Maybe it never really happened…

[Sideways]

This comes up periodically. I’m looking at potentially doing some ketamine or mdma augmented therapy, so I’m confronting some of the fears I’ve got about that, which is why it’s come up (again!) now for me.

I have this contradictory relationship with my lack of conscious recall (or…just plain old amnesia…or, avoidance, or DID-related memory issues…whatever is driving that lack of ability to just “remember and know”). And, it’s particularly relevant because MDMA, while substantially more expensive, tends to have a particular relationship with trauma memories and that may determine which route (if either) that I go down.

On the one hand: what if I have an epiphany that it never really happened, and this is all just conflation? What if my brain has made this up, conflated illness or distress with experience, and here we are with a bunch of BS memories that have completely fked my life? (I get that this can happen, unintentionally, particularly with bad therapy…and I’ve had some bad therapists in the past!). How could I possibly cope with discovering that my own brain, my own insanity, is the only thing responsible for all my suffering?

On the other hand: what if I have an epiphany that it really did happen? Any of it. Even just one of my abusers having done those things, and I realise that it’s real. And the safety blanket of “it may not actually be real memories” gets taken away…how the fk do I cope with that? I don’t think I want that life.

Both of those options seem equally terrifying. Both of those options seem like things that I don’t think I’d cope with.

In the past, I’ve given others here pointers (which may or may not have been helpful) about how to deal with the ‘what if it’s not true’, or (equally awful), ‘what if it is true’ conflict. Can’t for the life of me give myself any good advice right now.

The augmented psychotherapy wouldn’t be to directly target whether my memories are real / reliable or the things I know remain memory-gaps (we’re trying to poke at the dogma that I still hang onto, whereby I am fixated on my own perpetual suffering as some sort of homage to my abuser), but the past, and my relationship to it, would inevitably come up. And those 2 fears are the big ones holding me back from diving in to the opportunity I’ve been presented with.

I hang onto “it may not have really happened” as a coping strategy. And it’s a pretty important one for me I think.

So, experiences with dealing with / coexisting with / overcoming either of those, or any other insights, would be awesome.

 

[anthony]

How could I possibly cope with discovering that my own brain, my own insanity, is the only thing responsible for all my suffering?

Whether real or not, its still your brain doing the deed, whichever side of the fence you're on, when it comes to this framing. Think about that, sit back and let it sink in... and how mad it may make you regardless the outcome.

My thinking goes a little like this... if it didn't happen, best day of my life. Especially if it fixed the problem, OR, lessened it significantly, allowing me to get back into life like I was.

 

[Muttly]

If it didn't happen, there was a reason your brain created the stories. And yes, that's awful, but if it did happen that's awful. The awfulness is something you have already been living with and have gained a lot of coping skills. I don't want to say it doesn't matter, because of course it does, but it's like if you got paralyzed. How it happened matters. Understanding how might change treatment to a degree, but ultimately, you are still deal with what your body can and can't do.

I hang onto “it may not have really happened” as a coping strategy. And it’s a pretty important one for me I think.

Oh sure, I get this. I suspect your brain is like me. What sort of incontrovertible proof would you need to rule out *any* chance it didn't happen.

 

[ninja]

What I'm hearing (correct me if wrong) is that you are wanting to let go of the internalized dogma that, when activated, can lead you to re-enact self-defeating behaviours. There is a hope that ketamine or MDMA assisted psychotherapy could help with that. There's also a fear that through the process, you might end up having an epiphany that gives you some kind of certainty about whether the abuse happened or not, which could be destabilizing because you sometimes rely on the uncertainty to cope. I'm also hearing that something seems to have shifted for you that is making this opportunity feel less scary / more doable than in the past.

I have a few questions that you can of course feel free to answer or not.

Before that though, I want to name that I resonate a lot with the hesitance you feel towards ketamine / MDMA / psychedelic assisted psychotherapy. A significant part of my hesitance comes from the fact that I’m not a big fan of pushing past resistance without taking ample time to understand it. Just naming my position because you may hear it come through in the questions.

- How do you feel toward the hesitance that you're feeling?
- Have you tried ketamine, MDMA, or anything like either of them in any quantity in the past?
- If you imagine a scenario in which the augmented therapy does exactly what you are wanting, what does that look like?
- What would you say has changed that is allowing you to consider it more seriously this time than in the past?
- What makes "it might not be real" an important coping strategy? In what situations do you turn to it? How often does that happen? Is it the only strategy that works for you when experiencing a particular kind or intensity of distress?

Regarding false memories, I guess my take is that yes, we've learned that memories change each time we access them and our brains tend to search for 'completeness', etc. We've also learned that CSA is unfortunately much more common than we want to believe. So, like, possible that you've made it all up? I guess. Likely? Personally, I think it's much more likely you've misremembered some specific details, rather than being wrong about everything.

The other thing I'm thinking about - Say you did have an epiphany that gave you more certainty one way or the other. Who's to say whatever you saw / experienced / felt / came to "know" would be more truthful? The medicines might give a sense certainty through an experience, but that may or may not be "real". You know?

Of course, please take what serves and dump the rest.