I'm super jealous of her friends
Yeah, I totally get not wanting to talk about that with her...or even some of the other stuff. A LOT of weird-shit stuff about my therapist and psychiatrist runs through my head regularly. I was just thinking yesterday how grateful I am that nobody can read my mind. How wildly embarrassed I would be if they knew! One time, though, I did talk about something that happened in my "inner world" with my therapist helping one of my parts. I'm not sure what gave me the courage to do so. Anyway, he was nonplussed. Just said it was good if his showing up in my inner world was helpful. And that this is the sort of thing he signed on for when he became a therapist. LOL. For me it was a BIG DEAL. For him...no big deal.
I feel we aren't making progress and sometimes I think the only reason I stay is because I'm so attached.
Have you talked with her about feeling like you're not making progress? Have you identified what progress is for you? If this is a persistent feeling, it is worth exploring with her. I have weeks where I feel like we do nothing, make no progress. But then suddenly something will shift and I will get some new insight, or have an interaction with him that is extraordinarily helpful. Again, I can only speak for myself in this because I don't know what your struggles are. But for me, the regular twice a week, predictable relationship with someone who behaves towards me the way I need to learn to behave toward myself...that is where much of my healing is coming from. So even if we spend the session chatting about things and it doesn't feel like "therapy," it actually is for me. Just a thought.
I CRIED during brainspotting!
So cool you tried that. I have heard of it, but need to look it up again. I think it is great to do therapeutic work beyond just your therapist. I have done a million things over the past few years. Some helpful, some not.
I can solve everything intellectually which is why I'm freaking out about this transference stuff in which I can't reason away all these feelings.
I totally get this. I have a part I call "The Thinker," and spent like two years getting it to calm down and step aside a bit so I could access other parts of myself! The awful part about what you wrote here is that when intellectualizers like us try to reason away the feelings and it doesn't work, we beat on ourselves for it. I hope you can acknowledge the nature of the feelings and just be with them in a self-compassionate and accepting way, knowing that part(s) of you need this connection with your therapist.
