General What are they thinking?

[Freida]

but he has watched every single one of my snap chat stories...

yep -- curious enough to be engaged in what you are up to and if you are ok, but not ready to be a human yet...???

I feel selfish as a supporter by not being able to keep it together all of the time because I know he is dealing with so much worse.

--
Nope nope nope!!!! You shouldn't feel selfish -- this is some really really tough stuff you are dealing with. It's like you are trying to learn a whole new language and no one gave you a dictionary.

Do people with ptsd have some tough crap to deal with? Yep. But that doesn't devalue what others are struggling with. It just means it takes us a bit more time and effort. to get past it

Personally I couldn't go two weeks without hearing from my guy. PTSD or not.

ya..I'm in the "must check in everyday" mandate :laugh: But it took us a while to get there -- because ground rules can only be set when both people are calm and able to discuss it. That's like trying to herd cats with a broom that's on fire.

I know I've said it before -- but it's worth repeating. Before I found this forum I had NO idea what my supporters were going thru. None. Never even occurred to me that they worried when I went dark. It took the supporters here quite a while to get it thru my head -- and now I try to be better. Note the word try. I don't always succeed. But I am at least aware there is a cost. Chances are if it's true isolation he has no idea how this is affecting you. That's why those calm talks are so important. Because it will probably happen again. hubby and I are at 24 years and counting and I still take off. I just have more ground rules to follow now.

 

[Butterfly64]

Thank you! Now that I think about it, I think that's what I did. My bad!

Let me be honest with you. The two years I spend with him, were hard. I spend so much energy waiting....I put my life on hold for him. I had no energy for friends, my mom who is now 78, my son who has mental issues due to the fact that my exhusband of 17 has a temper (he is not the father of my son) and I was in between jobs due to the fact that I am an academic and former business owner ( overqualified for most jobs...ridiculous concept). So instead of spending all my energy on being a good daughter and mom and being more active in the job hunt, I sat around and waited for him to contact me. Now....I am considered to be an intelligent, attractive woman in my mid fifties....but at the end, I could not recognize myself. So why am I telling you this...simply to let you know that it is not enough that he loves you, if he can’t act on it. I know he loved me....he still does, but that is not enough.....I am done waiting around and it feels good! Promise me that when waiting around for him, you will do your best to spend time with family and friends! Don’t isolate yourself like I did...don’t look at your phone every five minutes. Pick yourself right up, shake the sadness off. He will be back...he pulls away from you because of his feelings for you...remember that! And when he comes back, see if he is willing to communicate....there is a risk that it will make him flee again so tread gently. I am right here for you ! I got your back ?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I can see that he is watching my snapchat stories, which I find very strange but at least I know he is OK

Probably means he's missing you but can't find the ability to talk to you just yet. Or, at least that's what I do! I commonly watch videos and pictures of family that I dearly miss but won't call them (for different reasons) but that doesn't stop the literal heartbreak of not being able to see them. So, I see them in a safe way.

I feel selfish as a supporter by not being able to keep it together all of the time because I know he is dealing with so much worse.

Don't invaildate your own suffering that way. He is going through some hard stuff no doubt but your pain is also very real and that is vaild. It doesn't even matter what he's going through right not. What matters (or should matter) to you is you. If that makes sense.

 

[apear1818]

yep -- curious enough to be engaged in what you are up to and if you are ok, but not ready to be a human yet...???

I wish I could understand this more, but right now it's confusing me. I like that he is watching them and honestly I'm posting stuff just to see that he is seeing them because that's something, right? Some parts of me (way back in my twisted way of thinking about this) think that he is trying to reassure me somehow by watching them? Or, maybe he's watching everyone's and I happen to be apart of that group..

I had NO idea what my supporters were going thru. None. Never even occurred to me that they worried when I went dark.

Did your supporters ever tell you that they were worried about you and that it was negatively affecting them when you went dark?

 

[Chris-duck]

I know these aren't directed at me. But I'll offer input n see if it helps anyway.

I like that he is watching them and honestly I'm posting stuff just to see that he is seeing them because that's something, right?

I still want to know what's happening with people I care about when I'm isolating. Even if I can't offer owt back.
But what is probably more important is, do you have other friends you can focus on? Or other interests? Stuff so you have enough going on that his stuff isn't such a big thing to you.

Did your supporters ever tell you that they were worried about you and that it was negatively affecting them when you went dark?

My supporters put in rules pretty early, they say it's "just who I am" that I suck at staying in touch but I can't ignore them for longer than two weeks without a "hey I'm good" message. N that's without a relationship or owt. That's just friends

 

[LuckiLee]

Did you discuss any of this with him during the 7 months you have been together @apear1818 ? Or after his first, second or third isolation? If he's avoiding his diagnosis, symptoms and coping mechanisms??? You're fighting a losing battle. imo. HE has to do the work IF he wants things to change. You can research your butt off but it comes down to him and what he is capable of dealing with (and giving you) right now.

I feel if you want to say "hi, how are you doing"? to your boyfriend? Do it. If that pushes him farther away so be it. I wouldn't question him about relationship stuff and I'd keep the conversation light. (If he replies)

J and I live together so he doesn't technically isolate. But when he's symptomatic I let him initiate and lead the conversation. Sometimes, "what do you want for dinner"? can be the straw.....
We send emojis. If I get a ❤or a ? or a ? I know he's in a decent mood and his symptoms are low. If I get a "what's up" I know he's stressed and having a crap day. It took me a while to come up with that. ?

I don't know if this was anything you want or need to hear but I just wanted to toss out some ideas to you. As we say around here, take what works and leave the rest.

And no, J does not want to hear how ptsd and his actions "negatively affect" me when he's symptomatic!! That is a very tough subject. They already have self doubt and think awful things about themselves. Those conversations are for when we're in a good place.

 

[Freida]

Did your supporters ever tell you that they were worried about you and that it was negatively affecting them when you went dark?

before I came to this forum? I honestly don't know. I would assume they had? I mean hell, I got on a train one day, got off halfway across the country and didn't come back for a year so I guess looking back they might have been worried :laugh:

But that's part of isolation. I just don't have the capacity to listen.... welllok, don't want to even if I did. I really really have to stress -- learning from the supporters here knocked me on my ass. I was clueless.

And no, J does not want to hear how ptsd and his actions "negatively affect" me when he's symptomatic!! That is a very tough subject. They already have self doubt and think awful things about themselves.

Once I became aware of what I was doing to them when I took off or even just isolated at home this became true. I knew I was making life hard - so then I felt bad. Which completely overwhelmed me because I thought taking off to protect them was the right thing to do. I CANNOT, even now, deal with their feelings when I'm in that place. nope nope nope. If I'm making them miserable they just need to find a way to deal until it's over.

 

[Friday]

mean hell, I got on a train one day, got off halfway across the country and didn't come back for a year

:hilarious: Soooooo been there.

It’s not exactly coincidental that the last loft I rented was in walking distance to a train station, watercourse (major shipping lane, port not far downriver), freeway interchange, trolly/light rail/subway hub, & private airstrip (and only 20 minutes by rail to the international air port, but chartered flights out hourly from the private strip. And no freaking security to f*ck around with.). If I’m choosing where I live in a city? It’s near the exits.

:bag: Nor is it accidental that I gave my passport to my mother for safekeeping, back when I was trying to do the “normal life” thing. It would be faster/easier to get a brandspanking new one than claw mine out of that woman’s clutches! (Great lady. She simply could give the Spanish Inquisition a run for their money. Every time I DID leave town? If I wanted her to babysit, I had to get a new will made. :banghead: It’s just for the weekend! An hour away! And you already have a STACK of my “old” wills. Fine. I don’t know why I even bother arguing. Will. Medical power of attorney. Temporary guardianship papers. FFS*. ) Giving her my passport didn’t prevent me leaving the country, it just made it more difficult / far more likely to confine my escapades to the continental US. Usually. Most of the time.

* I’ve never taken off and left my kid in limbo, by the by. That’s just her. Doing her thing. Navy wife for over 30 years, Marine Corps Mama, Army & Air Force Auntie... she never really expects any of us to come back. From anywhere. Ever.

 

[Freida]

@Friday I love your mom!!!! :laugh:

 

[scout86]

Did your supporters ever tell you that they were worried about you and that it was negatively affecting them when you went dark?

This isn't really an answer to your question, but pertains.

I'm usually not that involved with anyone, so no one complains if I drop off their radar. But my assumption, if I think about it, is that I'm doing them a favor. It's a little hard to imagine anyone would actually want me around. I appreciate the people who are willing to put up with me. I can't imagine anyone thinking of my absence as a negative thing.

Which is to say that there's a lot of individual variation in this stuff. The only way to know what's going on in his head is to ask, and be clear that you want a real answer, whatever is. (I mean a conversation, not an interrogation) As others have already said, do this some day safe and stable.

 

[apear1818]

it is not enough that he loves you, if he can’t act on it.

I'm starting to accept this and maybe starting to let go a bit. I hate to admit it but I don't think I can be there for him if he doesn't give me any type of contact what so ever... It's hurting me too much. I would have loved to be able to have the chance to have the "boundary" conversation with him, but I never got the chance and I'm not sure if I ever will since I haven't heard anything at all from him in two weeks. I'm not sure if this is his way of breaking up with me (if so, this freaking sucks), or he think I'll just go away eventually, or maybe he really just can't bring himself to talk to me... I don't know.

Pick yourself right up, shake the sadness off.

This is my next step. Right now I'm trying to convince myself that it's over and that I'll have to be the one to say that we are done, even though that's not what I want at all.

I got your back

Thank you <3 I truly appreciate everyone on this forum and all of the support and insight that is given... It's helped me immensely.

 

[apear1818]

Probably means he's missing you but can't find the ability to talk to you just yet.

I wish I could understand this more.. It's driving me a little crazy honestly. All I want is for him to reach out to me in any way and say anything at all. Also, as of last night he has now unfriended me on Facebook, but continues to watch my snapchat stories.