General What are they thinking?

[Freida]

hmmmm..interesting talk today with the sisters. I explained how the need to run is kind of like a drug and it totally overwhelms me and I don't think about anything other than escaping. And I explained that since I know what a raving beeotch I can become in those times it is better for them if I just bail when I'm in that mood. They can have peace and quiet and I can have miles racking up on my odometer.

huh. they did not respond as anticipated. In fact, they got down right cranky. They think its better that I stick around and if I get bitchy they will send me away rather than me running away. As in send me to my room to have my tantrum and come back when I feel better. While I'm still not sure they get the desperation behind the need to escape, it was interesting to hear that they would rather have me there, with them, even if I temporarily hate them. Funny -- I really would have thought they would vote for having me take off until I'm fit to be around humans again.

Honestly? I'm not quite sure what to do with this concept..

 

[Changing4Best]

Try it and see if you like it? If not, then at least you have heard their request and done your best to at least try it. Then, if you don't like it, you tell them it didn't work and come up with some other solution(s). That is what I would do, but of course, you need to do what is best for you!

 

[MyWillow]

With the proviso that I’m not diagnosed with anything other than a particular penchant for structural dissociation and avoiding whole therapy sessions by changing the subject by the second or simply dissociating and forgetting everything....

...my partner is not very good at serious conversations. He means well and tries hard. But doesn’t know what to say. And does that by turning his back or talking about something incredibly banal whilst he tries to process what I’ve said. Unfortunately nothing triggers me more than feeling I’ve not been heard. Yes we’ve discussed it but at the moment I cannot risk trying to explain what the hell is going on with me. Given that I have no freaking idea myself!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sure... even if you're being a mega bitchzilla with cheese.

They know you're safe if you're there.

If you run they have no idea. It's scary as hell when you have radio silence from your loved one when you know they're highly symptomatic.

Trying to think of a good analogy.... It'd be like putting your puking kid out in the back yard so you didn't have to deal with their stomach bug. Yeah, you wouldn't have the mess and smell, but worrying if they're OK out there alone is gonna be worse than any inconvenience or unpleasantness.

I know if and when I need a break from my vet when he's in ass-mode. Trust me, I'll take the break if I need it.

 

[krisss]

Hi everyone, someone who posted on my thread actually directed me to this posting because of all the things I have been dealing with, my guy is the sufferer. Thank you @Freida for posting this. reading through things from your perspective as well as everyone else has been insightful.

My guy is a combat vet. He just got out of the military in september and we moved in together in october. real life started happening and he couldnt land a good job, he was struggling with how to manage his money - so me of course being me, tried to step in. And show him what to do, how to do it. But i guess that was "not doing the right thing, but with all the best intentions" like someone previously mentioned. I didnt realize it was causing him to resent me, or feel bad that he could not do it himself.

He actually broke up with me 2.5 weeks ago and moved out. But 2 days later came back, then we were good for a week, and then when I asked if we were getting back together he disappeared again. Then a few days later, again back.

We basically act like we're still in a relationship but without the actual title.

I saw things about christmas, because he did not invite me to spend christmas with him and his family. Anyone know why? would that make it more real us being close again? making him vulnerable?

Not being with his family, but then texting me on christmas "im sorry i couldnt be there with you this morning, if it makes a difference i'll be there tonight" - showed up at 9pm with gifts. But why couldnt you bring me to your family? (i have been around them before for holidays)

There is so much more to this, so much i have to say. idk what to do. He tells me he loves me, he shows me he loves me, but then other times hes so distant. And forget about me bringing up being officially together again. but to me it's like, but what is the difference if we are already basically together again?

He'll come over, and when he goes to leave i'll get really sad. & He'll be like "you hate when i leave don tyou" i respond "yes" & he hit me with "i'm sorry this is just how it is for now"

That damn "for now" - what does that mean?

I'm sorry if i seem all over the place. It really is alot, can someone help? I can also post my original thread where things are better explained if that helps.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@krisss you may get a better response if you start a thread of your own in the supporter section. This thread is geared a different way.

 

[Freida]

Try it and see if you like it?

LOL so far so good. I'm still a bit weirded out that it was such a non event conversation for them but so earth shattering for me to share what I feel.

my partner is not very good at serious conversations. He means well and tries hard.

Yea - my guy is like that too. I think it is how guys are built. And when he doesn't talk and I cant it tends to build resentment

Trying to think of a good analogy..

I know I can always count on you to make me laugh -- and that puking kid thing is perfect!! I think it might even make sense! I don't want to be puking all over them, but if I stay put I can puke in private and they know I'm not driving off the road in Kansas somewhere.

That damn "for now" - what does that mean?

oh hunny --- that's the PTSD brain. One thing I've learned is that ptsd doesn't let you think in future tense. I have no concept of tomorrow because I figure I'm going to die soon so why bother making plans? And trying to get your head above water is hard enough without someone grabbing your feet and pulling you down. Please understand I don't mean that in a bad way. the person pulling you down could be doing it because they love you and want you to see another view. But it still feels like you are drowning. I'm guessing that is why you weren't invited to family christmas -- it adds a level of stress. Remember - good stress is just as bad as bad stress for normal people. For sufferers it can be the thing that tips us over the edge.

 

[krisss]

@krisss you may get a better response if you start a thread of your own in the su...

I guess i just wanted insight from everyone. Sorry to have posted it on here.

 

[krisss]

oh hunny --- that's the PTSD brain. One thing I've learned is that ptsd doesn't let you think in future tense. I have no concept of tomorrow because I figure I'm going to die soon so why bother making plans? And trying to get your head above water is hard enough without someone grabbing your feet and pulling you down. Please understand I don't mean that in a bad way. the person pulling you down could be doing it because they love you and want you to see another view. But it still feels like you are drowning. I'm guessing that is why you weren't invited to family christmas -- it adds a level of stress. Remember - good stress is just as bad as bad stress for normal people. For sufferers it can be the thing that tips us over the edge.

Very true! I did read up on the stress cup stuff. He doesnt have a sense of whats going to happen, he thinks very similar to you. which is why i found comfort reading all your posts. I guess i do sometimes pull him down, i cant understand how he is feeling, what he is dealing with or seeing, its just in my nature to want to be the thing to pull him out , but im realizing i cant be.

Thank you so much for your response - it made sense

 

[SamRuck]

I explained how the need to run is kind of like a drug and it totally overwhelms me and I don't think about anything other than escaping.

For my wife, this is when I took door number 3: I 'ran' or 'hid' or did whatever she was feeling at the moment with her. I didn't let her be alone no matter how much she said she felt like she wanted to be alone (but I was gentle in my insistence to stay with her, never forcefully demanding). Frieda is correct. The feeling is overwhelming, but that's when I became a 'safe haven' for my wife. And as I 'ran', 'hid' and did whatever she was feeling at the moment, slowly I brought her out of that overwhelming desire, and then she was able to process the memories driving those feelings so that she could move on...

 

[Hojay]

I 'ran' or 'hid' or did whatever she was feeling at the moment with her.

That’s wonderful that your wife allowed you to do that and you could build trust that way. If I did that with my SO he’d explode into about a million little pieces on the spot.

 

[Tinyflame]

Wow @SamRuck that is a totally amazing concept. :wideeyed: Since I guess it seems counter-intuitive?

I don't know how that feels, except for once, and it was unexpected and I didn't know 'what'/ how to 'deal' with it, but you're right it was fear-reducing, come to think of it in retrospect. And I can remember the feeling and details, which is in itself unusual for me.

ETA, no at least twice, physically, and more times verbally- I remember.

But come to think of it, I did it with my abused dog when she arrived.