General What are they thinking?

[SamRuck]

Essentially I used

Wow @SamRuck that is a totally amazing concept. :wideeyed: Since I guess it seems counter-intuitive?

Most of how I helped my wife thru ptsd issues came from attachment theory, especially the concepts of safe haven and affect regulation. The literature out there may mostly focus on young children but pretty much all the major concepts have been transferable as I've helped my wife heal.

 

[Freida]

@SamRuck that is why my hubby did the last time I bolted and it was a good thing or I would still probably be gone. He's done this enough years to know me better than I sometimes know myself. he didn't try to talk to me or to reason with me -- he was just there --- which I really appreciated once I finally calmed down.

January is a huge trigger for me (yea, the whole freeking month) so this year I'm trying to be more proactive. I've made plans to keep myself busy so I'm going to my sisters one weekend, to the beach one weekend and to my besties in Colorado in early feb. He was right along behind me making sure I have babysitters on duty each time I leave -- either him or someone he (he - not me) trusts enough to keep me in the country. But - and this is a huge BUT. If I tell any of them to back off they need to do it or I will take them out. Hopefully just verbally but if I'm backed into a corner and cant go.. I honestly don't know what route I'll take.

It's pretty embarrassing if I let myself think about it.....I'm like an overgrown two year old without her woobie.

 

[LuckiLee]

Take my guy with you. Dam* he's being ....
Just staying out of his way when I can. He's here safe and irritable. Yay! ;)

You got this. And you are sooo blessed to have such a great group of people to be there for you. (I wish J did too)

Happy New Year!
XO

 

[Freida]

LOL @leehalf can you picture it?? Me and J out there wrecking havoc with the world trying to run away? We would be like a couple cranky toddlers dragging their backpacks to grandmas house because we got in trouble!

 

[LuckiLee]

I'd have to walk behind you both to apologize to everyone for ripping them new a**holes. Lmao.

 

[Freida]

LOL yes..yes you would!

 

[Warrior Chicken]

I don’t post often, but this thread....damn, it helps. Rough patch with plenty of turbulence. @Freida we share similar anniversaries that last for about the same timeframe. What you (I think it was you) said about scanning, threat identification, etc the backyard with the swing set. Thanks, I used that with my SO and it helped. I do think it’s something we have to do now to protect others, like you said when you’re with your sisters. If they don’t look in the shadows who will? Our experiences and training have given us a skill set too. As well as the f-ing nightmares, daymares that never seem to end.....Shut up brain, I’m writing to good people who don’t want to hear that sh/t now. This is a thank you, not a rant.
I do very similar things as you do to deal with the chaos, I drive. Very far for hours, thru snow storms, whatever it takes. Usually the storm is a welcome distraction to the barrage of thoughts and emotions.
Supporters....all of you who wrote how you feel and asked questions here. Thanks, cuz it does have the effect of switching a lightbulb on. Let’s me know how what I do affects my SO, cuz yeah, I’m mostly oblivious to it
This forum is good, this thread helps.
Back to my corner I go until the storm passes.

 

[Freida]

@Warrior Chicken @Rosie11 and I are having a meet up for the next two days to get us thru the holiday -- feel free to come join us! Since it' almost midnight and I can't sleep -- shocking I know -- I'll probably pop it up in a bit...

Shut up brain, I’m writing to good people who don’t want to hear that sh/t now. This is a thank you, not a rant.

LOL that was freeking funny! Been there -- yelled at brain!

 

[Warrior Chicken]

I’m in. Cyber safe place? It’s a start. And yeah....same time zone.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes without safety and continuity there's nothing.

 

[Freida]

So its the start of my hellish anniversary month. My emotions are a bit out of whack but I'm doing ok - and today was a good day. Until hubby came home and was an introspective type of bad mood. I asked him if wanted to talk about it and he said no so I left him to watch tv. He's under a lot of stress right now, hates his job but needs to keep it since I'm on disability now --which also meant a pretty hefty pay cut and change in our lifestyles - and he's worried about me so he has a lot on his mind. No big deal

Fast forward 4 hours

welcome ptsd brain. I've made three back up plans for when either he A: quits is job and we have to live under a bridge, B: asks me for a divorce, C: I decide to take off. Somehow I've decided I'm pissed at him for being in a mood and not telling me what was bothering him -- because that must somehow mean it is about me and what a burden I am now that I'm dealing with all this ptsd crap and the problems going thru all this counseling and crap has brought into our lives. Therefore our marriage is over, he hates me, we are dooooommmedd.

I did all this without realizing I was doing it. Suddenly it was just there - completely formed and ready to go.

In my normal brain I know none of this is true. The guy is under a huge amount of stress, worried about me because of the time of year, just finished a 12 hour shift and didn't want to talk to chatty cathy about what the dog did while she was cooped up at home all day. Not exactly a situation the leads to living under a bridge. But even after all the counseling and practice and grounding and KNOWING this is not the end --- I automatically create back up plans for any possible scenario (and those back up plans usually don't include him.).

Just an example of how irrational ptsd can make you --- even when you know that you are being irrational.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

ah Yes. Contingency plans. Lovely they are to keep the mind bouncing on potential strategies to stay in control of the prospect of chaos. I do it too. I even made sure to find a job that pats me on the back for having the skill set I acquired thru surviving certain sh/t storms. Yay disaster mitigation.
But maybe we plan ineffectively in our personal lives, alone, without consultations or communication. I NEED to plan this now cuz things could go sideways at any second, I can’t talk to you about it because emotions cloud my decision making and our lives depend on it. Why don’t you get it? I’m trying to protect you.
@Freida i do admire how you operate in your relationship and it does give me hope for mine....even if today wasnt the best day for you cuz the contingency planning took precedence, that stuff needs to happen for us.
Failure to plan means planning to fail....blah blah blah.