General What are they thinking?

[apear1818]

I still want to know what's happening with people I care about when I'm isolating. Even if I can't offer owt back.

This may be a stupid question, but I'm trying to understand this part more from the sufferers side; why can't you offer anything back? I know his suffering cannot be put on a time line but it's been two weeks of hearing absolutely nothing from him. All I want is to hear anything at all from him.

do you have other friends you can focus on? Or other interests?

Yes, I do. Honestly I've spent the last few days at home being sad but I'm really going to try and get it together this weekend. I'm going to try and spend a lot of my time with my family (which is sometimes hard because they don't know that him and I are having problems and they ask a lot of questions about him that I cannot answer). I also have plans with some friends and I might go out tonight... anything to keep my mind off of him and maybe start moving on.

Lastly, I welcome any and all input! Thank you! :)

 

[Chris-duck]

This may be a stupid question, but I'm trying to understand this part more from the sufferers side; why can't you offer anything back?

Um, lots of reasons. Too much going on in my head so talking to other people is energy I don't have. Especially not when I'll have to stop isolating and explain why I isolated in the first place. Or thinking they're better off away from me. Or a million reasons. I dunno, it's hard to answer when I dunno him :laugh: I can only speak for me.

I'm going to try and spend a lot of my time with my family (which is sometimes hard because they don't know that him and I are having problems and they ask a lot of questions about him that I cannot answer). I also have plans with some friends and I might go out tonight... anything to keep my mind off of him and maybe start moving on.

Sounds good :)

 

[apear1818]

Did you discuss any of this with him during the 7 months you have been together

Or after his first, second or third isolation?

I didn't quite put two and two together until I found this forum a couple of weeks ago. The first, second and third time he isolated I thought he was just dealing with what ever seemed to be the problem at that time (which he always had a fairly good excuse). It never had anything to do with me, but he would disappear with out any warning for a week or two at a time and it would drive me crazy. I absolutely should have read more into it, but we would always just talk about it briefly and move past it. I didn't want to dig at those times because I knew he had been in a bad place and I didn't want to make it worse. However, now that I think there is much more to it than him just being bad at dealing with stress, I want so badly to have that conversation, but I can't.

I don't know if this was anything you want or need to hear but I just wanted to toss out some ideas to you. As we say around here, take what works and leave the rest.

Thank you for the input! Sometimes what I need to hear and want to hear aren't always the same thing! :)

I just don't have the capacity to listen.... welllok, don't want to even if I did

I knew I was making life hard - so then I felt bad. Which completely overwhelmed me because I thought taking off to protect them was the right thing to do. I CANNOT, even now, deal with their feelings when I'm in that place. nope nope nope. If I'm making them miserable they just need to find a way to deal until it's over.

These two statements cleared up things just a bit for me. I feel like this is probably how he is feeling (or at least that's what I think); it explains his actions quite a bit and why he runs from me/ shuts me out.

learning from the supporters here knocked me on my ass. I was clueless.

Hmmm this is eye opening. I guess I just assumed he knew he was hurting me and that what he was doing to me isn't fair.

I'm doing them a favor. It's a little hard to imagine anyone would actually want me around

I've heard this from him many times and never understood why he thought I wouldn't want to be around him? He thinks very little of himself and he's the only one in our relationship that has ever looked at him in a negative light.

want a real answer, whatever is.

As others have already said, do this some day safe and stable

Yes, I have a very hard time getting real answers out of him as usually they are jumbled up messes that he can't explain any better than I can understand. If I do hear from him again (which honestly, it's not looking like I will), I will absolutely hold back my urge to interrogate him and I will try to wait for a safe and stable day.

Thanks!

Um, lots of reasons. Too much going on in my head so talking to other people is energy I don't have. Especially not when I'll have to stop isolating and explain why I isolated in the first place.

This makes a lot of sense to me actually, thanks. I know he's got a lot going on in his head, especially because he doesn't know if he's going to be called back into service or not (pending the rising tensions in the middle east), and just the daily B.S. that he deals with. On top of that, I absolutely want an explanation. Honestly, at this point I would be ok with sitting next to him with out saying a word to each other, something to at least know he's there.

Or thinking they're better off away from me

He has said this to me quite a few times; that I am not "safe" around him, or that I should leave while I can, or that he's too messed up to be dealt with (all his words, never mine).

 

[Freida]

especially because he doesn't know if he's going to be called back into

Holy crap this would have me totally isolated. Probably bad girl take off don't tell anyone type isolation. As in I'm never coming back dont even try to find me isolated. It's making me sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

He has said this to me quite a few times; that I am not "safe" around him, or that I should leave while I can, or that he's too messed up to be dealt with (all his words, never mine).

Yep.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I wish I could understand this more.. It's driving me a little crazy honestly. All I want is for him to reach out to me in any way and say anything at all. Also, as of last night he has now unfriended me on Facebook, but continues to watch my snapchat stories.

Think, saftey. Think, in person talking, touching, hearing isn't safe. Telling isn't safe. Distance is saftey. Him watching snap chat at a distance is safe. So, he watches what his heart breaks for at a safe distance. Not sure if that made anymore sense. At least when I isolate, its to saftey. And, yep, I am sure that possibly going back is making it 100 times worse for him.

 

[Songbirdhero]

I wish I could understand this more.. It's driving me a little crazy honestly. All I want is for him to reach out to me in any way and say anything at all. Also, as of last night he has now unfriended me on Facebook, but continues to watch my snapchat stories.

I completely here you as I'm going through the same thing right now. Why can't they just say something? Anything? I'm trying to understand too, it's not easy at all and this is completely new to me. I tell myself it's not personal, it's him, needing to feel safe again and empty his stress cup. Then I think, I hope this isn't permanent, and one day he'll feel good enough to reach out. I told him I'm not going anywhere and I still care and I'm not giving up. Unfortunately there isn't much else we can do on our side of the fence to help them, as painful as it is. This is a battle they have to fight.

Think, saftey. Think, in person talking, touching, hearing isn't safe. Telling isn't safe. Distance is saftey. Him watching snap chat at a distance is safe. So, he watches what his heart breaks for at a safe distance. Not sure if that made anymore sense. At least when I isolate, its to saftey. And, yep, I am sure that possibly going back is making it 100 times worse for him.

This actually makes a lot of sense to me. Thank you for the imagery! I just wish we could convince the brain otherwise, that those things were in the past and you're safe now.

 

[apear1818]

Holy crap this would have me totally isolated. Probably bad girl take off don't tell anyone type isolation. As in I'm never coming back dont even try to find me isolated. It's making me sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

Yea, he got called into MEPS about two months ago and was determined fit for service. Originally he was really stressed about it, then managed to push on with life, and now that stuff in the middle east is getting worse I think he's getting really stressed out about it again.

Probably bad girl take off don't tell anyone type isolation

It just occurred to me, but maybe this is kind of his "bad girl" take off... I mean it's been radio silence for two weeks (which is the longest he's ever gone). Not saying it's the same situation, but just a thought.

I completely here you as I'm going through the same thing right now. Why can't they just say something? Anything? I'm trying to understand too, it's not easy at all and this is completely new to me. I tell myself it's not personal, it's him, needing to feel safe again and empty his stress cup. Then I think, I hope this isn't permanent, and one day he'll feel good enough to reach out. I told him I'm not going anywhere and I still care and I'm not giving up. Unfortunately there isn't much else we can do on our side of the fence to help them, as painful as it is. This is a battle they have to fight.

I'm sorry that you're going through this, I know how much it hurts. I'm glad it's not just me out there feeling like this though; if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to reach out to me.
I have started to think that I might not be able to hold on much longer though. I want to so badly so that when he's back we can continue our lives.. but there isn't an end in sight and it's hurting me more and more every day. I don't want to let go of him and I haven't yet. I also told him I'm not going anywhere and I won't give up, but sometimes I think I would be happier not being technically "in a relationship" with him right now when he can't give me anything back. I can be there for him and not give up on him but also not have the weight of "my boyfriend hasn't spoken to me in two weeks" on me at all times. God I feel terrible for that but it might have to be an option if he doesn't come around soon.

This actually makes a lot of sense to me. Thank you for the imagery! I just wish we could convince the brain otherwise, that those things were in the past and you're safe now.

@Songbirdhero what @Chris-duck said about it helped me a lot too.

Um, lots of reasons. Too much going on in my head so talking to other people is energy I don't have. Especially not when I'll have to stop isolating and explain why I isolated in the first place. Or thinking they're better off away from me. Or a million reasons. I dunno, it's hard to answer when I dunno him :laugh: I can only speak for me.

Think, saftey. Think, in person talking, touching, hearing isn't safe. Telling isn't safe. Distance is saftey. Him watching snap chat at a distance is safe. So, he watches what his heart breaks for at a safe distance. Not sure if that made anymore sense. At least when I isolate, its to saftey. And, yep, I am sure that possibly going back is making it 100 times worse for him.

Thank you for this share, it made a lot of sense. I hate to imagine him in this light, he's such a light-hearted, goofy, loving man and I'm sure he is doing what he can to get by every day; eating nutter butters and cheese-it's for breakfast, lunch and dinner and sleeping on the living room floor with his German Shepherd and all of his guns.
I don't know for sure that he's doing that, but that is usually the aftermath I find at his house when he comes out of isolation.
I'm going to try to hang on as long as I can... I love him so much and he doesn't deserve this.

 

[Friday]

that those things were in the past and you're safe now.

One thing to keep in mind? Is that we’re all different people.

I couldn’t give a flying f*ck about being safe, for instance... but you read over and over and over in the forums how important it is for a lot of people. Shrug. It doesn’t even inform my decisions, much less shape my life. To me? It makes about as much sense as shaping my life around the Easter Bunny. It’s not a real thing. So why would I care about it? Danger, on the other hand, IS real, & does very much inform my decisions. NOT to be safe, again that’s total bullshit, but to be prepared to meet it as well as I’m able. I have neither need nor desire to be “safe”. I have a very strong desire to be competent & capable.

So whilst we can give you our own reasons for doing things? And if you read around the forums you’ll probably notice different trends/groupings (like vets tend toward this, abuse victims tend toward that, etc.)? At the end of the day, when you’re dating/married/parenting/having a relationship of any kind with someone with PTSD? What OTHER people with PTSD do/need/want doesn’t matter. It’s what YOUR person does, and how, and why, etc. that matters.

Just a word of warning from someone who has dated people who thought they knew what I “really” meant/felt/wanted etc. because that was what other people did. Well, fine. Go date them, instead.

 

[Songbirdhero]

@Friday that all makes perfect sense too!
I guess I didn't mean for him specificall to know he's safe, I was just referring in general for people who think that.
The forums are helpful but it's clear everyone has their own opinions on what someone with PTSD may do or think or how they may act based on their experience. It definitely comes down to everyone is different. The advice and info that everyone shares is very helpful but you're right, each person is unique and you can't go by their specific experience.

 

[Butterfly64]

I'm starting to accept this and maybe starting to let go a bit. I hate to admit it but I don't think I can be there for him if he doesn't give me any type of contact what so ever... It's hurting me too much. I would have loved to be able to have the chance to have the "boundary" conversation with him, but I never got the chance and I'm not sure if I ever will since I haven't heard anything at all from him in two weeks. I'm not sure if this is his way of breaking up with me (if so, this freaking sucks), or he think I'll just go away eventually, or maybe he really just can't bring himself to talk to me... I don't know.


This is my next step. Right now I'm trying to convince myself that it's over and that I'll have to be the one to say that we are done, even though that's not what I want at all.


Thank you <3 I truly appreciate everyone on this forum and all of the support and insight that is given... It's helped me immensely.

Listen Sweetie...the really, really hard part is all the unanswerede questions....does he miss me, is he seeing someone else, does he think about me at all, is it over? Been there, done that for two years....and 1,5 of those years we lived two minutes apart by foot. So I know how you feel...should I stay or should I go. I don’t have the answer for you...only you have. If you give up now, you will probably spend a long time thinking what would have happened, if you had stayed...would you have been able to work it out. There is no easy solution here...and it kills you...I know. You stay as long as you can...he will probably return...and if it gets better...if he is willing to communicate, then good for you. But if he won’t/can’t communicate...if it doesn’t get better, then walk away, never look back and remember that there is nothing wrong with you...you tried and so did he...as best he could.

 

[apear1818]

One thing to keep in mind? Is that we’re all different people.

I couldn’t give a flying f*ck about being safe, for instance... but you read over and over and over in the forums how important it is for a lot of people. Shrug. It doesn’t even inform my decisions, much less shape my life. To me? It makes about as much sense as shaping my life around the Easter Bunny. It’s not a real thing. So why would I care about it? Danger, on the other hand, IS real, & does very much inform my decisions. NOT to be safe, again that’s total bullshit, but to be prepared to meet it as well as I’m able. I have neither need nor desire to be “safe”. I have a very strong desire to be competent & capable.

So whilst we can give you our own reasons for doing things? And if you read around the forums you’ll probably notice different trends/groupings (like vets tend toward this, abuse victims tend toward that, etc.)? At the end of the day, when you’re dating/married/parenting/having a relationship of any kind with someone with PTSD? What OTHER people with PTSD do/need/want doesn’t matter. It’s what YOUR person does, and how, and why, etc. that matters.

Just a word of warning from someone who has dated people who thought they knew what I “really” meant/felt/wanted etc. because that was what other people did. Well, fine. Go date them, instead.

I appreciate the share, I'm definitely learning from all of the different perspectives that people offer on here.
When my boyfriend comes back I am definitely going to keep this in mind.

Listen Sweetie...the really, really hard part is all the unanswerede questions....does he miss me, is he seeing someone else, does he think about me at all, is it over? Been there, done that for two years....and 1,5 of those years we lived two minutes apart by foot. So I know how you feel...should I stay or should I go. I don’t have the answer for you...only you have. If you give up now, you will probably spend a long time thinking what would have happened, if you had stayed...would you have been able to work it out. There is no easy solution here...and it kills you...I know. You stay as long as you can...he will probably return...and if it gets better...if he is willing to communicate, then good for you. But if he won’t/can’t communicate...if it doesn’t get better, then walk away, never look back and remember that there is nothing wrong with you...you tried and so did he...as best he could.

I completely agree with your whole post. I'm going back and forth on if I should say or go... maybe this is what the Clash was singing about (haha couldn't resist). I'm still pretty confident that he will return, but he has a completely different timeline than I do; my "we'll talk later" is later that day or the next day, but his "we'll talk later" is indefinite, sometimes it's a few days, sometimes its a week or two and in this case it's probably going to be a month or so. I'm scared that he's dug his self in so deep that he can't find a way out, and I think he thinks that he's in deep shit with me too (if he's even considering me at all).
It's absolutely killing me, but maybe I'll be able to hang on for a while longer and he will open up the line of communication again. Until I've had the "boundary" talk with him then I can't say that I've tried everything and we failed..

 

[Butterfly64]

I completely agree with your whole post. I'm going back and forth on if I should say or go... maybe this is what the Clash was singing about (haha couldn't resist). I'm still pretty confident that he will return, but he has a completely different timeline than I do; my "we'll talk later" is later that day or the next day, but his "we'll talk later" is indefinite, sometimes it's a few days, sometimes its a week or two and in this case it's probably going to be a month or so. I'm scared that he's dug his self in so deep that he can't find a way out, and I think he thinks that he's in deep shit with me too (if he's even considering me at all).
It's absolutely killing me, but maybe I'll be able to hang on for a while longer and he will open up the line of communication again. Until I've had the "boundary" talk with him then I can't say that I've tried everything and we failed..

There are no guarantees that the boundary talk is going to help...just so you know. When he needs to pull away, he may not have the energy to tell you...just saying. I will bet you almost anything that he is thinking about you....missing you...but he has no energy/no need to tell you this....