What does being stable look like?

[FauxLiz]

This morning in session my T and I disagreed on whether or not I am stable enough to really dig into my heavy traumas (molestation/incest and multiple rapes) we have been working on stabilization and what I consider lesser traumas (MVA that should have killed me, emotional and physical neglect/abuse by parents) and I think that I have come a long way. I have eliminated methods of self harm, significantly reduced alcohol use (from 4+ per day to 2-6 per week) and I made the comment this morning that I thought I was stable enough to begin the harder work. He disagreed that what I consider stable to him is point H on an A to Z scale. This to me was very disheartening and I really don't know what more/where he thinks I need to be to do the hard work.

So my question for everyone is what did it mean/look like when you were considered stable enough by your T to really begin the hard work. Am I missing a piece of the puzzle that I just can't see?

 

[EveHarrington]

Can I ask if you have learned a lot of coping skills? Have you been practicing them for awhile and can use them when you need them?

:hug:

 

[Friday]

For me it looks like I'm squared away, & my life put together; I'm if not asymptomatic, my symptoms are very well managed.

If I'm stable?

- I have a job, a home, solid relationships, and safety nets (so it wouldn't be a crisis if I lost my job, had to move, or one of my relationships ended). A stressor? Sure. But not a crisis.

- My symptoms aren't ruling my life. They may still be there, but I'm handling them & my life in such a way that I'm both functional, and able to remain functional... Even if there were to be a massive spike in symptoms. Stress management = Top Notch. Emotional monitoring & regulation = gangbusters.

- I have time built in for symptom spikes. So I can take 3 days (or 3 hours, or 3 weeks) to be puking/shaking/suicidal, without actually being at risk of killing myself, losing my job, home, or relationships. I'm judging the time off I need approproately. Taking it without compunction or delay... And then returning to my life with the same ease.

- I am able to be very honest with both myself and my therapist.

- I'm not in the middle (or beginning/end) of a crisis or major stressor. (Which may seem dumb, but life happens. No matter how well Im managing my life people die, get married, have babies, get sick, get divorced, move house, get promoted, lose their stability for short periods of time & easily regain it when they're not piling other stressors on top of what else is going on. But how long that process takes? Is going to be different for every stressor. Getting married? Might mean 6 mo to let things settle. Getting knocked up? 2-3 years until things have calmed down again. New job? Might be a month or a year.).

 

[Friday]

I reeeeeeally fought the whole "get stable" before starting trauma therapy, thing. Both because my symptoms have been ruling my life for a long time, and I'm f*cking done already... How the hell can I get stable if my symptoms are making it so I can't f*cking manage the basics??? Aaaaargh.

On the upside? If my life isn't stable? Then it's not like I'm short on shit to work on. ;)

 

[Leighlee87]

I guess it might be a good question to bring up in therapy, what does stable look like and maybe ask why he thinks you aren't ready. My only guess from what you've written is that he might be worried that you will start drinking more again. But even if that isn't it, try to trust what he is saying and continue to work hard on the coping skills he is teaching you.

 

[FauxLiz]

@Friday until I read your post I would have sworn and planned to argue with my T that I was completely stable. And in a lot of ways I am.

I have a job, a home, solid relationships, and safety nets (so it wouldn't be a crisis if I lost my job, had to move, or one of my relationships ended). A stressor? Sure. But not a crisis

I have the first two, a few of the third and not so sure about the safety nets.

I have time built in for symptom spikes.

This one I have. I do struggle with ensuring that I always have time due to frequent doctor appointments.

I am able to be very honest with both myself and my therapist

This one I have, after nearly 3 years of therapy together I have learned to be honest to a fault with my T.

I'm not in the middle (or beginning/end) of a crisis or major stressor.

Generally I am not in the middle of a crisis/stressor however my job by its very nature is unstable

There are things that I could do to improve. As @EveHarrington suggests there are coping skills that need to be worked on by my T suggestion such as a regular exercise routine, eating better, eliminating alcohol entirely from my life. So I guess maybe I do still have work to do.

 

[Suzetig]

So my question for everyone is what did it mean/look like when you were considered stable enough by your T to really begin the hard work

For me, it was when the hard work didn't feel hard any more. By that I mean that when I started therapy just sitting in the damn room was hard, like dissociating, crying, anxiety shut down hard. I was actively trying to cope - diet, exercise, housekeeping etc felt too hard so I needed to get basic functioning in place.

As I've picked through my trauma, it's been hard but never so hard as the early days, even though the work feels very much deeper - I'm resilient enough that I can leave session, out ut back in its box and keep living. You sound like you're doing better but that's still quite a lot of alcohol depending on what you're drinking, a good support system and knowing how to look after yourself and being able to do it when stressed are all part of being stable.

 

[Quakegirl]

For me it looks like I'm squared away, & my life put together; I'm if not asymptomatic, my symptoms are...

Oh, wow, I love this! I just copied and pasted it into my journal. What an amazing goal to work towards. Thank you!