What Can You Glean From Old Photographs?

[shell]

I am working on my photo's in therapy at the moment, and had to go through my collection of photo's I received from my mother years ago to find them.

Everyone I picked up had bad memories attached to them, other than very young baby photo's, and in them I am learning away from my mother.

In them I either look extremely sad, have very red cheeks from crying or a blank expression on my face, my T said I look depressed. No smiles, under weight, and so many awful memories that I can't look at them without becoming upset. I can see now how the abuse was never picked up, I am well dressed, and in my school photo's groomed with ribbons in my hair, and look tidy, better than most of the children in the photo, it always was about keeping up appearances.

In one as a six year old my hair was hacked off to hide the missing clumps of hair from my mother dragging me through the house by my hair, she said my hair was too thin so she had to do it, even though the prior year photo I had lots of hair. In another my mother was forcing me to put a snake around my neck even though I was terrified so she could get a photo, another photo I am wearing a dress I had to make for sewing at high school, where she pinned me to the table with a knife and threatened to to cut off my fingers on my right hand because I complained we only had left handed scissors and I am right handed. So many crappy memories.

I had no happy photo's, not one until after 18.

I had no birthday photo's so I am not sure if I didn't have many birthday parties, but I can only recall 2 and that is because they have bad memories attached to them.

If I was kind to myself I would probably get the whole lot and burn them, but I suppose that is just avoidance and a refusal to feel the feelings that relate to having to accept that I was ever that child. The more I look at them the angrier I get, so I guess it is helping me.

I think it is important to be careful before looking at photo's if you have childhood abuse.

 

[Chava]

If I was kind to myself I would probably get the whole lot and burn them, but I suppose that is just avoidance and a refusal to feel the feelings that relate to having to accept that I was ever that child.

This somehow reminded me of a dream where a dog was attacking a mystery little girl (in this phase of dreaming the little girl was always a representation of myself, but my adult self was also in this dream). I looked away and wanted the dog to just kill her. When I thought maybe it was all over I turned to look...the girl's hand had been chewed up but she was alive (sorry this is morbid)...I was annoyed, but I took her to the ER. I haven't had any more dreams about this little girl. My therapist thought it was really compassionate of me to take her to ER (even if I was annoyed about it). Anyway, the idea of burning photos of the child you reminds me of this...you're angry, but you aren't angry at the little girl, are you?

Yes, careful looking at photos if abusive background. I feel distance with everything so have looked at pics many times. This time I was more looking and trying to connect or notice how I actually looked. It was very weird. I still don't know if baby me looked dead or if that's a weird projection in my brain. But I didn't look normal.

We were all dolled up for photos too. I had an even more gruesome dream about a mystery family murdered by a parent, bled out, and dressed up again and posed for a photo. Really sick. My dreams are like symbolism on lots of crack. But the bloody nightmares ended after adult me took little me to the emergency room.

 

[jaccat]

Talking about positive associations, I just realised that nearly all the photos of myself that I'm okay with feature me with a cat!

 

[SeaQuel]

I've gleaned timeline information to fill in gaps from my very incomplete narrative. But I wasn't deliberately looking and probably won't, at least for some time.

 

[ghotiff]

My first T had me go through old photos. I wasn't ready and I was a mistake. I only remember one photo from this exercise. I was about 8 and happily eating an ice cream in a quite childlike way (no manners, quite unattractive).

Others would likely see this as a happy photo but I see two things from that photo 1) I remember being criticized for the way I ate the ice cream. 2) I feel like a child porn star. There is nothing sexual or attractive about the particular photo, but objectively I see a "physically attractive female child" and I hate it because all I see is vulnerability and I blame at least some of my sexual abuse on my "good" looks (in childhood)

 

[Chava]

I can't really "like" that @ghotiff but I read and am sorry...lots of these posts are like this (not surprised)...sad. It might not help at this point, but you weren't abused because you were pretty or anything "you"...but because a predator crossed your path. Not sure if that's helpful at all.

I know it's really hard to look at old pictures and not have the self blame parts, or notice what we have kept telling ourselves is wrong with us, or how who we were played into what was done to us, inexcusably.

Interesting/sad how our views of our old pictures are also colored by our memories and views of ourselves. I wish I could show someone else these photos I looked at recently and ask if I look dead, because I probably just look like a tiny fragile baby. But my head sees it how it sees it. I do think the scared look sitting with anyone in early-later childhood years is interesting. I don't know how to un-do that feeling. Not sure if it helps or not to see how old this stuff is..

 

[shell]

Anyway, the idea of burning photos of the child you reminds me of this...you're angry, but you aren't angry at the little girl, are you?

No not angry at the little girl, finally angry at my mother, and sad.

 

[Gadgie]

When I look at old photographs of when I was a kid, I can't remember the time they were taken. In fact, I've lost a large chunk of my child hood?

I have recently got back in touch with my sister, after fifteen years of silence, and she Emailed some old photos to me, which I had no memory of?

We face time each other every night, and there are some photos that she can't recall either? I think it was because we both had a violent upbringing, and we shut down on some of those times.

Yet I like to see old photos of times gone by, but not of people, is that normal?

 

[Berserker14]

I had a fit of rage at some point and burned every picture of myself from birth to age 16 (when my abuse stopped). I prefer not to look at any pictures of myself from those times. Too much of a flashback disaster.

 

[ghotiff]

:banghead::bawling:@Chava you said.... (Quoting a not working) ... youweren't abused because you were pretty or anything "you"...but because a predator crossed your path. "

I think I see where you are headed with this and I hadn't seen it as self blame ever before

But.... My second abuser (at least) only abused girls. So, if I wasnt a girl, then it wouldn't have happened. Second reason is that I know I was "attractive" (I was approached for modeling as a child). As both my abusers were outside the home, they "chose" me. Given that the abuse lasted so many years for each of them, I believe it had to be more than the one time opportunity, just crossed paths type of abuse. I was targeted, then groomed. There was a reason why "I" was targeted.

But you are right to point out the blame concept, in writing this, I realise that I do blame myself and its intersting that I feel the need to convince you that I am right :banghead:

 

[Chava]

@ghotiff ...it does read like a lot of self blame. But I get it, I just wish I knew the way out of that.

I can't articulate how this connects to being target of my mom's rages there's too much disconnection in my brain around that. But I do remember feeling ANGRY at my legs after I was assaulted as a teen. The guy had mentioned to someone what nice legs I had at some earlier point and that got back to me. I was naturally sort of flattered. Even though I had been cutting and had some scars, I decided to wear shorts for a while and try to enjoy having nice legs, even with some scars. Then this guy assaulted me. I failed at a suicide attempt because that just put the icing on the cake at that point. Then I just zeroed back in on hating my legs, cutting, wearing pants and swearing to never have my legs seen again. I "know" it was not my fault, or my legs' fault. But I assume it's a control thing...the idea of figuring out where we might have gone wrong so we can avoid it happening again....even if we didn't do anything wrong. ???

 

[Chava]

Yet I like to see old photos of times gone by, but not of people, is that normal?

I'm not a good one for commenting on normalcy. But I do like pictures of favorite places or things that connect to positive memories. I really did connect better with nature, places, certain things. But I had a grandparent I really loved and like seeing those pictures.