General What are they thinking?

[anon1234]

My ts have both agreed that going into 911 was the worst possible job choice I could have made :laugh: High stress? check People die if you don't pay attention? check. Reward dissociation so you don't get sucked into the emergency? check.
Yep -- so much high stress stuff that it pushed all my silly ass past issues into the background so I never had to deal with it.

Wow, thank you. That makes a lot of sense thinking about it. Didn't even consider "reward dissociation"

 

[Orchid1818]

for the love of god!

Ok -- if you know I''m going to be pissy for the 24 hours after EMDR then why in the hell are you trying to communicate with me?!!!!! It's not like this hasn't been going on for the last two years!

Boundaries need to work BOTH ways.

I go out of my way to make sure that everyone understands how hard it is. That yes, I'm suicidal. That no, I'm not going to talk about it because I have a countdown clock and I know it will pass. That the best thing to do is to leave me alone.

that means LEAVE ME ALONE!
Don't talk to me.
Don't try to make plans with me
Don't get all butt hurt because I snap at you
Don't bug me about how I'm feeling.
Don't ask me if I want to do anything, eat anything, need anything.
Don't breathe in my direction.

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!

And people wonder why I take off

I've been using EMDR, some sessions are great, some open up a bag of pain and grief that I feel drained from for weeks at a time. And I know my traumas aren't the most severe stories ever. But it's still draining. And asking how one is feeling is not a simple answer, you could be confused, angry, sad, glad you are working thru things, etc all in one sitting. It's a range of emotions. I generally just want to sleep a lot after the hard sessions.

 

[scout86]

And asking how one is feeling is not a simple answer,

And yet, I think a lot of people expect a simple answer. Meanwhile, I'm trying to decide how I'm actually feeling, and I suspect people are confused about why I'm thinking, or not giving an immediate response.

 

[Tinyflame]

The truth might be 'Idk'. ?

 

[Freida]

The truth might be 'Idk'. ?

For me the first answer is -- leave me alone.
I'm pretty up front about that with my supporters so the worst thing they can do is to try to get me to talk about how I'm feeling until I'm ready. That just annoys the crap out of me :laugh:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

For me the first answer is -- leave me alone.
I'm pretty up front about that with my supporters so the worst thing they can do is to try to get me to talk about how I'm feeling until I'm ready. That just annoys the crap out of me :laugh:

Me too! And when I am ready I can talk about some heavy stuff (depending on how much I trust you) but until then f*ck off and you push you will get the entirety of hell dropped on you from me!

 

[scout86]

And, just to show that we're all different, if no one directly asks me, I'm not likely to say anything. Ever. I'm going to assume that it's my problem, to deal with by myself, and that imposing on someone else's time by talking about it is way out line, would asking too much.

 

[joeylittle]

"What's on your mind" ("what're you thinking about", etc.) can be a more effective prompt/question, than "how are you feeling?" It's a sneaky little CBT trick, but it often works - it's often easier for people to say what's on their mind - their thoughts - rather than pin down their feelings. Since thoughts and feelings are interconnected (that's the CBT part: one leads to the other, in either direction) - you're encouraging the individual to practice separating them.

(Also: "how are you feeling" can be a dead-end question, when someone is feeling badly.)

For the more explosive sufferers - giving them options: "what would be good right now - distraction, sharing, or quiet?" It lets you offer help without you (inadvertently) requiring that they take it.

 

[Freida]

For the more explosive sufferers - giving them options: "what would be good right now - distraction, sharing, or quiet?" It lets you offer help without you (inadvertently) requiring that they take it.

Yep!!!

 

[New]

"What's on your mind" ("what're you thinking about", etc.) can be a more effective prompt/question, than "how are you feeling?" It's a sneaky little CBT trick, but it often works - it's often easier for people to say what's on their mind - their thoughts - rather than pin down their feelings. Since thoughts and feelings are interconnected (that's the CBT part: one leads to the other, in either direction) - you're encouraging the individual to practice separating them.

(Also: "how are you feeling" can be a dead-end question, when someone is feeling badly.)

For the more explosive sufferers - giving them options: "what would be good right now - distraction, sharing, or quiet?" It lets you offer help without you (inadvertently) requiring that they take it.

This is great! I’m copying for my supporter husband.

I’m a sufferer and when I’m not feeling well and someone asks me how I feel my internal dialogue is terrible.

I can’t stand to be lied to so I try to be very honest with everyone. So when I’m not feeling well I avoid everyone so I don’t have to lie and say I’m fine to avoid answering all their questions.

By doing so I’ve always thought it was better than to lie and stay isolated for an extended period feeling even worse. Hopefully that makes sense.

 

[Freida]

Here's the thing I'm thinking today. Warning -I'm sleep deprived and cranky... :laugh:

These are MY demons, MY past, MY crap. The idea that my supporters want to get into that part of my mind is astonishing to say the least. So I think about talking about what is really bothering me (once in a blue moon) but then I have to go thru the shitshow in my head and really think about what I'm about to say so I don't totally undo them. I have to do the same thing when people ask me about 911 calls. People routinely ask "whats the worst call you've ever taken?" Believe me - you don't want to know.

So I've got all this shit banging around in my head. MY head. I don't want to put those pictures in anyone else's. Because it never fails. I bring out something big and ..... silence.
I get it - people need to process what I say. But that requires me to back peddle because normal people don't have these things in their heads. And because my supporters are decent human beings, connecting me - the person they know - with the story I'm telling is really hard.

Example -- -talking to bestie. She's pretty tough so I'm not as afraid to talk about things with her as I am with others. I was having a really hard day and I blurted out "he made me watch him kill her." Because that was what I was struggling with that particular day.

Crickets.

Then she jumped in on how I shouldn't blame myself for what he did to someone else and was off on a lecture. Which I get --- she knows me well enough to know that's where I'm eventually gonna end up. But that day? I just needed to get it out of my head. I needed someone to LISTEN to the story I had to tell. I needed to figure out how to deal with that particular memory at that particular moment.

Now I have a new problem. Not only am I struggling with my own demons but I feel horrible for upsetting her with shit I knew was going to be to much for her to hear.

I love bestie and know that she always has my back and will love me no matter what I've done. I get that she was upset to hear that I had gone thru this experience. But I also know now that I can't have these conversations with her. And yes - I based that on my first attempt. It will be my only one. Because I can't hold both her reactions and my memory in my mind at the same time. And yes, I know she is hurting for me and that's not fair to her -- but.... there ya go

I guess my question for supporters is -- do you really want the truth? Or do you want a "clean" version of the truth? When you say to your sufferer "you can talk to me about anything" how will you come to terms with what they have done when it turns out to be something vile or hateful or disgusting or shameful or what not? How differently will you look at them once you know what they are capable of?

Have you REALLY asked yourself that question?
Because it takes only seconds for that door to slam shut.

I isolate so that I never have to put my supporters in that position
I isolate to protect them from the parts of me they don't want to know even exist.
I isolate to keep them from ever having to know the things I was willing to do to simply to survive.

 

[LuckiLee]

We're getting ready for bed but I wanted to just let you know I hear you.

How bout asking them these questions? Or read bestie that whole post. It explains everything perfectly. If you have that conversation with her you both can set your own boundaries.

❤ & ?to you!!
XO