General What are they thinking?

[Sweetpea76]

So apparently he told her that he was thinking of breaking up with me so he can figure things out, but he's afraid of losing me. He told her that if he thought I'd leave, then he wouldn't break up. But since he knows I'll be in his life he was going to.

That’s pretty obnoxious really. It’s like he knows he is in full control of your relationship, and he can treat you any way he likes as long as he has his way.

He said that I'm teaching him that my feelings don't matter as long as he gets what he wants. He said it's fine to continue to love him, but stop making it easy to take me for granted.

Yep... not only has he done this bullshit, he does this to you yearly. He is definitely treating you like a doormat, and I don’t blame you for being angry.

What’s scarier? Cutting off contact, or having him do this to you every year for the rest of your life?

 

[NaeNae75]

I think I would tell him what you know and how you're feeling about it. It sounds like his breaking up with you was far more calculated than you initially thought. And your friend is right about teaching him that this is ok to do to you. You say that cutting contact petrifies you, which I completely understand. So if you're not ready to do that then tell him that the limbo is not sustainable. You remind him that he's going to have to make a choice eventually. That you love him and want what's best for him, but not at the cost of what's best for you. That will create a soft boundary, no timelines, but warning him that you won't necessarily be around forever which is his fear.

That’s pretty obnoxious really. It’s like he knows he is in full control of your relationship, and he can treat you any way he likes as long as he has his way.

Yep... not only has he done this bullshit, he does this to you yearly. He is definitely treating you like a doormat, and I don’t blame you for being angry

What’s scarier? Cutting off contact, or having him do this to you every year for the rest of your life?

I appreciate you guys answering me...Up until today, we have still been talking daily and seeing each other pretty much weekly. I'm not sure what's going to happen, but I know I can't keep living like this indefinitely.

I didn't say anything to him today at all...I'm not sure if I'm ready to tomorrow either. I'm pretty hurt overall. I feel like I've put so much into everything and I'm feeling like a bit of a joke. I do love him, I always will...but I'm okay alone too...he keeps proving that to me every year, like @Sweetpea76 stated.

I don't know what's scarier, but so far day one of cutting the contact. It feels so funny. I'm curious to see what he ends up doing. I definitely deserve better than this though. I'm going to post in my journal tomorrow...but I'm doing a lot of work and I'm pretty good overall! I love you guys!

 

[Freida]

I'm glad you called his bluff. If he bails on you then he isnt the person you want him to be. Because this isnt PTSD. This is being an ass to someone who doesn't know how how valuable she is.

I think being a successful supporter means knowing your own boundaries. Because you should be the one setting them...not him. I know if hubby let me run rampant over his feelings and not truly commit to our relationship I would probably behave just like your guy.

But I don't. Why?

Because I have someone to call me out on my crap. I throw an ultimatum at hubby and he will take it. Because he isnt here to be my part time person. Hes here for a relationship....and if I won't see that then hes out. If he gives me the ability to string him along?? I will.

I think you need to reevaluate exactly what this relationship is doing for YOU. Why are you allowing him to behave like this? Take this time of no contact and ask yourself why you want to change him. Because he is who he is. It might be time to ask yourself if he is enough for you---and not the other way around

 

[NaeNae75]

I'm glad you called his bluff. If he bails on you then he isnt the person you want him to be. Because this isnt PTSD. This is being an ass to someone who doesn't know how how valuable she is.

I think being a successful supporter means knowing your own boundaries. Because you should be the one setting them...not him. I know if hubby let me run rampant over his feelings and not truly commit to our relationship I would probably behave just like your guy.

But I don't. Why?

Because I have someone to call me out on my crap. I throw an ultimatum at hubby and he will take it. Because he isnt here to be my part time person. Hes here for a relationship....and if I won't see that then hes out. If he gives me the ability to string him along?? I will.

I think you need to reevaluate exactly what this relationship is doing for YOU. Why are you allowing him to behave like this? Take this time of no contact and ask yourself why you want to change him. Because he is who he is. It might be time to ask yourself if he is enough for you---and not the other way around

This makes a ton of sense. I'm still mulling it over. I don't want to change him, not really. I think the only thing I want is to not be taken for granted....and really that's on me. Overall, I love everything about him. He embodies every trait I desire in a mate. But he's too broken right now to be in a relationship with me or anyone...according to him. He feels the need to be alone right now.

I can't do anything about that. But I'm not going to keep enabling him to treat me like this anymore. If he wants a break, he's going to get it. His words say exactly what I thought, but didn't want to see. That he knows he can play a game with me. That's the only thing I want to be different. I don't care about the space he needs or him not being perfect...that stuff I can deal with all day long.
What I can't tolerate though is not having some healthy level of communication about it and him telling other people instead of me. If he needs something, he needs to let me know.

I have no idea what's going to happen. I'm obviously still in no hurry to move on with someone else. Even if he doesn't come back, I love him with every ounce of my being....he's been a good man to me in the grand scheme of it all. I love him for that and for everything he is...even the broken parts. I'm just trying to be careful to tend to my garden right now. I do not want to fall down a codependent rabbit hole with him right now.

Only time will tell...I'm angry with him, but I still love him and want the very best for him. But now I want the best for me too.

 

[grimalkin]

@NaeNae75 Oh man, I don't have much to add (damn cold is knocking me on my ass and apparently forcing my brains out of my nose) right now, but I wanted to let you know - I feel you. I can imagine this exact situation with me, in fact. Ugh!

Hugs to you, you deserve all the happiness and love.

 

[Freida]

There's been some really good conversations going on around the forum on isolation from the supporters side. It amazes me how far off the mark I am on that. That whole "I'm helping by leaving" thing.

It's rearing it's ugly head again. Today therapy was tough. Really tough. Wander the house all night because I'm afraid to sleep tough. I came home and hubby wanted to help. He wanted to hold my hand and tell me it will be ok and pet me and all that reassuring crap people do when someone is having a bad day. I can't let him and I don't know why. I just know I need to keep my distance. Maybe I'm afraid I'll contaminate him? Maybe I can't have anyone, even him, in my bubble? Maybe because if he is too nice to me I'll start screaming and not be able to stop?

He's upset. I translate that as he's mad at me for not talking, or for making a big deal of nothing or being annoyed i'm once again acting like a drama queen. I know in my head these things aren't true -- that he is just worried. But for some reason those other things make more sense to me. I'd take off so he could get some non-my-drama time but I'm too tired. So I just ignore him and I come here to vent. To tell strangers what I won't tell my husband. :(

 

[anon1234]

Awww Frieda I’m sorry therapy was tough. Only you here know your husband, but I can tell you from the perspective of a supporter that often we are just concerned and find it difficult to see someone go through things we can’t help. As I think you now know. I never really get mad, even at isolation, because I know it’s something needed and is also done as a perceived way protect me. For what it’s worth, isolation for me this time around has been a bit of a slog but I’ve been putting off a project for years and finally am able to focus on it without distractions of any sort whatsoever. It’s kind of left me in the clear to focus only on my stuff. If that’s any help at all.

 

[Freida]

If that’s any help at all.

It is! I know he's just worried, but it's nice to hear you say that you and the other supporters can see past the defenses and know what's really going on

 

[Friday]

It amazes me how far off the mark I am on that. That whole "I'm helping by leaving" thing.

I’m very firmly on the fence with this one. The whole moderation in all things, thang. ;)

Because if I’m going to be a stone cold bitch? Distant & withdrawn? Prone to random fits of assholery? Depressed & despairing? That is going to f*ck. up. my. relationships... just as surly (ha! autocorrect win, meant to type surely) as my being gone for months/years and not participating at all. Both ways, participation score = 0, ya know?

My good years? Part of my managing myself was sending people off on their own adventures whilst I planted a foot firmly on one shoulder and dragged my head out of m ass. They had fun, I was excited to see them on their return, and WE had fun. Mischief managed. I got to be who I wanted to be inside the relationship, by being able to sort myself out as needed outside of the relationship.

There’s a huge difference between a relationship that has survived and thrived for 10/20/30 years including regular and random bouts of isolation... and brand spanking new relationships that may or may not be able to tolerate any seperation, much less both regular and random events of it.

All I’m trying to say is don’t throw out the baby with the bath water, or switch from one extreme to the other (always leaving, always staying). There’s a fairly wide swath of happy middle ground, where both people are getting what they need & want.

 

[LuckiLee]

J isolates but he doesn't run. He's been doing some tough work in therapy too. 3 days a week. I know he's having a hard time with it so I am giving him all the space he needs. Along with peace and quiet. He's been sleeping it off.

Once the weather breaks he'll be able to go fishing again. That's the extent of his isolation. Is there something you can do for the day? Take SD for a hike somewhere. A SHORT drive in the country. A project you've been wanting to tackle...

As for hubby... He wants to take your pain away. What an awesome guy!! Just tell him what you need. Tell him "therapy is really sucking lately and I need some quiet downtime to process this shit. And everything is just pissing me off right now" He'll understand. I know he will. He will make it a point to give you your space. (And probably secretly enjoy it) ?

XO

 

[Freida]

3 days a week.

holy crap! Overachiever. ?

Once the weather breaks he'll be able to go fishing again.

Does he go with Fallen Outdoors? Pretty great group I hear...

And ya, hubby is hubby -- he is good at giving me my time and not fussing at me. Years of practice I guess :roflmao:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

If he gives me the ability to string him along?? I will

Yes! I so wish more supporters understood that their boundries helps us too!

He's been sleeping it off.

That's what I end up doing. Or feel like absolute hell warmed over but can't get to sleep and that's when things get bad. I try to "Netflix and chill" but then end up watching a movie that makes it all worse. Thank god I live alone. Can sit in the darkness all day and no one to question me. I guess that's why we isolate completey many times. Trust me, no one wants to be there when it's bad and someone being there can make it a millon times worse really f*cking fast!