What Does A Supporter Do To Help?

[PTSD sufferer]

Supporters are just people too. We make mistakes like everyone else. You can't guess what environment they came out of and what they may also suffer from. They may not even know themselves.

This is really important. We sometimes become so consumed that we forget that even people who have not suffered trauma have their own insecurities and core beliefs. They probably don't know this about themselves, and we (suffers) have a capacity to hurt our supporters because of their own insecurities. So we need to practice mindfulness.

We all have our imperfections and we all make mistakes, that is human nature. You will probably find that the supporter that you spend the most time with, has an openness to their own personal growth as much as being a supporter to you. You can grow together on this journey.

Take it slow, and try to practice mindfulness with them.

P.S Bear, you never say stupid things and to offer encouragement is a HUGE gift. I think the world needs far more encouraging people. I am pretty sure you have very many gifts. Angel is lucky to have you by her side!

I prefer short stories, its easier to concentrate on them...if they are too long, I end up skimming or just skipping to the last page and spoil the story with my impatience :D.

 

[Bubba]

Fundamentally I want my supporters to view and treat me as a human being, a friend, and a normal person. I don't want to be "your friend with PTSD...", I just want to be "your friend". I don't want to feel or be treated like a charity case or community service project and am phobic of do-gooders. If you can't treat me like a person, feel able to confide in me to an appropriate extent just as I confide in you to the same extent, and view my illness as simply a part of who I am, then our friendship will not endure.

This is a fascinating topic...
Maddog

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Maddog - you are right on! I wish that people would just "accept me"...

 

[angel2write]

I think one of the best things Bear does for me is provide perspective.

I'm so mixed up. Things I remember from the past bring up bad feelings. Horrible shame or guilt. But I have a tendency to think that I am the bad one, or I did something bad to earn it or deserve it.

When I tell my husband about it, sometimes he'll say, "That was a bad thing for him to do. He shouldn't have done that." or "That was wrong. That was evil. They shouldn't have said that."

Then I feel better. It wasn't me that did the bad thing. It was them. What a revelation!!

It's really hard for me to open up and talk about these things that I feel so horrible about. But until I do it, and get a sane perspective, I'm stuck with this festering fear that I did something wrong.

Bear is my best perspective person, but some of my other friends do it, too. Whenever I can crack open the cupboard a little and share a secret with a safe person, their reaction and responses can help heal me. I really liked what he said about sharing with unsafe people, too. I've made some bad choices in the past. And it really hurts when you trust the wrong person. But working to find good people is worth stumbling over some bad ones.

 

[Tinyflame]

That's exactly how it is Angel, I cannot trust myself to not blame myself, it has to be the perspective of someone who I believe will tell the truth objectively.

It's such a relief to hear of a perspective that isn't all-blaming yourself, though I have no desire to 'ask', either. Somehow, or sometimes though, I wish I could ask a specific question, or more so they'd be able to say through osmosis.
But, then, I also have to be prepared for rejection or secondary wounding or just to hear, "yes it was my fault" (or something worse, also), too.

 

[BigBear]

JB,

I am sooooooo proud of you! You are doing such great work lately!:tup::cool:

Bear

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Bear, only you would say that! Thank you so much, feel like a mess.

 

[maddog]

A big part of what I need from others is honesty, brutally so if necessary. I need to know that the person will not pull punches with me on account of worrying about upsetting or offending me, even if the truth does upset and offend me. Whatever it is, I would rather hear it and deal with it than not, and perhaps the most important premise behind this approach is that if I can trust my supporters to be honest with me about things that are my fault and things I have done wrong, then there is some slightly greater chance I will be able to trust and believe them when they tell me that something isn't my fault.

Like so many here, I wear shame and self blame and loathing like a 2nd skin, and the ceaseless clamourings of people that nothing is my fault and I am all good and wonderful and beyond reproach are undoubtedly some of the most distressing forms of input I can hear. Encouragement to feel self forgiveness and compassion is always awkwardly and painfully received by me, but if it's coming from someone who I know would tell me the truth to the best of their ability, sometimes I can work that little bit harder to internalise it.

Maddog

 

[angel2write]

Like so many here, I wear shame and self blame and loathing like a 2nd skin, and the ceaseless clamourings of people that nothing is my fault and I am all good and wonderful and beyond reproach are undoubtedly some of the most distressing forms of input I can hear.

I really hear you on this. I hate it when someone starts talking about how good and wonderful I am... it really hurts. I am acutely aware of my flaws and failings, and it's painful to have someone talk to me like I'm this terrific person.

They seem to see a difference between the mistakes I make and the quality of the person I am, though. I've had people tell me that you can be a really good person and still make bad mistakes from time to time. I'm just not capable of separating my sense of my actions from my sense of self, if you know what I mean. Bad action means bad self.

Though when I look at other people, like my husband, or my children, or YOU, Maddog, I see good, sweet caring people who just make mistakes from time to time. So I guess it's another case of having my perspective about myself warped by my past.

Something I am working on with my husband, though, is compliments. I've asked him to stop telling me what a wonderful woman and wife I am (which freaks me out) and instead, give specific feedback. Like, "The kitchen you cleaned looks really nice," or, "I'm proud of you for taking care of the kids today when you were feeling bad." Those limited compliments are easier for me to accept than sweeping statements about my putative "goodness."

 

[Tinyflame]

Though you are both deserving of those compliments Angel, you and MD.

 

[Eleanor]

Thanks Angel, I kind of half know about the specificity thing - and it helps to be reminded and have it clarified as to WHY it is important to do (especially on days that I cannot remember what the thing is called that the coffee gets poured into :eek:) When I am exhausted just finding the Words is a struggle.

Shame (when globalized) is a serious design flaw, I'm starting to think. Clearly some kind of fail-safe/reset is needed.

I had to laugh, maddog, when your wrote about needing someone who would not pull punches (stay with me here) because in physical life I tend to tell the truth (rather unvarnished) first and think/edit later - and I have the bruises on my calves and feet from my best friend kicking me to shut up in meetings to prove it! "Bull in a china shop" is a phrase that gets tossed around. I tell my students "I am never nice. I don't say things that are not true to make you feel good. I gave it up. If I say you did a good job, its just a fact. You did." I work hard to make critical comments in a non-sarcastic way :oops:, can't say I always succeed there.

I think it is worth observing that we get a kind of "distillation" of each other on here - and that level of function, or crisis, or pain seems to have little or nothing to do with our perceptions of each other's intrinsic worth or value - or indeed how valuable we can be to each other. Even at our low(est?) points - we are capable of saving each other's lives. It's humbling. In a good way.

 

[BigBear]

Just remember, we are all different. No one set of rules is going to work for everyone. Some need the full cold shower of reality. Some are still suffering so bad that first we've got to build them up to the point that they could place reality in their visual scale.

Also, remember that the sufferer may not necessarily know what they need. Suppose that they won't take care of them selves. As a supporter, it is our duty not to support self destruction.

A wise supporter is much more important than a smart supporter!

Bear

 

[Tinyflame]

And a kind understanding one.
Thanks Bear.