Greetings,
For myself I would relate that such involves embrace of aspects of identity consistent with defending certain personal inclinations and behaviors, with this sometimes being consistent with strengthening boundaries in the face of threats however manifest. O.K. - just what am I saying here? In this instance I'm obliquely relating that boundaries are terrifically difficult for me to defend and that I adapt to circumstance to the extent that my identity is soon lost. I go numb, I grow bored even as I pretend to be present, etc.
How to reaffirm identity consistent with the concept of self-love is something I really have to fight for. Immersion in 'the good' would include a symphony or better close-in jazz performance, carrying the best written works I might everywhere to read anywhere consistent with being engaged with what again affirms identity, holding out for a landmark film with the best director commentary on the Criterion label, better food, etc. Maybe full-length pajamas with a towering cup of cocoa will do for you what company can't or won't. One must be creative...
As there is junk food, so too there are junk relations, junk entertainment, faux profundity, and in total and in sum many environmental pressures afloat that might deny life could ever have redeeming value. Go to the wrong address for a need and surprise! - one is afforded the wrong thing. At present most quality relations I have are online, with precious little afforded in-person and live. Leaning too hard on what is presently inadequate just confirms how inadequate the local bunch is - hence the temptation exists withing myself to downplay my own thoughts and inclinations concerning much. Following along this path of self-denial typically spells trouble for this writer, and soon I'm a self-denying and inarticulate self-loathing zombie who scarcely knows his own name. It's not so much that trouble lies ahead, but rather I'm consumed and surrounded on all sides by overwhelming trouble.
Near-term cures for me include getting lost in a copy of the New York Review of Books where three titles might be reviewed in one go across six pages. Maybe a lost film seen on Criterion Collection DVD with all the trimmings taken in, perhaps an architectural exploration of a total environment indicating back yes! - one can design a physical space in such detail that the very tone of life might be altered and enhanced for the better. Antiquing with good company (if it might be secured) consistent with allowing the environment to offer up conversational cues without stop can help every now and again.
When I do such I am reminded that it isn't the definitional lack of people in my everyday that dispirits me so frequently, but rather the lack of the right people if my snobbish take on such may nevertheless be appreciated. I'm not myself if circumstances preclude the disclosure, emergence and evolution of what constitutes my best self. One can compromise too completely, and for being so-tempted lose sight of who one is, what engages the self, and why a fight is being made to continue to live. Such is an approximation of self-love to this writer - not to lose sight of what affirms and what engages.
And while few ever strictly speak of such, it can be useful to compile a list of what does work for you in such moments consistent with the theory of maintaining a 'stop list'. Thoughts intrude and you go to predicatable and often bad places, whereas why not chart what actually is proven to work while some satisfaction is being taken in life? The hope is that we might be disciplined enough to reach out of such a list, such a record to force ourselves to 'do what needs doing' even if our personal power setting is scarcely off the bottom of the scale. I've gone to symphony performances wondering just why I was going, and only after the intermission discovering the effects that my written record attests to even as I'm not quite feeling or even anticipating such in the moment. Know thyself...
M.
