I'm feeling really unsure and things are stirring...yucky feeling emotions from having received an e-mail from my father expressing that he is fed up of trying to work me out and is sad that I don't want to talk to him. It's so f*cked up...he doesn't even know what he's done, and I just look crazy for trying to tell him.
I sent him one back and got really mad at him for saying that he was "always there for me' more than anyone I know, he said...BULLSHIT! Maybe financially he was there for me, and I thanked him for helping me pay for having my teeth fixed, and with the rent when I needed help. I pointed out the fact that he didn't even hug me or say "gee I'm sorry you got raped" instead of blaming me for it. I told him if that's what he thinks is being there for me then it's a different idea of what being there for me is to what I think...and kind of let loose with the whole...oh, gosh, I tried not to turn it into a guilt trip, but I'm afraid I didn't do the best job...it was a guilt trip...I was blaming him for not reacting the way I needed him to react to me when I needed it...and I don't think I handled it very well, but it's too late because I've sent it now...it's in his mailbox.
He was saying how he has less time ahead of him to waste his emotional energy trying to figure me out. He really has no idea that rifling through my personal diary is actually a really f*cked up thing to do...but he KNEW it was at the time, or he wouldn't have made up a lie about "the wind having blown up and swept the piece of paper which just happened to have my diary entry about how I just knew he'd done something to my brother, flew up out of the box it was stored in and landed in front of him":rolleyes: Um...yeeeeaaah. And I'm really Donald Trump in disguise!
I got pretty mad, and now I'm a bit scared of how it will be received by him. I'm just furious at the way he manages to just forget everything he does to piss me off and then just says he's over it! He'll probably just write it off as me making another mountain out of a molehill...that's the sad part. I said "How can I feel comfortable or trusting towards someone who rifled through my diary and then lied about it?" and asked him if he would want to speak to someone who did this to him...which I doubt he would, but he'll probably tell me he would just to make me look petty!
I guess I won't know whether he absorbed it until I hear from him, but I don't hold out much hope for an apology, though I pointed out that it's hypocritical of him to teach us to apologize when we do something wrong, and then do something like that and not take responsability for his actions or admit to being accountable, but instead turn it around and blame me.
I feel like I was being 'bad' or being petty for bringing up past stuff which I was just starting to let go of, and now I feel all murky because of it, but I guess the benefit (or danger) of the internet is that sometimes it makes you feel like you can say whatever you want, and whenever I tell dad exactly what I think he tells me to stop being so hurtful and read my emails before I send them, even though he feels like he can do things that he thinks are 'harmless' and not worry about it. I'll never be able to make him see it's him...it will always be me.
I admit that my communication skills may not have been too great, but then, I'm also not too sure that I did a bad job either...an objective third party would have been nice, but no such luck I'm afraid.
I feel guilty. I don't want to feel guilty but I do. He acts like the victim and I'm being weird or something...and I know he's an older man and will die soon. That's what I feel bad about, that I'm not over all this. I feel pressure to forgive him before he dies, for all the emotional abuse that he doesn't even know he's inflicted on me and would just roll his eyes if I tried to tell him like he has for every thing he's ever done that has been hurtful.
I've had people tell me that your emotional process is unique and it shouldn't be rushed for any reason, not even death. I know this is true, but it's still so hard I find, to not put pressure on myself to forgive him. I want to...but I find it so hard when he won't apologize. I know this is my issue to do with attachment to pain and painful memories which I hold onto.
