What Are You Thinking?

[Tanishq]

I am thinking why am I pushing myself and making myself tired when things are falling on its place. Time to go with good flows.

 

[Britt.f7]

I am thinking I have a long way to go in the losing weight department. But, hopefully, that will give me time to improve how I feel about myself and my appearance. I can't think that losing all the weight is going to give me magical feelings of self acceptance. I have to learn to like myself as is, if I am ever going to like myself thinner. Otherwise, I will just be that fat person inside a skinny persons body. So much to overcome.

 

[Britt.f7]

I'm thinking I really don't need to be fat anymore. That it really isn't helping me as much as I thought it was. If anything it has kept me from going out because I don't want people to see me. It was a sort of protection. I need to discard it, it is so unhealthy in so many ways. Thankfully, I have a supportive family. If I didn't this would be so much harder. Even my youngest has gotten in on the support, by encouraging me and watching my progress. I am thinking I am very blessed.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am thinking that the seasons in my life of worry and fear are real killers of my inner peace and joy. Will I ever learn the lesson that this has to teach me not to worry and fret so?

 

[intothelight]

How to make the changes I need to make.

 

[Britt.f7]

I'm thinking that, sometimes, cottage cheese is just gross in texture. Even if it is the main staple of this diet. I like it, but sometimes I just get grossed out by the texture. I really need to work out my food hangups.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I'm thinking that the truth is my insomnia is back. It hasn't been this bad for 20 years. I toss and turn and try to sleep for hours before I finally fall asleep for an hour and then I wake up and can't fall back to sleep for 45 minutes. I wake up exhausted and I'm exhausted all day trying to stay awake so maybe I can sleep at night.

I'm thinking that during the day I panic at the drop of a pin and process traumas that scarred me for life. I have flashbacks emotional flashbacks and body memories. I try to communicate with my family and I'm told that one day I'll "beat this".

I'm thinking I avoid social gatherings because I'm so depressed and then I feel lonely because I don't have many friends and I don't do much.

I'm thinking every time I look in the mirror I'm ashamed of what I see and I'm embarrassed that people have to see me this way. I'm not talking about a bad hair day or a pimple on my forehead. I'm talking about being ashamed and embarrassed by my face because it's like taking the one thing about your body that you try to hide and wearing it on your forehead for the world to see. I'm talking about BDD or Body Dysmorphic Disorder.

I'm thinking that this is hard work. It's really hard work. It's peeling your soul and scrubbing it with rubbing alcohol. And really being an open vulnerable weeping wound and going out into the world raw and exposed. And I'm thinking it's hard. It's really hard.

 

[Tanishq]

I am thinking I might read 100 or 1000 books, but it all will be worthless if I don't put some love in it. I will try to do every activity mixed with some love in it.

 

[Friday]

I am increasingly concerned about having misplaced my emotions.

Mostly, because I don't know if I really want them back, but I also remember feeling very strongly about hanging onto them at all costs after the last time I lost them 15 years back. Intellectually, that was a dark period in my life. But I also don't have any regret, remorse, or shame attached to it right now, so blah. Thoughts all over the place with no anchor. I've still got anger and amusement. Ish. Seems like enough. Or too much. FFS. I don't know. Lots of cognitive dissonance echoing about between my ears right now.

 

[intothelight]

Where I want to be by the end of the year.

 

[Tanishq]

I am thinking I haven't laughed hard in a while, just did. Some funny posts on this Social forums. Whew! :)

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I'm thinking it makes me sad that of my 4 siblings 1 of them keeps in regular contact with me and asks how I'm doing and offers support.

I'm thinking that it makes me feel like my siblings don't want to understand what I go through. And that makes me feel like I'm going through this without the support from them that I wish I had.