What Do You Do After Saying Hateful Things To Your Therapist?

[Reds]

After the last session with my t, I sent her hateful emails which she didn't respond to. She honestly did nothing wrong but I just went off at her. I am not sure why I was so hateful and why I took it out on her. As you know by now I have a great t. I didn't apologize! a part of me wanted her to terminate the relationship so I can prove to myself that no one can stand me. We'll she didn't, instead she made me aware she looking forward to see me on Monday.

I was excited that she was looking forward to seeing me but now I am starting to think she probably hates me for the things I said in the emails. She will probably ask me about the emails and I don't know how I'll defend myself.

Maybe I should just cancel the appointment. Or just stop seeing her completely. Why did I say the things I said in those emails? She is so kind, caring and everything one would wish in a mother or in any relationship but why do I keep biting her head off over nothing? Do you ever find yourself going off at people who are nice and caring? I am just a lost case

This woman is trying to help me but I am fighting her, why???

 

[Reds]

This woman is trying to help me but I am fighting her, why???

 

[Hashi]

I think the reason why is probably because therapy brings up so many incredibly difficult feelings that are hard to handle. The therapist is a safe person to act these out with. If we feel angry at someone or something, we often express that anger towards the therapist even though they weren't responsible for it. This is something that happens with lots of us in therapy.

I suggest telling your therapist what you've said here. I doubt that she hates you for what you said in the emails. Like I said, this is the kind of thing that happens with therapy. I imagine that your therapist will not be surprised at this kind of reaction from a client, and will only want to help you process it.

 

[digger]

a part of me wanted her to terminate the relationship so I can prove to myself that no one can stand me.

I think you've got your answer, or at least part of it, right there.

Perhaps on some level you are testing her to see how she will react in different situations. Whether she will be consistent with you, or whether she will reject you or react in some way unprofessionally. I'm sure a lot of people with trust issues will test the water with their therapists, and other people, in some ways. I've only realised recently and with hindsight that I have done this, not in the way you have here, but I've certainly tested her to check out her reactions to things and it was not a conscious thing really.

Maybe I should just cancel the appointment. Or just stop seeing her completely

This makes me wonder if on some level also you want to do something, or have someone else do something that will let you off the hook of dealing with things right now. Are you perhaps feeling overwhelmed by the pace that your therapy is going at at the moment? Does it seem like it is too much, too fast? If so, you need to discuss this with her and say that you need to slow things down a bit. Assuming that you are in therapy through choice, then having some ownership of how the sessions go is important.

I suggest telling your therapist what you've said here.

Agree. I think some time spent talking honestly about the sessions and how you feel they are going rather than just 'doing' the session could be really valuable to you both at this point.

 

[Mayday]

probably because therapy brings up so many incredibly difficult feelings that are hard to handle

Definitely this. Plus I sometimes find that being treated nicely brings up uncomfortable feelings too and I will push people away.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Two sessions ago my therapist told me I would do just this at some point during having therapy - get angry and say things to insult her, to feel such hatred and/or fear and disgust at the sessions I wanted to quit and that when ever that happened that it would all be OK. Because firstly it would be normal, secondly she wasn't going anywhere and third that it would be good as it would been therapy was working and I was making progress.

This terrifies me as I never want to be unpleasant or rude towards anyone, let alone horrible. Especially towards someone who's trying to help me. Maybe what she was trying to do was let me know if something like was has happened here did happen to me, that would be OK and she wouldn't take it to heart and she wouldn't think less of me for being that way. The only thing is I think I would, but hopefully her words can help you a little too.

 

[Jane.l]

You could email an apology ahead of seeing her and just explain whats going on for you a bit. It might make you feel a little less stressed about seeing her.

I often tell my T when I am mad with him even if he has done nothing. I tell him I am not sure I want to carry on seeing him but I know I need him. He is always fine about it. I think it is part testing to see if they are trustworthy and part just all the difficult feelings that are flying around. I sometimes feel angry with him after a session that's taken me to deep and dark places because he made me go there but I tell him and he says its ok to be mad at him - its understandable.

So as the others have said maybe you and your T can talk through why you reacted that way and she may well be able to tell you where these feelings are coming from and then it will all make more sense.

Good luck.

 

[NovemberStar]

I agree - you can't take back the email you sent but you CAN email her what you've said in this post. Copy and paste it and send it!

Transference is common in therapy. She will help you explore who your anger is REALLY at - of why it is there.

You can do this - but I think you need to email her with this now.

 

[Reds]

Thank you all, I had a great session with my t on Monday. However I think it was my last. I think she might be getting tired of me and my issues.

 

[zaniara]

@Reds why do you think that? Did she say that or is it your fear telling you to hit the road?

 

[Reds]

I just feel tired of therapy not to mention that it's costly. I think I just want to be on my own and see if I can't fight through this on my own.

 

[digger]

I think she might be getting tired of me and my issues.

I just feel tired of therapy

They're two quite different things really aren't they? If it's the second one then, for me anyway, I think it'd be more that I was getting tired of me and my issues. Might be worth considering? Sometimes at points like this it is easier to tell ourselves that they must be bored of us. It kind of lets us off the hook a bit - "I didn't give up on therapy, it gave up on me"... Maybe? I'm just thinking out loud really but the two parts of your first statement don't sit that well together for me. You said you had a great session and then said that you thought she was getting tired of you. I wouldn't expect to be feeling that response from her from a 'great session'.

The times when I have felt this way, and this is more with hindsight than understanding it properly at the time, but the times when I've come closest to giving up on therapy, have come immediately before times when we've then made bigger progress. I have used the "I'm sure she must be tired of me by now" line, and "I'm sure she's going to say at my next session that she thinks I should find someone else" lines to myself - and I believe them! I still do wonder why the hell she's still sticking with it. It is unfathomable to me, because why would someone stick with me? I'm not worthy of that...etc etc

I think the reason we've then made steps forward after these points though is that they've allowed me to re-evaluate what I want from therapy and forced me to make the decision to either step things up a notch and make sure it's worth my time and hers, or to give up on it.

When I came to this forum, it was one of those points. I really couldn't see how we could move things forward, was scared that she was going to quit because it wasn't moving forward and was ready to cut the ties before she did because it would be less painful that way. But talking here and writing things down helped me to clarify the situation and to think of other outcomes and how to move towards achieving them. And we have moved forwards hugely since then.

Therapy is difficult. Choosing to step things up a notch is difficult. Choosing to make yourself vulnerable to someone week after week after week is difficult. Choosing to expose yourself to your own triggers week after week after week when you spend most of your days trying to avoid them is difficult. But I honestly don't think that I would be able to 'fight through this on my own'. I've tried that and it wasn't pretty!

Everyone is different of course, and this might not apply to you at all, but I just wanted to offer you another perspective on it.