What Does A Normal Marriage Look Like?

[Gs172003]

I sincerely hope that EVERYONE washes their hands after going to the potty/loo/bathroom.....and no, I don...

As somebody that cleans them all day long...they do.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Quote.........."I didn't have a normal marriage"

Is there such a thing???

Everyone has their own normal. I decided after I got divorced, that my marriage wasn't normal. It wasn't anywhere near normal...

 

[Sandstone]

Something works, obviously. I think I found someone incredibly compassionate and nurturing who can see thru my muck to the good points and is enamored by my lust for life.

I do like this, it sounds very like my own marriage. We are currently practicing telling each other a good thing about ourselves and about the other each day - remarkably hard! Yesterday, his good thing about me was that I inspire him to do things he wouldn't otherwise have considered.

people argue, but it's done in a manner that isn't destructive, it isn't derogatory, it isn't hurtful.

fair way (hearing out the other, respecting the other's opinions, respecting the other's feelings, etc) to fight.

I think that is the tricky bit. If explaining the problem is going to hurt the other, how do you go round that? Specially with someone who believes that automatic harmony is normal? Making OH see that he actually finds it incredibly hard to praise anyone did hurt him, but that inability hurt me.

I sincerely hope that EVERYONE washes their hands after going to the potty/loo/bathroom

I don't believe in normal as anything other than an act people do to appear to conform in public

I picked the hand washing as an example, because it is apparent that is how my mother saw that. She never washed her hands, and even in a public loo would find a reason not to "washes all your hand cream off" So my mental map of reality said that this was one of the things where people pay lip service, but don't actually do it.

whether you are meant to dust your vacuum cleaner - an idea that never occurred to me till in my thirties I saw someone do it. Knowing that my mother's standards were questionable, I added it to my list of what normal looked like. Who knows?

whether neighbours are meant to despise each other - another parental maxim. There were lists of reasons why everyone we lived near was unacceptable ranging from cruel their dog through to their surname sounds crude if you mispronounce it.

how much effort you are meant to put into getting the last of the toothpaste out the tube - in my childhood, at least 20 minutes, finally to include cutting the metal tube open and sticking a skewer through the nozzle. Said skewer to be licked clean and replaced, unwashed, in the drawer.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Sandstone I think that anytime two people are discussing something, or even a heated discussion, someone may have their feelings hurt. It's part of life, it's part of relationships, friendships. It's when it's done to purposely hurt someone that it's wrong IMO.

I also think that there is no right or wrong way to do things. So if you spend 20 minutes trying to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube, we'll ok. I might find it weird, but you may find my way of scrapping the butter out of the container weird.

For me.... we all have our own normal, even if others find us weird or abnormal, no two people do things the same way. We are all different, and we all do things differently. So one persons normal, isn't someone else's. It's not wrong, it's just different.

 

[rosey]

@Sandstone as i said on another thread awhile ago "normal is only a wash cycle" there is no standard and if there was we would all be boringly similar.

I am so with you though on not knowing what is a general rule, flow of things etc. I too struggle to know what things are common place or not. I learn every day and make mistakes frequently even at the age of 40 I am still finding new areas that I havent a clue about. I was discussing this with my therapist the other day. people assume that CSA only steals your childhood, it doesnt and in fact with childhood being only a short time frame in a life span it steals much of your life for the very reason that you pinpoint. As a mum I constantly doubt 'is that what childhood should look like?' 'do siblings really do that?' 'how often should one clean ones toilet?' on the is list goes on and on and on.

It is hard much of the time but on a plus note it gives me the chance to decide what works for me rather than simply following past rules.

On a side i cannot believe that people would not clean their vacuum cleaner.... how can you clean with something that you have not kept clean, mine gets very frequent anti bac wiped. but then than could just me my OCD which is my 'normal'

 

[sun seeker]

I don't know what a normal anything looks like.

Oh my goodness, can I ever relate to this problem! I expect it comes from a combination of neglect and how much energy it takes to deal with abuse during key developmental windows. You put it very well. I feel like I need lessons in basic living skills or something...

 

[Gs172003]

Not mine

 

[Gadgie]

Quote......."mine gets very frequent anti bac wiped. but then than could just me my OCD which is my 'normal'"


Oh! dear, I must be worse then, as I wash mine out after I've emptied it?

It's plastic, so I take it all apart, then wash them, let it dry, and rebuild? Now that's really sad! Lol

 

[joeylittle]

I'd suggest replacing the word 'normal' with 'working' - as in, what's it like to have a working relationship? One that functions as you would like it to...which means, what would you like it to be?

Some things are pretty common across all functional relationships...communication generally working, mutual respect, love, and trust, a genuine interest in each others' well-being, an honest interest in finding the solutions that work for both of you...probably some others.

But as to how those things are manifest, and what the other things might be - those are really up to you.

If you were to make a list of the traits/values that you would like in your relationship, what would they be?

 

[anthony]

What does "normal" anything look like? Define normal to define your aim. In a world full of individuals, is normal the majority? Is normal the minority? Is normal something in-between?

Maybe you should look at what you want, what you won't sacrifice, what is negotiable and what you can live with.

 

[Sandstone]

what's it like to have a working relationship? One that functions as you would like it to...which means, what would you like it to be?

I think it is a good, working marriage anyway. I'd say that day to day all the things you list are there anyway.

communication generally working, mutual respect, love, and trust, a genuine interest in each others' well-being, an honest interest in finding the solutions that work for both of you

I'd add to that genuine pleasure in each others company

We have worked our way through all sorts of things in the fourteen years we have been together - step parenting, mental health issues, job losses and insecurity, impacts of past spouses... I think the biggest area of difference is communication styles and expectations. You have to remember that by choice and nature, OH would say very little. He has made a huge effort to change that, because it matters to me, and I love him for it. He also honestly believes that in a good marriage there should be no need to resolve things, because there will be no disagreement. It was a genuine shock to him when the honeymoon phase ended and those disagreements and differences appeared.

That preference for non-communication means that he will generally not say what he wants, which drives me crazy. Either he goes straight ahead and does whatever because it is obvious to him that it is good so I must want it too, or, more often, I ask him and he says he doesn't mind. Often he doesn't, but sometimes he has a preference and won't express it. I hate having to guess what he wants so I can strike what seems a fair balance.

That all combines with my awareness of my warped PTSD judgement to make me doubt the validity of what I perceive as my needs. There are so many inner and outer conflicts that it is hard to be sure a) that they are actually needs; b) that it is generally reasonable to express them and ask for them to be met; c) that is reasonable to ask this particular man to do things contrary to his nature to meet them.

I know that if I told him any physical action would help my PTSD it would be done as fast as was in his power. But sometimes the emotional stuff isn't within his power. In the past, I was generally confident that the emotional style I aspired to was basically right even if I didn't always get there. Now I no longer trust my judgement, and that makes my role as "emotional lead" much more complicated. Hence the question I began the thread with "What am I aiming for?"

 

[joeylittle]

That preference for non-communication means that he will generally not say what he wants, which drives me crazy. Either he goes straight ahead and does whatever because it is obvious to him that it is good so I must want it too, or, more often, I ask him and he says he doesn't mind. Often he doesn't, but sometimes he has a preference and won't express it. I hate having to guess what he wants so I can strike what seems a fair balance.

Honestly - this paragraph is very clear, and your last sentence seems to articulate what you are shooting for...you'd like to stop trying to anticipate/guess his thoughts/opinions. I suppose some of that would be working to take him at his word - so when he says he doesn't mind, really just accepting that (which it sounds like you already do) - and not wondering if he's got a preference he's not stating.

When you ask him a question that would be answered by 'I don't mind' - are you asking him what he would like, only? Or are you including what your preference is?

(And forgive me if I'm not completely grasping the point...some of what you are describing sounds just enough like my ex that I may be getting off on the wrong train of thought)