Disheartened, not understood, uncared about, avoided, hollow, in the way. And they either scream it from the roooftops or don't have the wherewithall to say it.
Ulcer and chest is killing me.
Just like Christmas simple hope and efforts put in to salvage Easter all in vain, feel way worse than if I hadn't tried at all. Really, really really sorry I let myself have hope, let alone not thinking and planning how to execute a back-up alternative plan for my self. Disappointed in myself as I was relying on it to cope under the present circumstances, not cause pain.
Hopeless I guess. Hopeless, sad, exhausted but it's too painful to sleep. Dread. Alone. Yep, not hope-less but hope-extinct.
I feel like I am an anoyance and a burden and an obstacle to others' intentions/ goals. As always.
Gross. Like the people who feel like they need to get in to a tub of bleach.
Thankful I don't have to echo "Happy Easter! " to 100+ people like yesterday. That's a blessing because I couldn't have withstood it after last night/ this morning.
Maybe if I get some sleep I'll feel differently (likely). And my fault I had hope/ expectation. I understand people don't get it when you're in need and they're just having their day. Which is a good thing they don't. And by tomorrow I probably won't remember any of it. Too crappy thoughts when I feel too crappy to move. As AA and AL Anon say, never have expectation as it just leads to disappointment. And disappointment leads to resentment. But I think the latter is more for people who expect it with more assurance to begin with. Or maybe have more self worth? Who knows.
I just thought, it might help me to just throw Easter, or family/ care, expectation or whatever symbolically in to a garbage can. Just rid myself of everything negative. I should have just got up and left. I did not fare as well as I hoped. So I learned some things I can tune out, some need work. Or Industrial earplugs or earbuds.
I think I will do that. Today I decide I will swallow the negative crap and keep my mouth shut, no more. It's high time. So that will be my Easter. I feel that is realistic.