What Are Ways That You Do Not Take Things Personally? Need Tips.

[JustBe]

The worst for me was when someone would be hurtful towards my kids. It still hurts to remember.

 

[Lady Vet]

Ladyvet, the shantra journal sounds really interesting, but I'm unsure how you use it. Do you write on it? or just carry it with you as a visual representation?

Meadowsweet: I think these are great questions...and since I posted as a "tip" that I use, it seems relevant to explain. And, no, it's not just a visual representation, but an actual process tool that I created for myself when I was interviewing clients to clarify what belonged to them (their words, their actions) and what belonged to me (my internal thoughts and feelings in response to their words and actions).

What I found (for me) is that I could actually listen better to people when I drew clear boundaries between their stuff and my stuff.

External to me (left hand column) is what someone else says...and the right hand column is then my internal response/reaction. First of all, once I write down what my response/reaction is, I have acknowledged my thoughts and feelings. I have also created a way to hold myself accountable for what I think and feel in response to other people (because it's now sort of "outside" of me...I can see it, not just invisibly think it or feel it). Once I can SEE my emotional response/reaction on paper, it often changes my perspective immediately...sometimes it takes deeper reflection after the conversation, but the Shantra Journal then provides me with a tangible "document" of my own responses so that I CAN look at it later :)

I hope that helps :) Thanks for asking :)

 

[Britt.f7]

The worst for me was when someone would be hurtful towards my kids. It still hurts to remember.

Yes this is the hardest one. I try not to talk about people around my kids, however, if someone(adult) has hurt them(not physically), they will hear me talk about that person. They hear me defending them or being angry at that other person even if the person is not in front of us. I want them to know that I have their back. Never really had that myself. I have talked to the adult in front of them too, not if I thought it would embarrass my child though.

If it is a child that hurts my child, we try to discuss it. I try to help them understand and work through it. I really should take some of the advice I give to them and apply it to myself! My oldest tends to take things personally, like I do, even if nothing is said directly to him. I've tried to help him understand it and work with it, instead of doing or saying what my parent's did, such as "toughen up!".

 

[Lady Vet]

btw....the Shantra Journal is a really great tool for phone conversations....lol...because they can't even see that you're sorting out the different pieces of baggage and putting it into the right rooms! lol...

 

[Lady Vet]

Gizmo....I think this is a really great thread! :tup:

...because it's something that many of us do (personalize what actually belongs to someone else). I find it takes shape many different ways. Often it manifests (for me) with the phrase, "What did I do wrong?" As if another person is doing or saying something because of something that I've done! I really dislike this one, but it's a very common reaction for me. The hardest form of the personalization process for me to undo :)

 

[Lady Vet]

I'm no help here, I just withdraw and isolate...not helpful or healthy.

I have no advice, but I will lurk on this thread hoping to gain some!

I bet the both of you have a lot of great experience and wisdom to contribute :) And, yes, Gizmo IS courageous for asking this question. But the both of you are also courageous for posting how YOU feel, too! (Just sayin' :)

And I'm sure there's a place for withdrawing, isolating, and even lurking in the nasty business of personalizing! Because we ALL have something to contribute....even when we feel like we don't. And very often, it is precisely when we feel the most like we have nothing to contribute that we do!

Blessings :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Wow, Thank you for all the eloquent responses.

First off Britt thank you for what you said. I do not know peoples intentions. I try to avoid assuming because I am usually wrong when I have done that in the past. I do tend to blame myself first as if I did something wrong. But I have to keep thinking about it and I was not to blame. I really hurt because it was on me only that it happened to. Others expressed similar opinions and were not attacked. I expected better of this person. The other person who attacked me was in a bad way, so I cut that person some slack, but at the persons request I leave the person alone.

I understand that not everyone will like me. I do not like everyone. So I chalk it up to human nature. As for the people who do not like me well I do not need them in my life anyway.

I talked with my daughter today and she seemed to think that it is human nature to take things personally when our feelings get hurt so I guess I will drop that as a personal goal. I will reframe it to I would like to not take things so intensely personal. I will use the piece of paper and do the external and the internal. I already have done that with an incident that has been bothering me. So thank you Lady Vet for sharing your journaling exercise with me. It really helped alot.

Abstract I have read alot on co dependence. But I never saw how I was made the caretaker for my parents and my siblings. I can see how I would take things as if they are my fault. I will have to guard against this defect in me. I always tend to blame myself first. This is black and white thinking and not realistic at all. So thank you for pointing that out. When rage and anger is directed towards me I also feel quite small. I freeze up terrified.

Love never fails thank you so much for what you said. It makes some good guidelines. I can cut people some slack if I know they have other things going on in their life. It makes sense to me. I tend to disagree with their attack but I understand they are having a really hard time with alot. I tend to stay away from them after an attack and I think it is ok to do that. I know not everyone is going to like me. But it is hard when we had the mantle of friendship between us. It is just the true colors coming out. A true friend would not attack and not apologize. I do not need this kind of person in my life.

Thanks Dallas for the informative tips. It does help to understand that there may be something going on in their lives. It helps alot. But once I have been attacked, I expect a sincere apology. If there is none, then there is no need to have that person in my life.

Meadowsweet there are not stupid questions. I thought your questions were really good. I am also curious and want to learn what works in this area.

Britt, I was the caretaker of the family. My childhood desire was for everyone to get along. So I carry this now fantasy in my adult life. It throws me for a loop when a so called friend rages on me and then cuts me off rejecting me. The only thing I can do is silently walk away.

However I will use your tips with your sister with mine on the phone. That is a great idea.

Movin On it hurt me so much when my kids got hurt. I would defend them and get angry at their behalf. I would comfort them. It still hurts when someone hurts my daughter or my granddaughter. I found out today that my daughter wants a divorce from her husband because he is being emotionally and verbally abusive. It just makes me sick and I wish he would not do that to them. I feel so bad for my daughter because she is really stuck right now. I told her if she needed to get away that she could come and stay over here.

I want to thank everyone for their words of wisdom. You have all been very helpful for me.

 

[Britt.f7]

Others expressed similar opinions and were not attacked.

I had that happen to me with an old boss. I think she really wanted me to quit, so she shunned me among other things. Like there were two of us who entered a writing contest, she only talked about the other person and didn't even mention me. It bugged me in the beginning and I definitely took it personally. But I think I had a legit reason to. Now it just angers me to even think of it. Just no closure because I never said anything.

As for the people who do not like me well I do not need them in my life anyway.

No you don't!!! Pooey to those people. They're probably people who wouldn't be any good for you to know anyhow!

And, thank you, like always. :):hug:

 

[Lady Vet]

Gizmo...I can tell that you are a very kind and considerate person...even with how you have responded to everyone's posting in your thread...addressing each of us personally and thanking for what you found helpful. It warms my heart to find such kind and gracious people willing to be courageous (and vulnerable) in such a unique forum. You are a blessing, Gizmo :)

 

[Abstract]

Dear Gizmo,:hug:

The other thing I always did was discount all my feelings as me overreacting or being too sensitive or just getting it totally wrong. So I would totally ignore all those feelings and act as if they had not happened. That really got me into so much trouble and so many unfortunate situations. Attempting to both listen to myself and detect when I was maybe getting things wrong was a totally different issue. So complicated and I still struggle as my tendency is to disregard my feelings.

What I am getting at is that maybe you are just reacting like a normal sensitive person to someone else being horrid. And that that means you deserve to put some boundaries in place and let them know that it isn't OK.

People detected my vulnerability and lack of boundaries and still do sometimes and take advantage of it. That may not be relevant for you but it is and has been for me.

You deserve to be treated with respect dear Gizmo. Bad behaviour is bad behaviour no matter the reason behind it. I am sorry you were on the receiving end of this. :inlove:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Britt, I am sorry your boss did that to you. I hate the ways people can treat others so badly. I think you are on to something though. A hidden agenda. Everyone has an agenda, some are good and others border on evil I think.
Yes having to walk away without a word, is something I had to do, because I have learned that when a person does not see or hear the real me there is no point in trying to resolve anything with them because it will turn into a circular arguement going nowhere. Just a going back and forth over things that do not belong in the conversation in my opinion.

Thank you for your kind words Lady Vet. They made my day. I really appreciate you saying those things when you did not have to.

As always thank you Abstract. I used to disregard my feelings too, but I cannot do that anymore. I feel my feelings too. In this case, I was so stunned and shocked into silence. She just kept going on and on. She was expressing repressed feelings that she had to keep inside. Long story. Anyway it was so divisive that I felt there was a break between us that was permanent. She could not agree to disagree. It seemed she was on a soapbox ranting and raving. Something in her just snapped.

It really hurt my feelings that a friend would treat me this way and I realized we were not friends just acquaintences. So I take responsibility for trusting when I should not have.

I should have trusted my initial gut feelings, because I originally did not like her. But I grew to respect her and like and admire her and even told her she was like a mentor to me. So it is a simple case of I liked her better than she liked me. And I can accept this.

I have heard that all of life is a practice and it is a learn as we go. I learned alot this time.

I was hurt and I went and asked for help. I am trying to sort through this experience and find resolution on my own. My boundry is complete disconnection. I do deserve to be respected by my friends. I was mistaken in thinking that she was my friend when she all she was , was an acquaintence. I get to really care about my friends. But it is a good reality check to trust my first instincts.

 

[Lady Vet]

Thank you for your kind words Lady Vet. They made my day. I really appreciate you saying those things when you did not have to.

You are most welcome :)

I have heard that all of life is a practice and it is a learn as we go. I learned alot this time.

I have not ever heard this before, but I love it :)