What Did I Think I Was Doing

[Reds]

I haven't been home in 9 months, so I decided I should go visit my mother and everyone else at home but I think I wasn't ready for it.
I only stayed one night and I'm in a very bad place. Every wall, window and door in that house knows my pain. It wasn't long when everything started coming back, the house reminded me of who I am, the pain I have been through. I had made so much progress, life was starting to feel better
and more pleasant but I'm now back at
that dark place. The light is gone and ask is once again dark. I don't know what to do, when I feel like this I push people away and I've pushed everyone away in less than 24hrs. What was I thinking going there? I have not been able to leave my bed today, I can't even get myself to eat. I'm hopeless, there's a lot of things going on in my head.Negative feelings, questions.

 

[Kefira]

Okay, first: are you in therapy, and can you call your therapist for additional support so they can reinforce what you've been doing that's been working or at least help mitigate your current symptom flare?

I had to go home this summer, and felt rather similar. I was on the phone with one of my friends who also has PTSD so he understands at least every other night while I was there wondering out loud if I was going crazy. It took me a little while to snap back out of it once I left.

I had made so much progress, life was starting to feel better and more pleasant but I'm now back at that dark place.

The progress is still there. It may help if you can trust a bit that this is temporary, based on a serious environmental trigger, and that you haven't undone all of that work. It will be there waiting for you once you're back in a more conducive environment for you. Right now, your brain and body are just trying to keep you safe because you're more open having done so much work, and they think you need to shut down again to be safe, even though it's not true.

I'm not sure if it will help you, but something that I do when I have to go home just to stay sort of functioning is to make myself go outside the house at least once every day, even if it's just to a coffee shop or for a drive. Personally I find I start to feel a little bit better as soon as I leave for even a small amount of time and it keeps me going. I guess it reminds me that I'm not helpless, I'm not stuck there permanently, and there's a world outside I've learned to better interact with. I also try to re-frame it as a challenge to practice taking care of myself despite circumstances that are bad for my ability to do so, and remind myself it's only for a set amount of time.

I'm really sorry you're going through this right now.
:hug:s if you'll have them. You aren't alone.

 

[Jane.l]

Hi Reds are you out of there now? If not get out - I am not at a stage where I can go back 'home' yet either. There's nothing wrong with staying away if it's too overwhelming then that's just the way it is - get back to your 'cave' and be kind to yourself - ring your T - remind yourself you have choices now you can stay away from whatever and whoever you choose

 

[violetclouds]

the house reminded me of who I am,

You are NOT your abuse - the house is not WHO you are - you are WHO YOU want to be - make it happen - hugs and peace!

 

[Reds]

I had a chat with my T but it didn't go well. I took out all my negative emotions on her, I blamed her for everything. As if that was not bad enough, I also sent her many emails :(
Maybe tomorrow will be a better. I'm going back to my cave tomorrow morning.

 

[Jane.l]

Get out -and don't feel bad about it . Your T knows you well enough to know that it's fear and ptsd talking and not you. Post tomorrow and let us know how you are doing .

 

[Friday]

I did a similar sort of thing day before yesterday. If I'd thought about it, aid have known I shouldn't have done it, but I wasn't operating at a super-conscious level. It just felt like arbitrary amount of time has passed, therefore I "should" go do this thing...

... And it had really expected results. I got totally bummed and down on myself, and overwhelmed, and unable to continue moving forward.

Honestly, for me, I think it's because I've been "making friends" & seriously starting to trust a handful of people... and the fastest way to push them away is to make them not like me. (Going radio silent takes ages to shake most people). So now that I'm all bummed, I can be an asshole, and drive them away with a stick. NOT saying this is you, just where my head seems to be at. Although I do wonder if you might be trying to push your therapist away the same way I am. If I trust you? Danger Will Robinson. That means I can lose you for real, so I'd rather lose you for something even I agree is over the line. #TrustIssues.

But again, just because I did something similar, it doesn't follow our reasonings are the same. Nor the result. Just saying, yeah. I hear that. What was I thinking? Oh. Wait. That's right. I wasn't. Face palm.

 

[Reds]

I'm in a better place today. Back in my cave and things are slowly getting back to normal, " whatever normal means". I've been thinking of apologising to my therapist but again I'm a very proud person. Fridayjones you have a point, I'm very good at pushing people away especially when I don't feel safe. It's something I need to work on but it's just too hard. I hope the rest of this week will be better

 

[Jane.l]

Glad you are feeling better in your cave - maybe send your T an email if it's bothering you but I am sure she 'gets' it and you don't need to explain. Look after yourself .