General What are they thinking?

[apear1818]

@apear1818 I totally get it and someone on here said to me to do what makes me feel better as long as it's not too excessive, multiple texts a day sort of thing. This is my first time going through this and I did exactly what you are doing. Texts ranged from freaking out, to taking it personally and getting defensive (before I knew anything about PTSD), to funny pics, to begging him to talk to me and saying I miss him so much.
I have forced myself down to 1 text a week the past 2 weeks, haven't spoken to him in almost 3 weeks. So I've basically texted him twice since we last spoke. It's so against my nature to ignore people so this is really hard for me to understand and put myself in his shoes. I came here for more information on both sides (sufferer and supporter) and it's helped but there are still so many unknowns and it's clear everyone handles their isolation differently. Last week I told him I still care and will be here and I'm not going anywhere and won't give up. No response. Today I feel like saying, "do you just want me out of your life for good or is this still temporary?? I need to know!" But I'm forcing myself to not reach out until it's been 7 days. This is literally the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and although I've known him for a few years we only recently became close the past few months and I guess I fell hard and didn't see this coming. I hope he gets to a good place soon so we can catch up. I feel like I have so much in my life I want to share and can't. ?
This is always a hard month for me personally for some things I went through in the past and I just wish I had him around to talk to about anything. I always wonder if he misses me this much too but I am guessing I'm not even on his mind at all with all he's going through. I can't imagine trying to work and live life day to day with what they go through and how hard it can get sometimes. ?

Yes. Yes. Yes! I feel like I just re-read my own post... It sounds to me like we are in very similar situations.
I'm so so sorry that you're having to go through this, but I'm glad you've found this forum the first time around.
I remember how much of an absolute mess I was the first time he isolated (2 weeks), I didn't sleep or eat or really even take care of myself besides the bare minimum and I was a shell of a person. I have gotten better at dealing with it all since that time, but I definitely still have my moments.
For what it's worth, I'm so proud of you for limiting yourself to once a week texts... I know how hard that is! Keep it up and stay strong, we've got your back and are here for you <3
I have a REALLY hard time putting myself in those shoes as well as I'm not the ignoring type either; I'm also the type that likes answers as soon as possible. I don't understand it yet I'm trying to respect it.
I totally get wanting to share things about your life with him. At some point it affects you on more than just the relationship level; it feels like you've lost a piece of your support system that you used to rely on or even just a friend that you used to tell exciting news to. This has been a rough week for me as well and I really needed him to be there for me, but he wasn't.
Has he given you any response at all since he's isolated?

I wonder that as well. He has unfriended me off of Facebook, though I'm not sure why since I never contact him on there at all, but he still watches every single one of my snapchat stories. I know I've said this before, but this confuses the heck out of me. I want to badly to talk to him and I've reached out so many times and I get nothing back.. there is zero communication between us... but he will watch my damn snapchat stories? It's been like this for over two weeks and I don't know what to make of it.

On another note, I hate imagining what he might be going through his head, or what he might be feeling on a daily basis, and especially the scene of him in his apartment alone at night. After he is done isolating and I go to his apartment it looks like a hurricane hit and it's obvious that he's not taking care of himself during those times. Take out bags and candy wrappers everywhere, dirty clothes every where, a make shift bed on the living room floor, every single one of his guns in strategic places. It breaks my heart to see that.

 

[Songbirdhero]

Yes. Yes. Yes! I feel like I just re-read my own post... It sounds to me like we are in very similar situations.
I'm so so sorry that you're having to go through this, but I'm glad you've found this forum the first time around.
I remember how much of an absolute mess I was the first time he isolated (2 weeks), I didn't sleep or eat or really even take care of myself besides the bare minimum and I was a shell of a person. I have gotten better at dealing with it all since that time, but I definitely still have my moments.
For what it's worth, I'm so proud of you for limiting yourself to once a week texts... I know how hard that is! Keep it up and stay strong, we've got your back and are here for you <3
I have a REALLY hard time putting myself in those shoes as well as I'm not the ignoring type either; I'm also the type that likes answers as soon as possible. I don't understand it yet I'm trying to respect it.
I totally get wanting to share things about your life with him. At some point it affects you on more than just the relationship level; it feels like you've lost a piece of your support system that you used to rely on or even just a friend that you used to tell exciting news to. This has been a rough week for me as well and I really needed him to be there for me, but he wasn't.
Has he given you any response at all since he's isolated?

I wonder that as well. He has unfriended me off of Facebook, though I'm not sure why since I never contact him on there at all, but he still watches every single one of my snapchat stories. I know I've said this before, but this confuses the heck out of me. I want to badly to talk to him and I've reached out so many times and I get nothing back.. there is zero communication between us... but he will watch my damn snapchat stories? It's been like this for over two weeks and I don't know what to make of it.

On another note, I hate imagining what he might be going through his head, or what he might be feeling on a daily basis, and especially the scene of him in his apartment alone at night. After he is done isolating and I go to his apartment it looks like a hurricane hit and it's obvious that he's not taking care of himself during those times. Take out bags and candy wrappers everywhere, dirty clothes every where, a make shift bed on the living room floor, every single one of his guns in strategic places. It breaks my heart to see that.

That is a mystery, as to why he'd unfriend you on FB but watch the snapchat. Maybe he's trying to limit how much of your posts he sees? My guy doesn't have social media at all so I'm in the dark until he texts me back or emails since I gave him mine but still don't have his. I was hoping maybe he'd email as it's less direct??
He has spoken to me a few times since he isolated, which was about 6 weeks ago. He tried to talk to me a few weeks after and sounded like himself, then 2 days later said he shouldn't have contacted me and needed to work on himself. ? Unfortunately I was completely confused and hurt and took it personal, said things I probably shouldn't have, started to read up on PTSD and apologized profusely. We spoke one other time briefly after that and he said he was ok but it was literally a 1 minute phone call. I didn't even get to ask what he wants me to do...keep reaching out, leave him alone, does he want anything to do with me and just need time to work on things and if so how long? I have so many unanswered questions and I go from heartbroken to depressed to angry everyday. I'm angry this is happening to him. He is literally the nicest guy. I'm heartbroken he won't let me back in and I'm depressed beyond belief bc I miss our crazy conversations and just want to see him and give him a huge hug and have some fun for a day.
Its crazy what we are going through is so similar. It's hard but I think the more you reach out the more it pushes them away. That's why I'm telling myself once a week contact only. I hope I'm not blocked on his phone, thats my fear and another reason I cut back. I don't want to lose my only way to communicate with him.
I have such a hard time concentrating at work lately too. I keep asking myself, how much time is enough before he lets me back in? How much time goes by before it's too long? I feel like his concept of time isn't the same as mine. Everyday is so hard for me when I don't hear from him and he probably doesn't even realize how long it's been as he obviously has bigger things on his mind.
I know you said you're going through some things too. I hope you have others you can lean on at least for now. I know how hard it is. I feel lost everyday. We should keep in contact and work through this together. We can do it! For them!

 

[anon1234]

There were a few days last week that I really needed him to be there for me (personal stress outside of our relationship) and tell me that everything is going to be ok and just hold me; but hen he inevitable wasn't there I broke down even more and found myself in a really low, sad, angry place at the time.

There is no easy way to say this, but sometimes isolation can be months at a time, particularly once numbing has kicked in and they can't handle any emotions other than their own. If he comes back, you will need to consider if you can handle another bout of isolation and what your boundaries are for how long the isolation can be. In my experience, the more serious we got, the longer the isolation bouts because the relationship itself became more stressful than can be handled. And this was with both of us having a commitment oath to not be with anybody else. What's the longest for me? Three and a half months.

I don't want to discourage you from sticking with this because I am still in my situation years in, but there have been times when I have had major life crises and he hasn't been there. He is isolating again and I am beginning to accept that being in a relationship is not good for him right now and he needs time to focus on his own health and wellbeing. As they say, if you truly love someone, set them free. Think of the time away as loving space. I honestly text very infrequently now. Wishing you all the best and keep active on this forum, it helps.

 

[anon1234]

He tried to talk to me a few weeks after and sounded like himself, then 2 days later said he shouldn't have contacted me and needed to work on himself.

My advice here? Let him be and stop imagining all the things that could be going on right now (I know it's tough!). It will just make things feel worse for you and is wasted emotional energy that doesn't have any positive resolution for either party. If he says he needs to work on himself, take that at face value. I have seen my partner in a highly highly dissociative symptomatic state and he really did need his alone time to work on his recovery. It really was challenging for me to see - but made me understand the severity of the situation.

Let him come back to you when he is ready. He needs this time.

In the meantime, take the time to do things for yourself and he will be relieved you have not fallen into a deep depression because he isolated. Two things that can make isolation last longer: 1) not letting them have space when they ask for it, and 2) concern that the relationship is ruining/damaging/hurting the other person.

Wishing you and your sufferer all the best!

 

[Songbirdhero]

My advice here? Let him be and stop imagining all the things that could be going on right now (I know it's tough!). It will just make things feel worse for you and is wasted emotional energy that doesn't have any positive resolution for either party. If he says he needs to work on himself, take that at face value. I have seen my partner in a highly highly dissociative symptomatic state and he really did need his alone time to work on his recovery. It really was challenging for me to see - but made me understand the severity of the situation.

Let him come back to you when he is ready. He needs this time.

In the meantime, take the time to do things for yourself and he will be relieved you have not fallen into a deep depression because he isolated. Two things that can make isolation last longer: 1) not letting them have space when they ask for it, and 2) concern that the relationship is ruining/damaging/hurting the other person.

Wishing you and your sufferer all the best!

Thank you for the advice! So do you also think I should stop reaching out even once a week? And just move on with my life and "hope" one day, I will hear from him? I've literally cut back to 1 text a week and that's so hard as it is. I keep hoping he will respond. This would be 100 times easier if he just had said, "look I still care and want to talk to you etc, but I just need time right now to process what I went through, it could be for weeks and I'll reach out when I am ready to talk but I still want you in my life." But our few conversations have been so cryptic. Someone on here has said that they feel loved knowing someone is still reaching out and there for them, even if they can't respond.
I don't have it in me to walk away just yet. I told him last week in my weekly text I still care and I'm not going anywhere. The last time I talked to him he told me he wasn't going anywhere and it's been almost 3 weeks. I know, stop trying to figure it all out, but everything he has said to this point makes me feel like this is temporary. Why is this so hard? ?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Ok supporters, let’s keep this thread on topic... focus on what sufferers are thinking and not what WE think they’re thinking.

 

[Songbirdhero]

Ok supporters, let’s keep this thread on topic... focus on what sufferers are thinking and not what WE think they’re thinking.

Sorry! ? I'd love to know what mine is thinking vs what little he's said, I guess that was what I was trying to get across. Feel free to delete my posts if you want.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Now, I try my hardest to give him his space and back off but sometimes I break down and I reach out to him every few days. I'm sort of embarrassed to admit this but my texts to him range from letting him know I'm still here, to telling him about my day or random screen shots of things I think he would want to see, all the way to a full on break down begging him to come back. I just want to talk to him.

Are you saying that I might be coming off as obsessively needy in the relationship because I want to see/talk to him at some point while he is isolating? *Not taking offense to this at all, just wanting it to be clarified so I might understand your point of view a bit more

I know you weren't asking me but, from the melt down sort of text you described, that would indeed push me away further. That's just me though. But, that said, when isolated, I would try to keep your text short and sweet. Like, I am still here. Can you text every now and again so that I know you are at least ok? But, I would not have melt down sort of text. That's gonna add a heap load of stress on him, whom already has an overflowing stress cup. Just coming from how I'd respond anyway. So, that's just me.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I was just making a general statement, not singling anybody out. This thread is unique in the supporter section because it’s geared more towards sufferer input. The rest of the section is geared for support and commiserations. Every once in awhile supporters need refocused on this thread.

It’s easy to get hung up trying to interpret the “signs of the universe” or hidden meaning in language when you have radio silence. It’s kind of all you have to cling to. Just don’t fall into the trap of mind reading.... you’ll make yourself nuts. Seriously. You can never really know what somebody else is thinking unless they tell you.

That’s why this is a great thread. The people contributing what they’re thinking are sufferers. It may not be the same thing that your particular sufferer is thinking, but it may give some insight into common thought patterns, behaviors, etc.

I think this thread is way more helpful used for information, not so much theorizing. Read and ask questions. It’s pretty informative.

 

[anon1234]

Sorry, didn't realize what thread this was. The replies came up as an alert to something I'd written on once and I've been off the site for a while. I'll make sure I check next time :)

 

[Freida]

Could you clarify this for me please? Are you saying that I might be coming off as obsessively needy in the relationship because I want to see/talk to him at some point while he is isolating? *Not taking offense to this at all, just wanting it to be clarified so I might understand your point of view a bit more :)

Ok -- You asked! :laugh:

sooo.... I'm usually the "fixer" person in most of my relationships. It's not a bad thing -- it's how I'm wired. So when someone needs me I can usually be counted on to respond. I usually don't have an issue with it -- again, how I'm wired. But. When my brain goes into hyper drive I can't. Just. Cant. Can't deal with my own crap, so I have nothing left to give to anyone else. I think this is something really hard to describe to supporters. I am fighting to keep my sanity. Not an exaggeration. A truth in my world. It is a moment by moment fight against the demons that are camping in my brain. If I let go of that struggle, even for one minute, I'm going to be dead. Again. Not an exaggeration. Just stating a fact.

Now comes along a supporter who doesn't get it. And they start yapping at me. "where are youoooooo" Why won't you talk to meeeeeee???? Why don't you looovveee meeeee? Please talk to meeeee" and blah blah blah. Like a mosquito.
I am fighting to stay alive and they want reassurance that I'm still feeling love/friendship/whatever for them. Are you f*cking kidding me?? Not gonna happen. When I'm in that place I get really angry with people who want my attention. And I'm the first to admit it's not fair. But. Such is my life with ptsd.

Somewhere along the way in this thread I went off on a rant about why I hate my supporters that might be worth a look. I think it was fairly early on --- probably in January. I wrote it at a time I was deep in isolation. If I remember correctly it's pretty ..uhm... bitchy. :laugh: But it's a good look at what was happening in real time.

But I also know that my supporters will be waiting for me when I come out because most of them have been around for a long time. I also know they don't put their lives on hold, which takes a tremendous amount of pressure off me. I can be alone and working on smashing my demons and not have to worry about them. Not. Have. To. Worry. About. Them. THAT is the best gift they can give me.
And if I lose one because they have moved on while I was off on my tangent? Well. That's also life with ptsd.

If you don't mind me asking, did you get sent back?

Nope. I was within 2 weeks of finishing up my reserve time and missed the call back by 4 days. It was the LONGEST two weeks of my life because my friends were all getting called back. I was so stressed I could barely function - which kind of sucked because I was working full time and going to school. And I had no idea if I was going to WAR. At any moment my phone was going to ring and a voice would tell me I was leaving my cushy life and going to the sandbox to bake in thousand degree heat dragging gear that weighed as much as I did while people shot at me.

THAT is what he is thinking about right now.

I didn't have supporters at the time but I can guarantee I would have been.... well raving bitch is probably the polite phrase. :laugh:

Does that help??

 

[Songbirdhero]

Now comes along a supporter who doesn't get it. And they start yapping at me. "where are youoooooo" Why won't you talk to meeeeeee???? Why don't you looovveee meeeee? Please talk to meeeee" and blah blah blah. Like a mosquito.
I am fighting to stay alive and they want reassurance that I'm still feeling love/friendship/whatever for them. Are you f*cking kidding me?? Not gonna happen. When I'm in that place I get really angry with people who want my attention. And I'm the first to admit it's not fair. But. Such is my life with ptsd.

Does that help??

Omg. Nail on the head right there. You are sooo helpful! I'm sorry you're dealing with this daily, but I'm so glad you're comfortable to share because this is exactly how I envision my sufferer when I reached out. Even the last time.we spoke, pretty sure he was abrupt and cut me off and that was that bc I was sounding that annoying mosquito. ?
Its crazy how you think as a supporter your words are meant to be consoling but really they are just pissing off the sufferer. I needed to hear this today bc I was on the brink of breaking my own new rule and being that annoying mosquito again but I swatted at myself and said no! He doesn't need that still, let him step into the mosquito cloud on his own when he's ready. ?