What Cant You Get Out Of Your Mind?

[mamachick]

The look in the guys eyes before he unleashed on me and scooped me up and drug me off. The sense of helplessness/my own weakness in defending myself-the frozen state of mind.My dreams are always different, but Im always powerless and wrong

 

[LSNP]

Thank you KP, I appreciate your kind words. It's complicated and everyday I look in the mirror I have scars to remind me. Sometimes people stare, sometimes they point and gawk, other times they put me on the spot and ask me what's wrong with your face. Plenty of people have no tact, then I get angry and frustrated and sad and want to hide inside. It's a cycle. I'm just trying to process all this stuff inside me, I appreciate you for listening.

Sometimes, so-called "beautiful" people... those without outside scars and mars of any kind... hate themselves with such a ferocity that they might as well be burn victims. Sometimes, these "beautiful" people are beautiful enough to be hated and despised by others, especially when their own self worth is so low they appear to others as conceited, self-centered, and vain.... when they are really just desperately alone and unhappy.

I am in a bad enough state tonight that I know why I am writing but am unsure how to make my point.... but I want to tell you that the scars don't have to matter, that beauty is sometimes one's enemy, that I understand your trauma and your pain and I am trying to help you and I am sorry if I can't tonight. I can barely type through the tears tonight.

I am sorry for your pain. :-( So sorry.

 

[AliveInside]

I'm sorry you are in tears LSNP and sorry for your trauma as well brat17. Thank you everyone for the kind words and interest in my personal story. and for sharing your own experiences. I feel there is a real road back to confidence I just can't find the right map. I hope with the help of the people here I can navigate a proper course.

 

[scott_1971_h]

I would say I am just about asexual as well.
Scott

 

[Liam]

I cant get out of my head the eyes, or the breathing sounds he made
also ((like, everyone))!!!!

 

[shell]

The overwhelming feeling of fear, the knowledge your not normal and feeling ashamed.

 

[LSNP]

I am seeing a therapist on Tuesday. I wonder how I will begin to even begin. What can't I get out of my head? Nothing. None of it. It is all swimming around like semen in my mind, all of the time. I burst into tears on the way to the store tonight (went from zero to tears in one nanosecond), simply because my friend asked me to go to church and I had a vivid memory pop into my head in full technicolor.......). Embarassed myself again. She was uncomfortable... and she is the only friend I have left. Later, while walking through the store, I jumped a mile over a voice coming from a computer. Abnormal. Odd. Strange. Weird. I do not act like other people. I am a walking ... I don't even know what to call it. I am a walking ooze.

It occurred to me tonight that I don't have a social life, anymore, because I am afraid of remembering. Triggers. It occurred to me tonight that the simple thought of going back to church tomorrow made me cry. I have been pounding myself for not dating, for not leaving the house, for not socializing, for not getting involved, for not "getting a life...." and I fully realized tonight - hit me like a ton of bricks - that I am avoiding. Avoiding. Everything. Because EVERYTHING reminds me. It is never out of my mind and I am tired of fear and crying and sadness and depression.

I'll be dead before the therapist has enough one-hour time slots to help me.

It's been three years since the formal Battle, one year since the stalker was finally forced out of my life.... and I am only now beginning to come down from the required-to-survive adrenaline enough to realize just how damaged I am.

I can't get any of it out of my mind. It free-floats. There is not a time I do NOT think about it. It is ALWAYS with me.

 

[Liam]

LSNP, When I first moved out of ym abusers house... it suddenly hit me how truly damaged and basically totally screwed I am. And for a while I couldn't not think about it either. And I still think about it every day... but I mostly function otherwise and am even really happy sometimes.
It'll get worse, and then it'll get better, adn then it;ll get good.

 

[LSNP]

Just catching up on this thread and reading after posting what now feels to be a very selfish post.

I'm so sorry for your injuries... all of you.

I was hurt once, by my brother, during a fit of violent rage..... blinded in one eye, though surgery has helped this since. I do know physical violence. I do know that look of revulsion and worry and fear.

I'm so sorry.

 

[Liam]

I dont think there is anything to apologize for, LSNP

 

[shell]

Weird. I do not act like other people. I am a walking ... I don't even know what to call it. I am a walking ooze.

..." and I fully realized tonight - hit me like a ton of bricks - that I am avoiding. Avoiding. Everything. Because EVERYTHING reminds me. It is never out of my mind and I am tired of fear and crying and sadness and depression.

I'll be dead before the therapist has enough one-hour time slots to help me..

I feel exactly the same. I realized I must have been strong to cope with my past for as many years as I did. Perhaps it takes more effort for me to start thinking in the present about what I am really feeling right now, than it does for me to stop feeling as If I am trapped in the past, and allowing how I felt then to consume me now. It feels like I can't except who I am, so I am avoiding everything, but most especially I am avoiding me.

 

[Froggie]

The look in the guys eyes before he unleashed on me and scooped me up and drug me off.

God that took a whole lot of guts to do that. I just hope he is haunted by that dared look you gave him (((brat17)))