What can i do

[Casey_03]

@Suzetig I'll check out Mumsnet, hadn't heard of it before. But it seems like even an online group would be helpful, since I end up posting so much about my struggles with motherhood on this forum, and this isn't really a forum for motherhood.

The doctors never really offered any suggestion about support. It seemed like they just assumed I could have family step in. I told them I had a sister and other relatives, so for them I think that was enough. That I'd just find a way to get my relatives involved.

I have been brainstorming about where to meet people here. I tried searching meetups, even dating websites for single moms. There aren't any meetups in my town, at least not advertised on the website. I know there must be some mommy groups that I'm just not aware of. There's a bi-monthly library meetup for kids that starts in the fall, and I signed up for it. So that's something where I imagine I will meet other moms.

There is also a meetup for creative writers, which I would love to do but am not sure I'd even have the mental energy to produce any writing. Though maybe it is worth contacting them just to meet a few people in the group -- it would be a miracle if there was another parent.

For now I'm basically the weirdo at the doctor's office who is overly friendly with other moms and tries to chat and they just seem too tired and busy to deal with me. Although I never came right out and said, "Do you know of any mommy groups?" So I guess I'll just have to be more direct.

I think I will have to try your church idea. I have been reluctant to try a church, but it does seem like that would be the best place to find some sort of consistent support, or at the very least, a tip about other places.

 

[hithere]

I would make a call to Catholic Social Services in your area and request to be part of the "Mother's Helper" program. This is program of volunteers that will match you with a woman who will come and help you care for your son. They are committed to this program because of their position on prof life. I know women who do this and they do not proselytize. They do it joyfully from their heart. I can't guarantee you won't get a weirdo, but at least you could try. There is another catholic social services that is free and I can't remember the name. I'll look it up. It's a team of people who help the poor, often times what we call "working poor." They will bring food, they will visit, they will care for the baby. Whatever you need. It may just be for a few hours a week, but it is at a break. In my area, there are many other religious organizations that do this; they have "parent's day out" where you can you take the baby for a few hours a couple times a week, like a pre-school or day care, babysitting basically is what it is.
I don't doubt you are stressed. I feel like I'm dying right now. It's awful. However, you will not starve. There are pantries you can go to get food for free. My husband just bought a family cell phones and paid their cell phone bills because they walked into our church asking for money. He said I won't give you money, but what do you need. They needed phones. He was happy to do it. They seriously did need phones, or they couldn't get jobs. they were so appreciative. They came back and asked for the rent to be paid. They got on our church list for "help" and we have like 40 members! So if I tiny church has "Benevovlence Funds" a bigger church would, too. If one says, no, just keep calling for help. As for someone to come babysit in your house while you work.

You can doo this. You do need some rest. Unfortunately, you have to ask for help. I know that's "work" in itself. I wish you the best.

 

[Friday]

But I don't think you realize how insane my kid is at this age, and that even buying him a new play pen is not going to prevent him from throwing hissyfits, banging his head on the walls and ultimately preventing me from getting down time. Independent play would be great, but right now I don't see how it would give me hours alone.

:roflmao: I had friends who had what a DevPsych Professor calls "lump-babies". They just sit there. They coo. They sleep. They eat. This was NOT my baby. I had what she called an "adventure-baby". They're go-go-go 24/7. Do they sleep? Yes. At different times, in direct relation to your schedule (work nights? They're up days. Work days? They're up nights. Work from home? They nap. As in ONLY nap.) they need to be in almost constant physical contact while awake, but are not happy being still (lump babies who are very hold-me will just chillax in a carrier. Adventure babies are bouncing, wanting up (hold, but be talking to me, and bouncing me, and let me chew on your hair))/down(to investigate some piece of fluff, and UP!!! :mad: why aren't you holding meeeeee???)/up/down/up(why are you just sitting while holding meeee??? There's a whole world out there! Get up! Walk around!) :eek: :banghead: :dead:

It's not anything wrong with the baby or parent. It's just personality. Parents of lump babies? Usually only get one. Their second kid? Tends to be an adventure baby. ((At which point all their self satisfied I'm a better parent than yoooooooou gets drop kicked to the curb. Because baby personalities have jack shit to do with parenting.)) By 3rd kid onward? They're just battle hardened.

Ditto, I had friends who had "little artists" who would sit for hours and draw draw draw while their parents worked & studied. Others who had introverts who cherished their alone time and imaginative play. C'est moi? Nope! I had the athlete (go-go-go!) who was also ( :banghead: ) an extrovert (it took until he was EIGHT or NINE years old to get 5-15 minutes of alone time in a shot. Being alone is as overwhelming and painful for extroverts as being shoved in a huge raucous party of kids is for an introvert. With the exact same results; meltdowns, tears, and a good solid hour of calming them down afterwards. Except parties only happen occasionally, and being alone? Is an "everyday" thing. >.< Oy. Vey. Hard effing work.

So this is just a shout out, from another mom :) Kids are all different. What works for one kid? Doesn't necessarily work for another kid (at all!) even in the same family, much less in different families. You're not doing anything wrong, having an adventure baby. Promise. It's just who he is.

 

[Casey_03]

@Friday Thank you. I needed that, because I was beginning to worry that something was wrong. If I were just watching from the outside, I'd think, "Wow, that kid is so cool and is such a mischievous little devil!" But from the inside, it's soul-sucking and exhausting. There's no off switch. From the second he wakes up, it's a marathon that I'm destined to lose. He wants me to pick him up, then he's punching me in the face and wants down, then trying to dive off the couch, then wanting to eat, then refusing to eat, then angry for no apparent reason, then hungry again, then wants up again, then .... you get the picture. And I'm sure I don't need to describe this whole scenario for you; you've been through it.

But imagine him doing all of that combined with three of my supervisors at work all screaming at me simultaneously to get the latest bullshit political story (oh, did Trump tweet something stupid again?!) up on the website within three minutes so we can be the first to post it on Twitter. So in one ear I have a baby screaming and crying and punching me and grabbing at me, and in the other my supervisors: "Is it ready yet? What's your ETA? Fix the headline! New photo! Why are you taking so long?!"

It's too much. I had planned to have a support network in place by the time my kid got to this crazy-hyper phase .... but it snuck up on me. One day he was chill as can be, happy to sit in his fancy little rocking chair ... the next he was trying to gouge my eyes out with his toy spoon and cackling light a maniac. I had heard before that's what parenthood is like, but you never believe it until you experience it yourself.

When I tell people I don't have any down time while watching him, they never believe me. Of course, I am fortunate enough that he'll take a nap a day. But that's when I get to handwash his clothes (which are usually poo/pee stained, and he can't go without clothes or he'll rip off his diaper and shit all over the place and rub the poo around in his hands), cook his meals, shower if I can do it quickly enough, eat if there's time, and do whatever household chores need urgent doing.

I absolutely have mad respect for all moms now, mad respect.

**** sorry for rant, very delirious and hopped up on coffee for my next shift ***

 

[Deleted member 37474]

You love your baby. You are tired. Motherhood is hard. Doing it alone is nearly impossible. I had an easy bouncy seat lump baby followed by an adventure hypersensitive baby. Now my adventure baby is a 13 year old with ADHD and purple/blue hair. I had support, a lot of it, and it was hard as hell, so you are either superwoman or hanging by a tiny piece of floss over a cliff with sharp spikes down below. And having to even deal with us politics in your career makes me physically shake. But you will get through this. I have absolutely no idea how, but you will because you don't have any other options. Survive. If you have a break down, your baby will go into foster care and they will try to find family members to help, but if there is a chance he will go to your abuser... fight harder. Do not give up! You can do this. If you can do the career you describe, you are made of strength. Your baby may be kicking your ass right now because your baby is just like you... strong. Take a nap tonight and sleep on it. You will figure it out after you breathe and sleep.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I felt the need to pop back in for a sec. I promise I will leave you alone after this and not come back in here but I think I left a huge chuck out of my post and it was misunderstood due to my own bad wording.

Basically, though I am not a mom and don't understand fully how it is to be a mom, I do know that every baby is different and you know what is best for your baby. I do recongize that there are lump babies and the extreme everywhere baby and every mix in between.

I specifically wanted to say that it is pefectly ok and not abusive to have your child in a completely other room so as long as you have anything that can hurt them up high or not in there, all things baby locked and the entire room baby proof AND (what I left out) a baby monitor in there. Specifically the video monitors, for 30 mins or an hour while they play alone. That is not abuse. You have eyes and ears on them the entire time but have a chance to sit down and work through something like a DBT book.

No parent can have their baby on their hip 24/7. And, I worry, that if your mind is going to the extreme as adoption, that you are seriously over stessing yourself out when there is no need to. That is also how shaken baby syndrome happens and mothers killing their children. I am not saying you would but only saying that it normally starts out this way. Super over stressed mothers.

Anyway, sorry to bother again but I just felt the need to clear that up a little bit. And in no way is there anything wrong with you or your baby. You are just seriously over stressed so you need to find a way to take that load off.

 

[Scarlet13]

I am a teacher and I worked in childcare for many years. I have two little ones and struggled with post partum depression and then bad reactions to meds. I do have support from my husband, but a very invalidating mother. I can guess how hard this is for you. Parents day out are great programs and are often at local churches. You can probably google parents day out in your city. It is part time like half day and it is very affordable. The other option is that many states have toddler/preschool funding for low income families which you could qualify for. There will be many options especially in one month when your baby turns one. Another child care option is in home licensed child care or a possible stay at home mom. You can find these listings on craig's list under childcare. Just be careful though and do reference checks, meet them in their home and spend time with them going with your gut instinct. There are some sketchy homes out there but some great ones. 30 dollars a day is the going rate in my area and you could probably do part time to get a break.
As far as an 11 mos, I set up my house for a crawling experience. I baby proofed everything and moved tables against walls to create space then I set out blankets and pillows all around. 11 mos old love to crawl and pull up. Is your child walking? Also anything with texture like fuzzy blocks. You can set out pots and pans and spoons (though noisy) or lots of tupper wear containers. Encourage finger foods mostly so you dont have to spoon feed, but you need to be there in the kitchen. I also looked up songs like twinkle, twinkle little star to play on you tube. There are also those jumping seats that can hang over a door frame. You are doing great with what you have. I admire you and can tell you are a caring mom to work this hard and provide for your baby. You will get through this!

 

[anonymous]

@Friday Thank you. I needed that, because I was beginning to worry that something...

@Casey_03 , I have not read your background. I have only read this post. You are a good mom to not think of leaving your kid alone. I was blessed with two adventure kids myself. Although my situation is different, most moms with adventure kids have been through this, and it isn't easy.

I had an adventure sick kid. On top of his mischievous behavior, he was very ill (he had been treated by more specialists than me before he was eight months old). So he cried....a lot. I could not stand to hear him cry, and knowing that he was sick, I couldn't justify letting him "cry it out." I didn't understand how some of my friends could "sleep train" their kids by putting them in their beds and letting them cry. I could last about three minutes, tops, before going and picking him up to comfort him. It just seemed like he needed comforting and I didn't want him to be alone and scared. I was more comfortable with him near me. What if something went wrong and that is why he was crying? He was safe, but it didn't feel right.

I work full time as well. I didn't work a full week between February and July his first year of life because he was so sick. He would be sick, and I would stay home, and he would have good and bad moments. I was trying to juggle work at the house with him either bouncing off walls or puking all over whatever I was doing. It isn't easy. I was very depressed and very stressed.

But you are doing your best. The horror stories others told me about how he was going to be spoiled for life never came to fruition. He is a great kid. His teachers love him, and he is smart and compassionate and well rounded. He is all of these things in spite of me.

But the other thing is this.... consider the blessing. I know my kids have given me something to stick around for. They are the hope for the future...my reason to live...

It doesn't mean I don't get frustrated just like you though...

 

[Casey_03]

@lostforgottensoul You don't have to apologize, and you don't have to stay away. You didn't say or do anything wrong, I just get frustrated when people tell me to do things like other (married) mothers do it, because to me, being single and doing it alone and being married and having help makes a HUGE difference. But I know you only have good intentions and were just trying to help, so I'm sorry if I got defensive with you.

I guess the point I was trying to make in my earlier response (before I got frustrated and defensive) was that yes, I can and in fact do leave my son in a separate room sometimes. And I know it's not abuse -- in fact, it's necessary for him to learn to be on his own. But I can't leave him for more than about 5 minutes before he gets super needy and starts freaking out. So it still doesn't give me much time to do anything; i generally do that if I have to go take the garbage out or do something quick that requires free hands. But for anything else, it just never works out the way I'd like it to.

He becomes hysterical and starts banging his head on the playpen, throwing things, hyperventilating. It turns into a full-blown meltdown on his part, and if he's left to be on his own for too long in this condition, it'll drag on for hours. He will be inconsolable. It will become even more difficult to deal with him than it was before I left him in there alone.

So, my point is that there are loads of things I can do around the apartment to give me brief breaks from him (he's got tons of toys to distract himself with, little cars, a playpen, a bouncy thing, etc), but he doesn't/can't stay focused on any one thing for more than 3-5 minutes, so I still end up having to tend to him constantly. It doesn't leave me any time to truly relax or do stuff I want to do for my mental health.

I guess I need a more drastic break to recharge.

 

[Casey_03]

But the other thing is this.... consider the blessing. I know my kids have given me something to stick around for. They are the hope for the future...my reason to live...

Thank you. You are right, and this is probably the only reason I haven't had a nervous breakdown so far. I know I complain a lot, but I do feel grateful to have him. The Grenfell Tower fire in London has had a very serious impact on me, I don't know why. But I read a lot about the mothers who lost their young children in that fire, and it left me literally sobbing for hours and feeling so devastated for them. And of course it made me go in and stare at my son in awe and realize how lucky I am to have him and how I shouldn't waste this time with him by being stressed all the time. That's really why it kills me so much to be so stressed -- because I want to be happy and cheerful for him, not constantly frustrated.

 

[Heather]

@Casey_03 I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.....understandable because of your situation.

I know how you feel being a single mom with little to no support. I have shouldered everything myself since day one. It's made me stronger but there are still those days I feel like it's too much.

When my daughter was a baby I found a teenager from the local community center that advertised babysitting services. It wasn't too expensive because it was a teenager (14). I don't know if that's an option.

Like another member said mine is now 13 1/2 with black and red hair.

I truly empathize with your situation.

Hang in there!

 

[joeylittle]

@Casey_03 - I like your note to yourself about getting more proactive at the doctors, in terms of asking about groups for moms.

I believe you 100% about your son's energy level and inability to be left alone.

Single parenting is unbelievably hard.

Can you help me understand why things would be better back in the Ukraine? I remember you struggling with not having help there as well. I know the economy is different...but how would things be easier there? Maybe writing it out would help you feel clearer about going/not going.

And do look into churches, synagogues, and family charity organizations. I hear you about organized religion - but I think many places aren't out to convert, they just genuinely believe in helping others. And the ones who are conversion oriented, can be pretty easy to spot.

Thinking of you.