I shop lifted a few times in my late teens and early 20's for absolutely no reason, I had the money. (risky behavior)
I drove outrageously drunk and kept drinking on the I-10 freeway at an average speed of 95 and hitting speeds on the stretches when no one was around of 108 from Pensacola to Picayune. (really ashamed about that) All I knew is I was in pain and I wanted to die... I was interested in a one car accident and figured it would take a long time for them to get to me on remote stretches of the freeway.
After both my husbands struck the first abusive blow... in the course of both my marriages I struck both husbands without provocation during fights and arguments. (out grew that one, realized I had a problem and had an overactive fight response... that I felt like what they were doing or shouting and screaming at me was trying to kill me)
I had one emotional affair and one weekend affair duirng my first marriage (in retaliation from his adultery... makes no sense I know but I was young and stupid)
I picked up a stranger hand had sex the night of my current husband's bachelor party (was outrageously drunk and I knew that, having had unprotected sex with him for 2 years and no pregnancy, it was my last chance to get pregnant because I loved him enough to commit to monogamy and would not go outside my marriage after my wedding.) Predictably there was no pregnancy and the sex was awful... when I got up to leave, I found another woman's things in the bathroom and realized he was living with someone. I stole a pair of earrings before leaving, my weird way of letting her know "someone" had been there... like a nonverbal warning to her.
I jumped out of moving cars twice. Once after my date rape, once when dating my current husband.
I had two emotional affairs in my current marriage though not as outrageous as what had happened with my first marriage. I didn't consiously register these, until one guy died and the grief hit me like a brick wall. The other I ended on my own in a short, simple way. I could see the fantasy crumble between us like shattering a mirror. They were ways, I think to maintain a sense of worth during the many years of my husbands lies and betrayals.
In a drunken state after my messed up first duty assignment I wound up in bed with my best friend/room mate and her boyfriend. (determined that was something I would never repeat)
In a druken state in my 30's after a fight with my current husband, went to a girlfriends and was so drunk she did stuff to me. I feigned passing out and when she went to sleep got the hell out of there. I found my husband in the bar parking lot passed out in the back of the truck in 40 degree weather, blue... he had pissed and shit his pants and vomited at 4:30 in the morning. (I felt I had been so drunk I abandoned him when he needed me and it scared both of us so badly we both started trying to get sober)
I got physical with my mother when she slapped me at 16.
I hit my dad in the head with a 2 by 4.
I gave my dog a command to bite my dad, and he did.
I started raiding liquor cabinets when I baby sat other peoples kids at 12... and was very careful to just have 2-3 shots but put children who were in my care in harms way.
I would dip into my mother's valium or librium at around 14-16, not to get high but just to not care anymore.
I ditched school and would go to Mexico or all the way up to Anaheim... became a chronic truant.
I would call in my absence because I sounded like my mother and forge signatures on parent concent slips.
My junior (and last year in high school) at lunch time I would drink a 40 and smoke a half a joint with a girl who I had the next three P.E. classes with... we'd play raquette ball stoned and high but it would get me through "being there".
I was up for 1-5 years and confessed to drug use before my military service ended but got rehabbed and made it through my tour. But people were trying to kill me because my ex, who was up for 20-40 became a narc. Even though he was beating the shit out of me and raping and choking me, I have a lot of shame about this. He got off, they dropped all charges on him... but to get him to cooperate, kept the 1-5 charge over me but eventually that too go dropped. I preferred jail but fought for rehab. I intentionally f'd up stuff I was asked until they wouldn't ask me anymore was so whacky and unreliable they wouldn't make me testify. (The only good thing was it was so bad it scared me straight and I got free from him, dope, and the people who use them). I hated him more for becoming a narc and that his "friends" were trying to get me to hurt him. I was ashamed of him and hated myself because I couldn't stop anything. Powerless, helpless... it was crushing.
I told lies for no reason. (stopped that one many years ago)
I stalked my dad's girlfriend and she was afraid to come out of her house. He didn't have the guts to introduce me "officially to her" for 2 more years and did it in a very public place, the San Diego Fairgrounds.
I abandoned my marriage to this husband by choosing alcohol and sinking into agoraphobia over my relationship with him and partnering with him. I hurt him alot til I recovered from alcohol.
I was so full of rage that my husband and family became afraid of me (still trying to work through some of that with my mother now, but no one intervened when I was dying from alcoholism... hell of a wake up call and I don't recommend it)
After my first boyfriend but before my first husband, I was sexually promiscuous (sp?). I lost count at somewhere over 120 men when I was 21. I thought I had no value except as a nubile body to receive semen. Also I used my body as a way to attract someone who knew how to live because I didn't know how and to protect me from rapists after the date rape. At least that way I could choose my sex partner, I figured and they would not debase, damage, or scar me.
