I'm meeting my cousin and uncle here in about 7 hours. I feel like I just want to go there, pick up the sewing machine that belonged to my late grandmother, and leave. I don't want them to know I felt nothing when she died, and that right there is what gets to me. To make matters worse she treated me good. I want to cry, mourn, get some closure but I can't do any of these things because I just don't feel it. There is more anger toward my wife beater of a grandfather than mourning. If they find out that i can't do any of these things I'll be regarded as a soulless monster; at least this is what I think would happen.
It should of been my grandfather (which i don't consider him to be) that died that morning. On top of that, why the h*** was i even brought in this world? He never should of procreated; then I would of been alot happier. I feel all these things at once, and its just now that I'm starting to think of all this. Sometimes i feel like whatever brought me in this world is a sadomasochist that gets a kick out of me living this pain that is my life. Then again every moment I exist I piss people off. Anger has kept me alive, and everyday I live I give life a big f**k you. At least i got that going for me.
