Relationship What Do I Do?

[A13]

I have a feeling this post is going to be all over the place .. just bare with me! Lol

So my story is much the same as lots of you. First year and some together was the most magical year of my life. I believed I found my soulmate. We had this incredible relationship everything made sense. We had a very honest and open relationship when it came to his PTSD and depression. (I hadn't been too well educated on ptsd in the beginning)
I learnt a lot through mental health courses, being on here, reading ALOT to give us what I thought would be the best chance. When we first met he wasn't on meds and not seeing his T!
He seemed to be holding himself VERY well. Plus I thought the sun shone out of his butt anyway lol :)

Moved in together, before long the cracks started to show. Perhaps he wasn't able to hide his bad days being under the same roof. (I didn't see any bad days before living together, even being away for a week or weekends together or sleep overs during the week)
Long story short I have tried to remain a very supportive partner. (I'm starting to loose it)
I am a very busy person, even when I'm not busy, I find something to do.
I run our home single handedly,
I pay every bill, I do all shopping, animals, all chores, laundry, cooking etc etc etc whilst working a 50 hour week and trying to keep active a few times a week for my own sanity.
I have explained to him how I'm really feeling the pressure without trying to take away from the massive pressure he is under each day and night.
That kinda goes in one ear and out the other.

The last few months for me hve been the worst. He has zero drive, he sleeps ALOT, wont communicate, doesn't want to spend much time together, doesn't want to get intimate from one month to the next, snappy; the hardest thing is most of these things are only to me, I mean he can manage to be nice and friendly to others... I feel like it's all aimed at me, and I am beginning to feel so resentful because I'm busting my balls to keep us in a lovely home, fed, warm and clean and he can't even try to pretend he wants to give me a kiss after I come back from a long day at work. I'm beginning to hate myself. Blame me for why he's always so cold and distant. I know I need to look after me but it's so damn frustrating and upsetting that it's just me he's so shit with.
I have given him more opportunity than enough to calmly discuss if it's me who isn't making him happy, if he's fallen out of love (because let's face it.. it happens)
All I ever get is I'm tired, I'm not having this conversation, if I didn't love you I wouldn't be here .. it's such a mind f*ck. He's saying all the right things but his actions scream something else.
Usually I'm just ok with it, just the last while I just can't get it. What have I done other than be so good to him to be the only person he neglects. I just want to cry my eyes out and shout at him what have I done to deserve this!!! I know that's the selfish me saying that (just for a rant, I'd never actually say that)

He is now in therapy.. after much encouragement.
I think he's doing EMDR with his T (the last time he actually discussed it he was but that was about all he mentioned)
However in the last week or two he has been put back on his anti depressants
mirtrazapine.

Obviously there is something going on deep inside which is causing this,
I love him so much and I will always bend over backwards to aid him in anyway but I'm one tired, resentful and sad supporter right now. ??

I have spoken to him very gently and briefly about the changes in our relationship however he doesn't see anything wrong or different?

Any ideas??? because I have never been more stumped ... :(

 

[TheMinsterman]

Detach yourself from it and focus on caring for yourself otherwise the fatigue and resentment will only grow. The sadness is hard to do much about because obviously you want to be with the person you're missing, but if you keep distracted and focus on keeping yourself from growing more resentful that is one first step.

As for him seeing nothing wrong or different... much trickier, my ExSO (for now) is aware that things are very different between us despite being trapped deeply in a bad spiral, I'm not sure if perhaps it's to make him feel less like everything is in chaos? Perhaps if he views you and him as ok and stable it helps him? I'm not sure, it is pure guess work there.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I agree... it sounds trite to say "self care", but caregiver fatigue and compassion burnout are real things. You need to take care of yourself too. Put just as much effort into being kind and understanding to yourself as you do into him.

Sometimes it's easier to start with the physical... get plenty of rest, eat good food, make sure to get in some exercise. You'd be surprised how much better just that can make you feel when you're stressed. Then move onto to the emotional. Have some self compassion. Take time for yourself, friends, and family. Get as much Christmas outside support as you can.

 

[A13]

@TheMinsterman Thank you for the comments. My only fear with detaching is that we just grow further and further apart but I guess I have nothing to loose. It's so strange how someone else can control your emotions if you allow it. I think your right tho about the not noticing changes, usually i just brush myself down after something like this and start fighting for us again. This time I just feel like I've run out of fight!!
@Sweetpea76 Thanks those are some good ideas. I just struggle to find time for myself but it is necessary .. il just have to make time and make a conscious effort to do me!!

 

[TheMinsterman]

Perhaps you will drift apart, maybe you will decide you've lost the fight this time too. That's the thing though, you have to do what is best for you as well not just them, if your body and mind is starting to tell you that you're done then maybe you are? Or perhaps you'll get the recharge you need to really effectively support them?

It's very difficult I do understand, a break was just what me and my sufferer needed initially, we started talking again and were back to our old selves, sadly this didn't last due to external factors causing her stress again and a retreat back to feeling bad, but perhaps for you just detaching a little and giving some space could have long term benefits as the situation I am in that dragged her back in is completely different.

You've got to be ready and able to help and support, if you let yourself get worn down and resentful you'll be no help, trust me.

 

[A13]

@TheMinsterman Thank you!! You sound like your speaking from experience and I appreciate all the advice.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Yes, unfortunately I highly doubt mine will have anything approaching a happy ending (even if it does, it won't be for some time any way) so I am hoping I can help others on here by sharing my own experiences.

It's very hard, if we are empathetic people we're hardwired to want to help our partners and others we care about, yet in this situation sometimes we have to understand "help" is actually taking a step back, not being so directly involved and caring for ourselves. It is vital because the space can help them but more importantly, you're preparing yourself for any eventuality.

You break up? It'll hurt, but you'll be in a better position to process the termination of your relationship than if you had it dropped on your during a period of intense long term stress that you allowed yourself to be dragged into.

You reconcile? You'll be in a healthier place mentally to welcome them back with open arms and resolve and lingering problems calmly and maturely rather than hanging onto them bitterly and turning it into a game of "listing your grievances".

I completely understand the pain, I was such a mess for probably two months, only now do I have a strange feeling of "acceptance" and "what will be will be", it is unfortunately the best place to get yourself if this is for the long haul or you feel yourself edging towards it potentially coming to a close.