Well today's plans have already gone out the window after last night. Have the darn soaking night sweats back again for a week too. Was able to say a few prayers in bed overnight though, so there is that. Thought to say what I was told long ago, "Trust; Hope; Do not be afraid; I will not abandon you".
I feel about others as they feel about me. Which I think is- fair and equitable. I no longer fear what it means to return the sentiment in kind, even if it's never spoken. I have earned it, and so have they.
I feel ashamed I trusted. And foolish and sad. Used and deceived intentionally. And very very hurt because I did not, and I expected or risked I could trust. Ashamed of being vulnerable, and nothing but negative regret.
But, I also thought, it really doesn't matter, I should understand that after my FOO and many years. So, blah blah blah, wah wah wah. This time I give up, just as I didn't give up on my FOO, but should have. I will never again speak of it, because why. I learned like they say pain is a megaphone. So I guess I feel- informed? And wary and disheartened. And done. I always feared I'd be the source of pain, funny. Oh well, that's good I guess. And tbh, I probably was just a pain in the as* or a thorn in the side. And pretty incable of healing or progress, I guess. Healing-resistant lol.
ETA, except for one thing to add: when people lie to you, is it also because you have made it the only option they can stomach, too? And so for that, I am also responsible.
What I feel is I wish I were anywhere but here, now, and me.
Sad because my old neighbour and friend died, just saw in paper. Wished I had spent time with him the last time I saw him. I talked to his wife, heard him say after, "But is she happy??!!" Sweet sweet man. Helped me sandbag when we were overland flooded, then we laughed because he took a picture and threatened to send it to my boyfriend, who he knew. Just thought of him yesterday, because his wife wanted to go out for dinner and he said, "I'm too tired to lift a fork!" I say that ever since then when am so tired. He was a kind good man. And tough, but one day all his holy cards fell out in church lol. A real softie. Said too once, when he found out he had had many small heart attacks, "Guess those were the days I didn't feel so good!" I think of that one too. Hope he gets a Big Reward for what he did to help us. What a sweetheart, we had many laughs.