What do i do now?

[Bristol]

The person who was my main ab*ser i only ever knew his first name. He was a boyfriend of a family member when i was really young and eventually he disappeared. I got told when he died some 15 years ago but other than that i didnt know much about him. My family only found out about it all after he died, and well didnt give a shit. I have spent the week going through death records and finally now have his full name and his date of birth. For the first time in the my life the question of "what was his surname" is answered and for some reason had been something i was fixated on. My question is does anyone know what i do now? It has turned into this big void of not knowing what to do now. I think i thought that once i could prove he was a real person this feeling would go away but it hasnt. The fact that he is dead makes this information pretty useless on ever getting justice/closure but i feel like im sitting on this and i dont know how to settle it. I know this doesnt sound huge but it feels overwhelming

Any suggestions would be great because i feel like im climbing the walls needing to do something, anything. I see my T on tuesday but i dont know if ill be brave enough to tell her this.

 

[Chiqui]

I will try to tell her and I will use today and tomorrow to built strenght inside so you can tell her. Hope she will help and guide you.
Best x you!

 

[Mach123]

Yes I would tell her! Please try. She will help you and knowing this will enable her to do this better. It's the same secret. It wants to come out now. This is how we get better. I know how hard it is. My therapist said to me recently, and this makes me laugh and it feels so good to laugh "here comes the end of the session bomb." She said "you talk about everything else for forty minuets and then you set off a bomb at the very end." lol I did not even realize I was doing that until she said it. Then I saw it but I don't really see the thing I'm wanting to say while I'm "talking about everything else". This will help her know you. She needs that.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

For me, releasing it by openly sharing it and seeking help was my only way through it. That doesn't mean I openly shared on a public platform to begin with. But I did have to open up to all those closest to me and to the people I was choosing for professional help. I was suffocating from the inside out and reached a point of desperation repeatedly.

Holding it inside for decades only served to make me more ill than I thought possible, yet it was all being labeled and treated many other things rather than what it really was by various professionals, and those misguided and misdiagnosed treatments were making everything worse, NOT better. I worked hard to keep "the secrets" from those I loved for so damn long, remained way too fearful to share with authoritative figures for most of my life, and then when I finally did, none of them bothered to give it the attention it needed. I was still being let down, but had to keep going.

Absolutely no one can guarantee what you will experience by opening up, but I feel I can confidently guarantee that the longer you try to keep things buried and hidden, the more you are guaranteeing one hell of a grand entrance when it arrives, in whatever form it decides to come out as. Share the data, receive the help, practice healthy self-care daily to help build resilience, and remember that you didn't make the choice to be abused, it was made for you. But you can make the choice to treat yourself better than they did.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I was gang raped and never knew any of their names. I honestly don't think it matters either. It's not the name, the face, the address or any of that that matters. It was the "act" that has us where we are now. So you deal with the act and it's aftermath, the name is just useless.

 

[heyyou]

There are other ways of getting closure. I think thats the biggest thing for you to do, and it may take some time (Rachel from Friends strategy of saying 'i'm over you' doesn't work sadly).

I think there are a bunch of ways to let those feelings inside you out. You have to express them. I think telling your therapist would REALLY help A LOT. She can share her views and since you're already in therapy you already know how relieving it can be just *telling* someone whats going on and how you feel without holding back. Another way is writing a letter to your abuser. The letter can be as long or as short as you like. All it has to do is say what you'd like to say to him, how you feel about what's happened and make him understand how much its hurt you. Once you're done you could keep it or rip it up or burn it as a symbolic release. I've found releasing things like helps soothe your soul somehow, like some of the fear and pain and ache can be done with, in some profound way. I promise it does help, so if you'd like, you can try! I think just talking with your therapist is the most important thing though!

 

[Bristol]

Thank you all for your input i do appreciate it. I dont know why i had put so much emphasis on finding out his name maybe just avoiding the actual issue but ill try and share it with T on tuesday

 

[heyyou]

Yay! Thats great! And if you don't feel ready for sharing by Tuesday, that's okay, and if you do, that's okay too. Just do what seems right and what you're comfortable with.
I don't think it was silly of you wanting to know his name. It gives you an identity and someone to actually channel your anger or sadness to. It might even become easier to let go of your trauma because it's easier to let go of them once you know who they are. At least that's what I think :)

 

[Deleted member 541]

It might even become easier to let go of your trauma because it's easier to let go of them once you know who they are. At least that's what I think :)

You never "let go" of your trauma!!!!! You WORK through it, you tear it apart piece by piece, you analyze it, you rip it apart and every emotion that you have about it. IMO, to tell someone to "let go" is just bad advice!!!!

 

[heyyou]

You never "let go" of your trauma!!!!! You WORK through it, you tear it apart piece by piece, you analy...

I didn't mean 'let go' let go sorry :/ I meant let go as in release some of your pent up emotions. That wasn't clear, I'm sorry.

 

[Mach123]

I didn't mean 'let go' let go sorry :/ I meant let go as in release some of your pent up emotions. That...

Did you read the books on Releasing? The Sedona Method? That's what it sounds like. : )

 

[heyyou]

Did you read the books on Releasing? The Sedona Method? That's what it sounds like. : )

I haven't but I find symbolic release can be amazing. Even for events that have nothing to do with my trauma I would sometimes take a rock and focus all of my fears and pain into it, then throw it away and watch it make an arc in the sky and drop down behind some trees or in the water, where I couldn't see it anymore. And I always felt freer doing that.

I actually searched up the sedona method right now and read a little about it and they're really similar. So that stone-throwing thing has a name XD