Dom Violence What Do You Think Makes You Vulnerable/ Susceptible To Domestic Violence?

[Sunshine_and_hope]

I think the main theme for women who end up with abusive partners (myself included) is being vulnerable, whether this is due to childhood abuse or needing to feel loved. Men who abuse women have to be able do so with complete compliance from the women therefore need to condition them into sticking around. A tutor once explained this using a reference to the Nazi regime... She said how could one man reign so much terror yet gain so many supporters? It's because he conditioned his followers. I feel like it's process of grooming.... But women who are already vulnerable are already "half the job done" and don't nee as much working on non vulnerable women. It's a sick world out there but most abusers aren't just spontaneous opportunists they spend time mouldin and shaping the woman to finally reach a stage whereby they don't run from the violence. A lot of effort goes into this...

For me, even though I suffer with PTSD, I have always concentrated on independence as an incentive to gain confidence now iv left... I feel like for each step I take towards a goal I have or the future I've been dreaming of is a one step iv taken away from "him".... I also stand up for myself now and iv gained confidence doing that. Having a wonderful partner helps and being able to set my own boundaries as to what I feel is acceptable in a relationship has helped me gain some self worth back.

Apart from the PTSD (which I'm having therapy for) there is light at the end of the tunnel and if u act like a strong woman for long enough then you will start to naturally feel it... (Learned behaviour I guess) it's hard to force yourself to act so strong and very tiring but it will one day click. And to stop the cycle of abuse? Love yourself and be a strong independent woman because the abusers aren't usually attracted to them (theyr too hard to break down I guess).
Sorry if I may have offended anyone but wish every woman out there can realise her true unique beauty inside ad be empowered x

 

[Friday]

Some of the most amazing men I've ever dated have been very violent, and some (probable PTSD) with control issues. I don't consider these men abusive. They would never have hurt me on purpose in a million years. Dude. Wake. Up. I need to breathe here. Hello. Hello. Earth to wherever the hell your head is at.

I did get locked into the cycle of abuse with 2 guys, though.

Outside, looking back, there's this really clear line. A chasm of difference between my last two boyfriends and all the rest.

For me, yep. Not only did they do the frog boiling in water bit to ramp up to WTF behavior (it literally took a shotgun in my mouth to realize that beaux #1 might not be a good idea he did such a good job of it, and I was so sick by then it took weeks before realizing he wasn't trying to kill himself, but me. Yeah. Idiot.)... But also the inverse... I was used to dating good men. I came from an amazing family. I'm used to the people I love being honest with me. And I'm exMilitary. I'm supposed to be able to "handle" myself. A vanity thing. A pride thing. Because I'm a mediocre fighter at best. But I was still better than either of these guys. Since I technically could stop either of them whenever I wanted to (neither had any kind of real training) it added another layer of 'my fault' and illusion of control. So not just the 'I should have known not to ______ (do totally ordinary thing) because it would make them mad'... But also if it happened, I clearly let it. Double down. My fault for causing it, and my fault for not stopping it. Talk about head in a blender. Sheesh.

It took a couple of years of not dating for me to be able to really parse exactly what the differences are between my last two mistakes and all the men who came before them. My head was so screwed up it was simply a big tangled mess. Now, though, that line is wicked clear. Gulf clear. It took a lot of distance, though. Years of distance.

I knew a lot of guys in the military in abusive relationships. These women were pure freaking evil from the outside looking in. That belief of 'I can handle myself' meant a whole lot of broken bones and hearts. The people you love should have your back. Not stab you in it. The belief that they do, despite all the evidence to the contrary? The blame shifting to 'my fault'? It's poison.

 

[didithappen]

I grew up in a house with a father that was an angry alcoholic, nothing I ever did was good enough, the targets set were never achievable, because you never knew what they were.

Even now he is still the same, he has cut me off as a "disappointment" so many times over the years.

I was abused as a child and teenager. And for the past 21 years by my wife.

She took our son and ran at my mothers funeral, and made wild accusations, my fathers response was "well you don't deserve to be a dad".

Like above, always trying to please others, to the point of being taken for a ride many times, stomped over and thrown aside.

I am too trusting, and I do not know why I so easily trust others. Been trying to address it for years, cannot find why, or how to change it.

Even asked my therapist "Am I destined to be abused for the rest of my life", we are still working on that one.

 

[Ms. DeeSurvivor]

@intothelight's list above pretty much sums up my childhood. I was also a people pleaser....

Thank you