Thank you gizmo, for your kind words.
I hope you are feeling ok, you always give everyone else support and kindness, (((((((Gizmo xox ))))))).
I feel weird, it is the Anniversary (1 year) of my Aunt's death tomorrow.
Lived with me and a relative past 25 years.Previous to that, there wasn't more than one week that went by when we/ I didn't see her.
Out of the blue just now got a text from a guy (creep) who tried to ask me out pretty much as she was dying, believe even during the last few days, if I can recall.
And after, despite telling him off (Royally, I might add).
Weird thing is, he's the only one who's acknowledged it, in a sense. Not family, friends, clients.
Of course, I don't expect them to remember.
Well, I expect family to.
Not sure what I feel- other than weird- the one I've called a creep actually has done that much.
Though I'm also glad my Aunt hung on through the night, because I left. But she died in our arms the next morning.
I feel like I let her down, grief, regret.
Not to mention what kind of person would 'want' their loved one to suffer one more night, just so they wouldn't have the guilt they left them to die alone? I am disgusted with myself.
Though, by the same token 'glad' she didn't die that night.
Doubly disgusted with myself.
Selfish.
Though I also think had kind priests etc, and managed (by some miracle) to make it through the funeral (last year).
Dread that I have to go to a client tomorrow with their family visiting all day, 'cheery' mask and all, family all there.
They never so much asked me once how my aunt was, despite the fact their relative ois almost 96, I've been there 3 years and tried to ignore he constant insults, have bent over backward best I can, and she has no real issues like my aunt suffered physically or otherwise. Unlike my aunt, also they are very critical and judgmental of others.
So yep, gratitude, dread, shame, feeling like I wish I could assume a new identity and get 1000 miles to nowhere.