What Are Ways That You Do Not Take Things Personally? Need Tips.

[Hashi]

Ahhh, this is a big thing for me. I'm working a lot at the moment on not taking things personally. I had a bad time with this a few days ago and afterwards worked out this strategy that I'm trying to follow:

- What are the facts? (Thinking Dragnet - "Strictly the facts, Ma'am")
- What are my feelings?
- I try to accept the way things are, what happened, how I feel
- I think about the best thing I can do for myself, given the facts and how I feel. Should I follow up in some way? Draw a line under it? Journal? Distract myself? etc
- Do the thing I decided was the best thing to do.

Often, it helps me to literally draw a line under something - either draw it or write about it, then write something like "That's done with now" and put a big line underneath.

I also have a "Foolish Things That I Have Done" file. I got this from Dale Carnegie's book "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living". At first I had an actual cardboard folder and wrote things on paper then put them inside. Now, I just do it in my head. When I've thought about the facts and I'm wishing I'd handled a situation differently, or had reacted in a different way, I summarise it then put it away in the Foolish Things That I Have Done file. It's noted, and I can get on with other things now.

 

[Lady Vet]

- What are the facts? (Thinking Dragnet - "Strictly the facts, Ma'am") - What are my feelings?

I love what you posted, Hashi....and something that I've learned along the way is that Feelings ARE Facts. It took me a long time to understand this, and while they may be a different kind of fact, they are facts nonetheless. And (for me), understanding this overrides my tendency to discount my Feelings. I don't give my Feelings any more weight than other Facts, but they are absolutely considered as equals among the cards being sorted on the table :)

Again....I really love what you had to say...Blessings :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thanks Hashi for your take on this. I think sticking to the facts is really helpful. Finding out what I really feel would be helpful too. I am going to journal on this and find a way to have peace of mind and closure. I really appreciate what you shared. I have done alot of foolish things too, but I am afraid if I kept track of mine I would beat myself up.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I want to let it go and move on with my life. I am weary of being distressed. I did alot of journaling today and I think I have been having emotional flashbacks to when my dad would attack me and beat me. I was frozen in terror and horror. That is what happens to me when I when I get attacked now. Luckily for me it does not happen very much.

But I want to let go and move on. I will recover. I had to seperate the past stuff from the present stuff. The present stuff is manageable and the past stuff is not. I never told my dad how I felt about him beating me. I never told him anything. I just disconnected and walked away. My brother got a letter from him saying if he had it to do over he would do the same or worse. I am getting a clear picture of how my dad really was. He makes me feel sick. I am glad he is dead and cannot hurt anyone ever again. I hope he enjoys his time in hell.

 

[Lady Vet]

(((Gizmo)))...there are no words to make you feel better...yet as soon as I wrote that I realized that the only words that can make you feel better are the words you speak to tell your truth. Keep sharing...you may not have been able to tell your dad how you feel, but you can sure tell us :)

 

[Tanishq]

Hi Gizmo,

This is great thread. I am also someone who tends to take things very personally and then mess up things for myself.

I have experienced lot of things where people intentionally said things which would be personal for me and sometimes they did so to kick me out from them.

I will joining in this thread with one affirmation: Together we heal each other and we will overcome/learn a lot during this journey.

I am relieved I am not alone. I can related to every poster in this thread.

Group Hug :hug:

 

[Shellbell]

I think when you are someone who has had bad parents, a toxic childhood and multiple trauma - it is 'normal' to be a sensitive person. I think it's actually a protection method, but it's over-sensitive. People hurting us has happened all too often, so our brains are very aware of negativity from people and can sense that as a potential for hurt. I think it's almost part of the hyper-vigilance - which encompasses far more than just not liking people behind us and needing to know where exits are.

I think it's good to have insight into being aware that being sensitive sometimes causes us to react in a way that isn't needed, like getting upset, hurt or angry, reacting back emotionally, or withdrawing from that person etc. Taking time to stand back from the situation and consider it as an outsider and thinking how would they react is a good way to handle some negative situations. I try to imagine how my husband - who is very unemotional - would handle something. I can't always do it, but I try.

Where I fail the most is not about me, but when it's about my children.

 

[Lady Vet]

I think it's almost part of the hyper-vigilance - which encompasses far more than just not liking people behind us and needing to know where exits are.

I think you're right, Shellbell...I have never thought about it that way, but it is a morphing of hyper-vigilance. hmmm...lots to think about...hyper-vigilance of what, though?

Potential loss of a relationship can feel like a threat, too...I wonder if I personalize more in relationships that hold a higher value of safety and stability, so the threat feels greater? hmmmm...will need to think more on this :) Great insight, though....thanks!

 

[Shellbell]

I think the hyper-vigilance part is just the need to not get hurt and protection of that. Being overly aware of and then sensing someone's anger or annoyance at us - even when undeserved - triggers the brain into thinking we could get hurt, so we react in a sometimes highly sensitive manner. It's not always a choice. I think we are always 'on guard' at anything which could cause us hurt, danger etc.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have been doing alot of journaling. I have been doing the exercises suggested in this thread. I figured out that I have been having emotional flashbacks about my dad attacking me and beating me. When I get verbally attacked, rarely I will admit, I flash back to being frozen in horror and terror with my dad. The large portion of feeling belongs to the past. I think that is why I take things so personally.

It was very hard to be a child and to get attacked and beaten on a regular basis. It was the source of my anger. Now both of my parents are dead and I am very angry at my dad. I never got to tell him how I felt about what he did to me. This explains to me why I freeze in shocked and stunned silence. I refused to give my dad the satisfaction that he was hurting me. I did not cry or cry out in pain. He just kept beating on me. He always started with me.

I am letting go of the verbal attack. I actually feel peaceful about that. I have gotten such wonderful support. I can put it in perspective now. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I had heard that she had a hard time keeping her opinions to herself during voting and I guess my opinion was the straw that broke the camels back. It had nothing to do with me.

But I have a boundry that I do not allow people to attack me verbally anymore. There is nothing to resolve. I have no interest in her anymore. I feel so much better to get it all sorted out.

I do have alot of anger towards my dad though. He was such a creep. He was gross. He was a bully with little helpless kids. He did not take his anger out on other adults. I have pure hatred for him. I take what he did to me very personally.

Thank you for all of your help and insights. The present is drained of the past and I feel one hundred percent better. I have let go and am now free to move on.

 

[Shellbell]

((((Gizmo))))).

I know how you feel about never getting to tell your father what you think of him. I've only just recently worked out some terrible things about my father (and mother) and how much abuse there was in him letting me be abused by his 'friends'. I wish he were alive in one way so I could tell him what a disgusting excuse of a man he was. I'll never have that chance.

Your father was scum and disgusting beating you. I'm so glad you are the opposite of your parents. You are such a caring, honest and beautiful person. I am sensitive too and we are learning new boundaries and ways to deal with getting hurt, but you know we are honest enough to say we need help with that. Some people are not so honest.

:hug:

 

[Abstract]

I figured out that I have been having emotional flashbacks about my dad attacking me and beating me. When I get verbally attacked, rarely I will admit, I flash back to being frozen in horror and terror with my dad. The large portion of feeling belongs to the past. I think that is why I take things so personally.

.

Dearest Gizmo,
I totally agree with Shellbell. You are a lovely kind person and that a s credit to you when you were so awfully treated. I am so sorry your father was so cruel to you. And that he added to that by excusing his behaviour and having no remorse. I somehow think people like this don't change.

I very much understand what you said above. It is only recently that I have realised that sometimes when someone rages at me (especially unexpectedly) that I become that child again. The feelings are from the past. I feel in dire danger and it can take me a long time to recover after. I literally go into shock. Sometimes the person changes into my father or their face is his face. I always judged myself very harshly for being so "pathetic" but really am realising it is a combination of many things. Like Shellbell said I am hypervigelent and look for attack and understandably as it was there usually. I also am sensitive. I am very empathic and pick up others emotions easily and therefore rage is difficult for me. But sometimes it is more than that it feels like a very real and present threat to me and I do think it is an emotional flashback. I do get more senses coming in at times too. It's these that really leave me reeling.

I am glad you are finding more clarity. I hope you find some peace soon.