What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?

[Philippa]

Yeah, it's crazy how much we go through just to "earn" some acceptance and approval from people who aren't even worth it!

 

[Philippa]

For some reason I didn't see this post until now? So I thought I'd respond.

My mother poisoned my sisters and brothers against me. I was the problem for naming the sexual abuse and must be punished. I was one that brought shame on the family for talking out. Those siblings that were 13, 10, 10, 8, 7 were murdered by my mother. Those people stopped existing a long, long time ago.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I never experienced childhood sexual assault, so I can't really imagine how hard that must have been for you to go through and then be faced with that sort of behavior form these people who are supposed to be there for you. Such incredible degrees of abandonment...it's just unbelievable. I think if I had been through the same thing I would probably not be able to even come as close as I have to leaving them. I understand a bit better your situation.

I have, so far, never met siblings that have managed to work through this one. All I know it isn't going to happen with my siblings. And I still emotionally have problems accepting that as well. Even after everything they have done to me means that is really a position of deluded magical thinking.

How are we even supposed to accept it? It's unacceptable that we should even be in this position in the first place. It's just so depressing and we don't have the luxury of denying it all like they do. That's what I resent the most...how easily they go into denial and just pretend it isn't happening...when they KNOW deep down exactly what is going on, on some level, and just choose to ignore it. That is the hardest thing to come to terms with, for me anyway. How can they be anything but despicable?

When your parents have socialised you all to be in certain roles from when you are very young. It is like escaping from some type of cult. I would guess that your brothers probably won't ever see the dynamic. Which of course does the one in the scapegoat's position head in. It is so unfair.

Such cruelness - I don't know how we deal with this.

ms spock

Yeah, as aware as my brother is, and he has admitted to being abusive before when I have said it to him...but still does it, it seems to get more vicious every time I see him too? He knows he does it, but he thinks that because I'm gentle, that in some twisted way he is "helping' me by toughening me up...at least that is what I think, I could be wrong about that?

He's also too busy escaping from his issues with drugs and that has something to do with his abusive behavior as well. It makes it even harder, because I've known since I was a teenager that dad did something to him...though I can't prove it...and he knows something happened to him as well, but won't deal with it. I used to want to help him, but now, he's burnt me so many times and been so awful to me that I just want to stay away from him...forever if need be.

 

[Srain]

I read all of this and the one thing that rings true for me is the fight between the child and the adult. You know you are NOT her mother, that you are so right about, and yet she treats you as though (and you respond as though) you are. When were YOU the child?

If you can't say anything honest to your mother then why would you want to be friends with her? Your mother is NOT your friend. Friends or loving, caring mothers don't abandon you when you are sick and need some help, it's beyond their comprehension, it's beyond yours, right?? You would never do that, would you? Not call at least to see if they were okay, needed anything, send a card, send something, go by if you could. If you were in the same house fix them something to eat, read a book, something??

It's not "just nutty" it's part of the abuse cycle you are in. People do know what you are up against but it's hard not to want to protect her as well because she's your mother, I had always hope that one day my mom would give me the love I desired and she has from time to time but I ask so very little from her. I was in total rare peace yesterday because I let it go. Not angry not blaming just let go. I've spent a life time chasing, doing, taking the ruthlessness, wanting her to love me. So much of everything you expressed. Missing her when she was finally absent after the quiet sense of relief settled in. But then seeing her again it all began again and so did all my self-hatred.

All that you think you know about her is really true. You don't deserve this kind of abuse, never did, never will.

 

[Philippa]

I hear you Srain.

What makes it so hard is that she used to not be that way. She was always there for me. She was the one I could go to when I was hurt and she would comfort me, or take me to the doctors or help me, feed me etc.

Something happened when her mother died...she just changed, and she got into gambling, stole my money that I saved for travelling overseas (which I still haven't done because I've been pulling myself out of deep depression and ptsd since I was 21), and never apologized...just became a total f*cking bitch who didn't seem to care about any of us...and I'm not saying I was the easiest child, because I was a little bitch when I was younger too, so I know I wasn't the greatest daughter...but I grew and realized I needed to appreciate her more.

She just went the other way and became really self-centred. It's like she became the narcisisst, when it was dad for most of my life who was like this?? It's bizarre, and it's gotten worse since she left my father...she never calls, she thought I was faking clinical depression and never once tried to understand, didn't want to know...acted like I was making her life unpleasant for being so sad, and would roll her eyes at me and say "can you at least TRY and smile" or "I'm sick of you being so sad"...like I could help it. She thought I was just trying to 'get attention' when I wanted to kill myself...but I didn't, I really wanted to not be here anymore.

If she had always been this way it might have been easier to emotionally detach from her, but she wasn't. She used to be a really good, caring loving mother, and I don't know what happened? All I know is that I went to counsellors and dealt with my issues...and she refuses to admit there is even a problem. She's been in denial for years and no one can make her see someone, and she really needs to...they both do, her and dad.

I've had a lot of compassion for both of them, but there is only so much compassion a person can have before they say, "well, now I just can't be around you anymore, because it's damaging for me."

 

[Philippa]

I feel really hollow and tight in my solar plexus region. Hurt and sad.

I felt relieved earlier to receive the posts above from srain and ms spock, and to be here on the forum.

Now I'm hungry, so I guess that means I'm not depressed...which is a good thing.

 

[Hekate]

A bit panicky as i am scared of paperwork and have to finish my report and paperwork today. Otherwise proud. Have four wonderful animals (dogs and cats) and a difficult but growth enhancing relationship...and a new vegetable patch...Ah...and i feel this breath reliefs me despite all my occassional grief, my panic, my anger and isolation...

 

[ms spock]

How are we even supposed to accept it? It's unacceptable that we should even be in this position in the first place. It's just so depressing and we don't have the luxury of denying it all like they do. That's what I resent the most...how easily they go into denial and just pretend it isn't happening...when they KNOW deep down exactly what is going on, on some level, and just choose to ignore it. That is the hardest thing to come to terms with, for me anyway. How can they be anything but despicable?

It is hard.

 

[ms spock]

Yeah, as aware as my brother is, and he has admitted to being abusive before when I have said it to him...but still does it, it seems to get more vicious every time I see him too? He knows he does it, but he thinks that because I'm gentle, that in some twisted way he is "helping' me by toughening me up...at least that is what I think, I could be wrong about that?

The escalation is a worry. I feel concerned for you.

 

[The Albatross]

I feel light blue and am a touch sad today but that can turn on a dime and get better.
I feel irritated eyes ... no mascara or eyelinger, this time it was either the eye shadow or foundation... UGH.
I feel disappointed in myself that I couldnt commit to a new client when my boss called last night and tried to quit again. Nope, he said, they'll wait.
I feel frustrated and a bit stupid that I drank a cup of decalf before I remembered I still have to redo that durned blood test.

I think that I can make some little changes and do something loving that will improve my mood.
I think that I can remember that these feelings aren't permanent, they are here for a time and will change into something else.
I think that I am reassembling from grief and that takes time and it's okay at the moment.
I think that I will look for blessings large and small today.

 

[Philippa]

The escalation is a worry. I feel concerned for you.

I was remembering today when I visited him about a month ago and he tried to convince me that the picture on the wall of a dragon was really a picture of Al Capone. He kept this up for about 3 hours...just saying "I can't believe you think it's a dragon...it's al capone"...and I found this very amusing, because I knew what he was trying to do, but I didn't buy into it...still, he kept it up. I looked up a few hours later, and there was a picture of Al Capone on the wall. I laughed it off...but now I really realize that he was inflicting severe gaslighting techniques on me! It wasn't "playful" or funny as he claimed later...when he texted me an apology...he was trying to make me go mad!

He's even tried to get me to punch him in the face (Fight Club) style, on the train in the middle of the day, for no reason?? And also tried to rope me into doing a homemade porn film...he's my BROTHER!

Even my father has commented on how his behavior is totally unacceptable...and HE's a Narcisisst!

He's totally loony...and I've felt like I wanted to help him for years, because I know what happened to him...but now I know I just need to completely remove him from my life...forever if need be!

I'm starting to realize that there is real cause for concern here as well. Thankyou for your concern ms spock...maybe it's time for me to leave melbourne. I have been feeling really bored here lately and felt like I want to travel...but the money situation is the only thing keeping me here. I've even considered stripping just to get some quick money to get out?

 

[Sethe]

I feel hopeful and neutral.

I think I'm in one of those 'blah neutral' moods. Does that mean I'm numb? How can I be numb and hopeful?

Hmm...

 

[ms spock]

I'm starting to realize that there is real cause for concern here as well. Thankyou for your concern ms spock...maybe it's time for me to leave melbourne.

Keep yourself safe Phillippa.