[Buttercup]

I have to say, reading from supporters and sufferers who have been in LTRs and long marriages, this is so helpful for people like me who have been trying to embark on a new relationship with a sufferer. It is beyond confusing and frustrating, so reading and learning all of this is so very helpful.

Starting any new relationship is not an easy task. They can bring up the best and the worst of us. Add PTSD to the equation (and possibly other issues) and man, is it hard to navigate!

Thanks so much for all of your replies! :hug:

 

[Never_falter2]

I have been thinking about this car thing. Is that the reason why some Vets like motorcycle clubs so much?

 

[Freida]

@Never_falter That would be my guess -- that sense of freedom.

 

[Changing4Best]

OK, Sufferer here. I had to end my relationship with my boyfriend recently. I got out of the mental ward on Halloween. I had been in hospital for 9 days in all. He knew I am mentally ill. I had told him that a few months ago (we were a couple for about a year).

He kept wanting to know why I was in the H. I did not want to tell him much about it. It really was none of his business, because we do not live together and were not that close. If anything, now that I look back on it, we were friends without "benefits" and we were maybe what you call glorified friends or even aquaintanances. We hugged and held hands. I hate kissing, so we did not even do that.

He kept pushing me to come and visit me. I wanted to be ALONE. I needed to be alone. He didn't get it and I didn't have it in me to tell him I needed to be alone. He called and called. I didn't answer. I was not in the mood to talk. Not in the mood to answer questions, which he kept pushing on me.

So I bailed. I wrote him a card, basically ending it and thanking him for everything. I did not blame him for anything, although I could have, because he had started to drink again, which is a no no in my world. I mean not just a glass of wine either, heavily. I could not and cannot deal with that, even though he was not drunk, he was just too forward for my wanting to be away from him for awhile.

I needed time to sort out what had occurred in the H. I wanted time to carry on a friendship with someone I had met at the H too, but she decided against it, under the advice of her therapist. I can deal with that. It is OK. It is probably for the best even. I don't have the time....

Getting back to the boyfriend. Sometimes my mind just cannot deal with being around anyone, other than going to work, because I really need to go to work, for my sanity and my finances. Work takes its toll. HUGE TOLL. I come home exhausted. So I rest when I come home. The LAST thing I needed when I wanted to rest, was someone calling me and asking me Qs about my Hospital stay. Or wanting to come and visit. I could NOT deal with that. I still probably would not be able to deal with it now, over a month later. And he still would have been looking for any opening to ask another Q. He got me to answer one Q which really ticked me off, because he asked it at a time when I didn't think before I blurted out the answer.

I did not want someone prying. I did not want someone curious. I did not even want someone to be concerned for me. I wanted no fuss made over me or the H visit. I just wanted to go on as if nothing had happened. But of course, that is probably unrealistic on my part. Or maybe not....

 

[Freida]

Starting to put up my Christmas stuff and yep -- makes me want to bail. To many memories - both good and bad. Each "thing" that I unbox comes with its own story. I've been lucky in my life -- most of it has had a lot of love. And I've gotten rid most of the stuff that triggers me in there. but still --- everything is so close to the surface right now that all I have to do is pick something up and I'm flooded with memories. They are all so entangled. Look at this ornament.
Good memory... Remember how much fun it was to get when you and B went shopping in Osan for decorations?
Bad memory...Remember how you were still covered in bruises from the IVs and surgery and how much you hurt and no could/would help you?.

I want to keep the good ones. But the bad ones are always stronger. This has always been my struggle all along. I love the holidays. But always, always, just under the surface is the next anniversary waiting to hijack my brain. I have to be on guard. Which makes me bitchy -- and either I choose to isolate or I choose to let my crazy out. And since I still can't control the crazy I'll do what I've done for years. Plaster a smile on my face, pretend I'm ok, and not ruin it for the others.

Dear Supporters: do you have any idea how much pain I hide from you at this time of the year because I love you? How much screaming is in my head that I can't deal with, but I get snippy and see the sadness on your face because you are worried I can't handle it? I don't want that. I want you to have a fabulous time for the next few weeks. I can fake it -- I have for years. Maybe I don't hide it as well as I like, but I have to hide it as much as I can. Because their is a little one now and a worse one is coming. And I'm so afraid that this will be the year I cant do it. I think every year that this may be our last Christmas together and I won't have it filled with angst and anger. I WONT have that conversation with you now. I won't have you worrying about me. This is my gift to you. that I will do everything I can to pretend that I'm happy, that I'm ok. That way, if this turns out the be the year I can't do it when January comes, you will at least have these memories of me.