General What are they thinking?

[Freida]

for the love of god!

Ok -- if you know I''m going to be pissy for the 24 hours after EMDR then why in the hell are you trying to communicate with me?!!!!! It's not like this hasn't been going on for the last two years!

Boundaries need to work BOTH ways.

I go out of my way to make sure that everyone understands how hard it is. That yes, I'm suicidal. That no, I'm not going to talk about it because I have a countdown clock and I know it will pass. That the best thing to do is to leave me alone.

that means LEAVE ME ALONE!
Don't talk to me.
Don't try to make plans with me
Don't get all butt hurt because I snap at you
Don't bug me about how I'm feeling.
Don't ask me if I want to do anything, eat anything, need anything.
Don't breathe in my direction.

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!

And people wonder why I take off

 

[lostforgottensoul]

That the best thing to do is to leave me alone.

that means LEAVE ME ALONE!
Don't talk to me.
Don't try to make plans with me
Don't get all butt hurt because I snap at you
Don't bug me about how I'm feeling.
Don't ask me if I want to do anything, eat anything, need anything.
Don't breathe in my direction.

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!

Yes!

And don't get all butthurt that I snapped at you because you didn't leave me alone when I asked you to.

 

[WinterCricket]

@lostforgottensoul and @Freida, you two are brave souls and I appreciate your audacious sharing! You give max insight into the suck of the ptsd rabbit hole from the supporter side.

I'm getting more savvy after 3.5 plus years of riding the wave with my combat ptsd vet, but dang, it still smarts when I think maybe this time, the sudden pull away will be the last....

Not so much, and here we go with the gimbal lock, the wild silent.ride.continues...I guess I imagined after nearly two months of doing great this time on daily comms and regular in person connection, we were moving into the clear and starting to move forward. We had started to talk about moving in together in October - There was a "settled" less anxious change in his communication for the better, it felt calm like near "normal", I felt trusted...

What I hate most, like all of us supporters who I think feel a bit suspended in time when the withdrawal happens, is the guessing, the neck jerking shifts from "normal" to zero. We're in some way following in the wake of how our sufferers feel and do have to be ever careful not to become caught up and part of the problem...I have thought of it as "touching the tornado."

The airline pilot boyfriend is, I imagine, stressing over added shifts to his already tough red eye work due to Dorian storm, recurrency training this week, news of warlike devastation in Bahamas, worry about his kids with ex on coast in potential hurricane path (all clear), 911 upcoming date and he's scheduled for a major interview (seriously can that be more badly timed for a vet?)....probably feels like war triggers and I get high stress, I'm tracking tracking tracking....but...Do we need to schwackkkk! shut off comms with the major support system - me, oy!?

I left my dear a kind VM this am that I get the variables and I'm behind him and to give me a shout and let me know he's ok (chirp chirp silent) - this after two equally supportive short texts since Monday's comm cutoff - and am now going radio silent per experience, and your advice.

I tell ya what, this really messes with the mind of a supporter...We do give to the point of bone marrow suckage. I do expect him to give me a sign of life the way he's agreed.... He does periodically go to counseling at Vet Center by the way but I don't be at him up about it.

We'll see how long I can hold on, wondering; he has gone into total fugue mode before and it's like he doesn't even remember months at a time until he pops out and looks back on it.

I guess I don't know what I'm asking for here, hope, a vent to the community to hear me, confirmation that it's ok to draw this boundary with him of expecting a text saying "message received, thank you, I'm working through things, I'll be back."

I feel as though the sufferer timeline slows to a crawl as each huge "wave" crashes on them while we supporters are working in "real-time" and struggling to slooow our reality and be uber patient, I do hate that I feel my life passing by - waiting...I feel like I'm on a surfboard offering him to come up with me and he's in the water flailing and refuses help.

Does that make sense? Sufferers, please don't hate me, I do care about this guy....Just the matrix world or ptsd is such a difficult place to navigate. Where does a healthy future begin? How do we find the line between our realities?

 

[joeylittle]

I feel as though the sufferer timeline slows to a crawl as each huge "wave" crashes on them while we supporters are working in "real-time" and struggling to slooow our reality and be uber patient, I do hate that I feel my life passing by - waiting...I feel like I'm on a surfboard offering him to come up with me and he's in the water flailing and refuses help.

Does that make sense?

Sufferer here - honestly, it makes a whole lot of sense.

If this helps: I think independence is one of the most under-appreciated relationship skills. And in a relationship with someone dealing with a chronic mental health condition - things won't work well for the supporter unless they and their partner are secure in their mutual independence.

This doesn't mean you're not a couple. But the best partnerships are ones where each individual can operate as a whole person, and they don't lose some part of themselves to the partnership. Adding the "we" doesn't replace any part of the need for a healthy, happy "I".

We do give to the point of bone marrow suckage.

It's so true, and really well put. All the more reason for you to cultivate ways for you to re-grow your marrow, so to speak. Some of those, of course you'll want to do with your partner in the good days. But in the rough times, it's important for you to build up your "you" time. Not just as a way of keeping yourself busy, or marking time. You want something that's really going to be enriching for you.

Every person can tolerate different amounts of alone time. Same for non-coupled time.

A PTSD partner comes with an alone-time requirement, above and beyond what their typical alone-time wants would be. There's better synchronicity in the couple dynamic (IMO) when the supporter also has a strong appetite for non-coupled-time.

 

[Freida]

I feel as though the sufferer timeline slows to a crawl as each huge "wave" crashes on them while we supporters are working in "real-time" and struggling to slooow our reality and be uber patient, I do hate that I feel my life passing by - waiting...I feel like I'm on a surfboard offering him to come up with me and he's in the water flailing and refuses help.

This is brilliant!!!!!
yep. -- describes it perfectly.

 

[Woundedhealer]

for the love of god!

Ok -- if you know I''m going to be pissy for the 24 hours after EMDR then why in the hell are you trying to communicate with me?!!!!! It's not like this hasn't been going on for the last two years!

Boundaries need to work BOTH ways.

I go out of my way to make sure that everyone understands how hard it is. That yes, I'm suicidal. That no, I'm not going to talk about it because I have a countdown clock and I know it will pass. That the best thing to do is to leave me alone.

that means LEAVE ME ALONE!
Don't talk to me.
Don't try to make plans with me
Don't get all butt hurt because I snap at you
Don't bug me about how I'm feeling.
Don't ask me if I want to do anything, eat anything, need anything.
Don't breathe in my direction.

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!

And people wonder why I take off

Thank you for sharing! It’s hard to remember sometimes that it’s not about us and you’re absolutely allowed to have your space!!! Sending strength

 

[anon1234]

@WinterCricket
What an amazing post - it’s spot on. You described how I have been feeling into words more eloquent that I could muster. I’m many years in and basically, yes currently a passive bystander to a massive fugue, it’s so challenging. This time I honestly think it’s it. I’ve been wrong before but I’m not putting my life on hold for zero comms. The problem is, the longer I’m out of the PTSD “world”, the more I forget how the behavior does not stem from simple “he’s not that into you” chit chat that permeates modern media. And quite frankly, it is so easy to fall into negativity about self when it goes beyond a certain length of time. Sigh. I keep going.

Edit - apologies, just have taken this away from the sufferer perspective! I suppose I’m wondering what is happening during one of these extended periods. How can someone still work an intense job? Does that add to the problem like some sort of vicious cycle?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I think independence is one of the most under-appreciated relationship skills. And in a relationship with someone dealing with a chronic mental health condition - things won't work well for the supporter unless they and their partner are secure in their mutual independence.

This doesn't mean you're not a couple. But the best partnerships are ones where each individual can operate as a whole person, and they don't lose some part of themselves to the partnership. Adding the "we" doesn't replace any part of the need for a healthy, happy "I".

Yes! This 100%!

If it helps to know, I couldn't be with someone that couldn't be ok alone. If the person was halted in life just waiting for me to come back, that would be overly stressful. For many reasons. And I just can't do that to someone either. So, if you are ok alone, live your life still, and basically continue on like I am there, and can be ok if I decided to never come home again (albeit hurt but could pick up and be ok) that is best case for me. And it would mean I would come home faster and as less sympomatic.

confirmation that it's ok to draw this boundary with him of expecting a text saying "message received, thank you, I'm working through things, I'll be back."

That is totally ok to ask for that. I'd personally be ok with that once a week. I wouldn't be able to give anymore words then that but could do those words once a week. But thats just me.

 

[scout86]

How can someone still work an intense job?

This is going to vary from person to person, but work can be a great place to hide. For me, being physically busy, at a job that requires attention, is kind of a "safe place". I know what I'm doing, I know how to do it, and generally I'm allowed to just do my job, with no interruptions. I suppose it gives the illusion of having some sort of control over something, in a world where I know that doesn't really exist.

The past few weeks, I've been moving. I had to close the deal on the new place, get stuff moved, clean up the old place so it could be listed, while working and volunteering the state fair. (I haven't unpacked yet.) By last weekend, I was getting a little frazzled. What did I do? I quit answering my phone. (As luck would have it, one of the calls I blew off was from the county and sounded important, but i won't know till next week because the caller was leaving on vacation.)

To me, shutting off communication seems totally reasonable. I've got stuff I HAVE to deal with and all this other stuff amounts to being bombarded with other things that demand I shift gears and change the subject at a time when it feels like I can't.

I had some help with the move, but I didn't want much. You know why? Because "help" usually manifests itself as well meaning people with a gazillion questions that I have to process and answer, which comes off as a kind distraction that means I might miss something and "something bad will happen". Just this morning, I was trying to figure out what happened to the cookie sheets I used when I reheat pizza. (Pizza for breakfast today!) The answer to that is "nothing". I'm pretty sure all that stuff is still in the old kitchen. Why? Well, I had a system to my packing that involved starting at one end and proceeding (uninterrupted?) to the other end. I had a similar procedure for making sure I didn't overlook anything. Because I had "help", I guess I got distracted and didn't follow through. Fortunately, I have to go back today and finish some stuff up, so I can rescue the stranded baking equipment.

For me, that kind of thing pushes some alarm buttons. "OMG, I overlooked something and someone's gonna die, and it probably won't be me!!!" I'm beginning to suspect that this isn't the way a "normal" brain works.

There have been people who I'm nearly always glad to be around. I don't think this is because they are "better" than other people, exactly. It's because they exude a calm energy that suggests "we've got this". I know they aren't going to ask me a gazillion questions that I'm going to have to work my way through, process, and answer, while feeling like it's changing subject, taking me off track, and setting me up to miss something important in what i WAS doing AND the new conversation. Some people are willing to just be and let be, you know? I'm not saying that the question askers are wrong, just that that sort thing ups the stress level tremendously. Sometimes a person has to shift gears, and it's fair to ask. Just realize what you might be asking.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

For me, being physically busy, at a job that requires attention, is kind of a "safe place". I know what I'm doing, I know how to do it, and generally I'm allowed to just do my job, with no interruptions. I suppose it gives the illusion of having some sort of control over something, in a world where I know that doesn't really exist.

Yes! For me, its also one large distraction that I get mentally lost in. My job isnt physical but it is an intense, people yelling at me job but it is still one large distraction of what I am going through mentally. I come home and thats when it all hits me. Take vacation? Same thing! I am probably the only one that cannot take vacation. It is hell for me when I cannot have that huge distraction and I learned that the hard way by taking what I call "the vacation from hell".

 

[Deanna]

Yes! For me, its also one large distraction that I get mentally lost in. My job isnt physical but it is an intense, people yelling at me job but it is still one large distraction of what I am going through mentally. I come home and thats when it all hits me. Take vacation? Same thing! I am probably the only one that cannot take vacation. It is hell for me when I cannot have that huge distraction and I learned that the hard way by taking what I call "the vacation from hell".

Yay! Someone like me! Well.. I've gotten a lil better. I could be on vacation for 3? days. And that is if everything was fine here (or at a point I felt good at) but not too far away! I'd really be stressing then.

 

[Freida]

dit - apologies, just have taken this away from the sufferer perspective! I suppose I’m wondering what is happening during one of these extended periods. How can someone still work an intense job? Does that add to the problem like some sort of vicious cycle?

My ts have both agreed that going into 911 was the worst possible job choice I could have made :laugh: High stress? check People die if you don't pay attention? check. Reward dissociation so you don't get sucked into the emergency? check.
Yep -- so much high stress stuff that it pushed all my silly ass past issues into the background so I never had to deal with it.

Yay! Someone like me! Well.. I've gotten a lil better. I could be on vacation for 3? days. And that is if everything was fine here (or at a point I felt good at) but not too far away! I'd really be stressing then.

Welcome to the Island of Misfit Toys! We are down at the beach drinking margaritas -- come join us :laugh: