I feel really afraid of the rest of my life. Not the very near future, but of what may happen as I get older. I can't bear to think of any more illness, hospital stays or surgery, and having to be alone through it. That is actually what I fear, having to go through it alone. That's what has been the hardest part of being sick or injured, is that I didn't have anyone close to me, who would see me or talk to me on a regular basis.
In the past 5 years, I have had thyroid cancer, a thyroidectomy, hospitalization 4 times for severe symptoms of PTSD, a broken lower leg/ankle requiring surgery to fix with plates and screws, arthroscopic hip surgery to repair a torn labrum (that didn't work), a hip replacement that was done incorrectly, another hip replacement (same hip), and in between the hip replacements, a cholecystectomy. And at the same time, all the other things that have happened.
I can't take any more. My kids, I think because of immaturity not necessarily their fault, were not yet quite at the age that they could really understand, and their father seems to have suggested to them that I'm just looking for attention, and like being a victim. It is so messed up.
I know that if I don't want to go through any more alone, that I had better get out there and make some new friends...but really, how much can you expect from friends, and who wants to be thinking that as they are meeting people? Besides that, it is hard enough as it is to even leave my place, let alone talk to people.
I know that I am not just interested in finding company for if and when I go through tough times. I want to feel like part of a family again, like when my children were younger, and before I fell apart. I would like to possibly be married again, but more importantly, to love someone who returns my feelings. I don't seem to have stayed healthy long enough lately for that to happen.
At 52, I'm not "old", but my days of being called "Miss" by strangers are numbered! Hip replacements last only 7-15 years. I just had the last one in October, and I still can't climb steps with that leg...before I know it, it will be time for another one, and that really scares me. I know I would be doing better with the right kind of support. It's very hard for me to feel motivated, when I feel alone and no one seems to recognize what a struggle it is...or if they do, they don't want to get involved.
