"what Do You Need From Me?"

[UnicornSightings]

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

I'm cracking up again. You are too funny. I mean, I know it's dark funny, but f...

Exact same here! I thought I'd be in therapy a few months!!! Too damn funny. How naive we were. I thought all I would have to do is talk about my past to someone and the floodgates would open and then everything would be different.

Little did we know it's an absolute lifelong process. Not all in therapy, of course. But you don't ever finish changing and growing and healing. It's really a cool path to be on when it doesn't suck ass.

So, if you could, tell me how attachment heals? I mean, I've felt and feel the pain of it and the opposite warm, fuzzy stuff and I talk about it with her but nothing changes in me. There isn't a wound that is now closing. It's more of a 'thank f*ck I'm stable or I'd probably stalk my therapist' kinda thing...

Btw thank you for taking the time to reply and offer your opinion. All of you, thanks. :)

And Hope4Now, want to share more of your story?

 

[Hope4Now]

tell me how attachment heals?

And ain't that the question. I have read gobs of material on attachment, but you can't heal from reading. Well, for like two years I thought I could. Now, I'm just an extraordinarily well-informed but still very fragmented person. Bleh.

The main way attachment wounds heal is through developing secure attachment now. Some therapists know a lot about how to do this, others do it sort of intuitively, and still others are pretty clueless from what I gather. I have been very lucky in having found both a therapist and a psychiatrist who are quite helpful even though they don't "specialize" in attachment issues. (Like seriously lucky...I picked my therapist out from his picture on a web page!)

Basically there's four kinds of attachment that develop in infants: secure (the goal!), insecure (clingy and anxious), avoidant (runaway and anxious), and disorganized (come here/go away). The last is often what happens when a young child is abused by their parents/caregivers...very confusing because those who are meant to be the source of love are also the source of danger. I am the last, apparently (my therapist said at one point I was like a wild animal with trusting...come close/run away).

So attachment wounds heal by developing a securely attached relationship--usually with a therapist first (I suspect this is because they ask very little of you and are generally safe and non-threatening). It's a long process. Lots of eye contact is good if you can do it. I really struggle with this when I am talking about myself or anything emotional. I know my therapist's shoes in intimate detail. LOL. Along with the attachment, you work on processing the traumas that led to the attachment wounds in the first place. This has to be done with a therapy that incorporates some kind of somatic work, because the wounds are "in" the body. Then somewhere along the way, the attachment spreads to other trustworthy souls (human and/or animal) and is less focused on the therapist for meeting those needs. Also somewhere along the way, the traumas get put into the past, and the needy young parts of you are healed. And tah-dah, you become a person with a secure attachment style.

And Hope4Now, want to share more of your story?

Argh. Yes I want to, but no I won't because I always write too much and overcomplicate things. I have a diary if you want to get like ten buckets of popcorn and a pillow to go to sleep on. It's called Strange Star.

 

[Deleted member 41765]

Now, I'm just an extraordinarily well-informed but still very fragmented person. Bleh.

Oh can I ever relate to this! "READ ALL THE THINGS" was my way of life for a while and, while educating ourselves is a good beginning, I quickly learned it is the beginning...

 

[UnicornSightings]

Had therapy today. She told me I was overthinking it lol. Just "what would you like from me"

Got really irritated with her today. And frustrated. And now I'm back to thinking she's the best thing ever. This sucks so much.

 

[Hope4Now]

If it is any consolation at all, my therapist perpetually tells me I am overthinking things.

Also, I have been with my husband for nearly 27 years, and we both go back and forth between being completely irritated with or frustrated by each other, to falling in love all over again. I think the nature of any close relationship is pretty bumpy terrain.

 

[Deleted member 41765]

f it is any consolation at all, my therapist perpetually tells me I am overthinking things.

Ditto!

 

[The Albatross]

Yup, good on her, "She told me I was overthinking it".

 

[UnicornSightings]

If it is any consolation at all, my therapist perpetually tells me I am overthinking things.

Also, I...

It didn't post my laughing face. It IS pretty funny. You have to laugh at it. I told her I want to check in most weeks about our relationship. To tell her if I've been obsessing about her lol!!! Every other minute I want to quit therapy now. Prob not the best time but I'd like to focus on my own life and not her so much.

 

[Deleted member 41765]

up, good on her, "She told me I was overthinking it".

And you, Albatross, you are blissfully free from this experience? How fortunate.

 

[Hope4Now]

@UnicornSightings, not to belabor the attachment thing, but I will anyway. You seem disturbed that you are obsessing about your therapist. Again, I don't know your whole story or the nature of your obsession, but if I'm reading correctly it seems that you are caught in the waffle iron between wanting to leave her so you can be more independent vs. thinking about her all the time and wishing she could meet all your unmet needs for love and listening and protection and acceptance--all those things you missed as a kid. Or...maybe I'm just projecting my own issues on yours--very possible.

Anyway, if it's helpful, "obsessing" in either way is a very normal part of resolving trauma and attachment. If we run away to be independent before we are reasonably healed, we just throw ourselves back into the maelstrom of suffering alone without anybody's help but our own (back to childhood). It's okay to obsess some, so long as we're not stalking our therapists. It is part of developing the attachment we need to heal. Young children obsess about their parents--of course they do--their parents (the good enough ones) are their source of learning and comfort. The source of safety that helps them launch out into independence. Children with secure attachment develop introjects of their loving/safety figures that enable them to develop a sense of themselves. Watch a toddler sometimes--s/he breaks away from mom or dad to go explore, but runs back all the time. This is a normal part of growing an independent self. Eventually, the child introjects the parent enough into their own system that they can have longer periods of independence when the parent isn't visible or easily reachable.

What we do with our good enough therapists is the same thing. We may be inhabiting adult bodies, and we may be horrified by our childlike needs, but really we are engaging in therapy, in part, to develop the attachment we never managed as children.

Don't be so hard on yourself if you can manage it. Let that introject of your therapist you've created help you gain courage and strength for your healing. It's a healthy thing. You'll know when you're ready to move on.

 

[The Albatross]

@ShikibuZ Sarcasm is optional, if you want to ask me a question you can do it without the presumption. I have been in recovery for quite a long time and it took a long time to get out of the behavior to overthink, ruminate, and compulsively obsess. It is doable and can be resolved... with work.

 

[Ariadne]

maybe what you need (from what I've been seeing) is to be given credit for how far you've come?

I dunno, honestly right now I feel like I'm flailing. I had JUST gotten my infant self attached to my former T when she abandoned me, so if you've got one that isn't running in fear or acting like your feelings are scary or dangerous, be grateful! I'd give almost anything to have mine back but I can't.