What Does The Therapist Get Out Of It?

[Deleted member 5760]

sonickel77,

It could be a little of both. A past experience of mine, which was the most annoying experience I've had (re : therapy), was a guy who was obviously just not at all engaged in the conversation. How do I know beyond a doubt that he was not engaged - because he kept asking the same questions. I mean in terms of the details of what had happened. He was just off in fairyland or something, probably mentally making his grocery list or thinking '2 hours til home time' or whatever. Which we're all guilty of at times. I know sometimes people are talking to me and I zone out out of boredom/distraction/preoccupation with other thoughts/whatever reason. But I guess what p*ssed me off was that it was his job to be engaged in the conversation. He would ask me things I had answered only minutes earlier. And then go 'oh sorry, yeah, you did say that just before'. I felt like I had to repeat my story about 3 times for this guy because he simply was not listening. And he knew so too! He apologised for it and told me it was his last day before annual leave and he was clockwatching. Needless to say, I would not be in a hurry to recommend him. Perhaps I just caught him on a bad day, but basically - he sucked at his job that day.

My therapist at the moment is ~awesome~

I guess something else for us all to remember in relation to whether therapists have experienced trauma or pain or emotional disturbances in their life (possible motivation to want to help others) and why they don't share them in the appointment - again, could be a number of reasons. Such as:
-you're paying them to lsiten to your story, and not to hear their's.
-the attention and care is supposed to be focused on you
-hearing another's problem may actually stress you out - and if you weren't already stressed you probably wouldn't be in therapy.

Also, and maybe one we can all empathise with :
- it is very hard to talk about our problems in therapy for many people. My appointments are 50 minutes long and I feel emotionally drained afterwards. I also feel a lot better, but also drained. It feels like I'm out of gas, but I know I've actually been filling the tank longer term. Can you possibly imagine how drained a therapist would feel if they had to share their problems, over and over and over again - 6 or 8 or however many appointments a day, 5 days a week? There'd be nothing left to give to the patient they would be so thoroughly out of emotional fuel.

I suppose you'd have to ask my therapist about her motivations - but from the sessions we've had so far I can gather 2 things :
1) she is extremely well educated in her field, and is gifted at being able to mix the science of psychology (technical workings of the brain, etc) with the emotional aspects of 'helping someone with feelings', and
2) She cares! I have no doubt she cares and wants to work with me so I'm not spending my money and wasting my time doing something that yields no results. If I walk out of there improved she has done her job well. And everybody gets a sense of satisfaction from a job well done. So I enjoy working with her, and not against her. That's good for us both.

I'm fortunate I've found someone I have a rapport with.

 

[Harry Osborn]

It seems to me you've quelled your primary concern by telling us some details about the person you are seeing. If he's gone through so much schooling in fields which aren't exactly the most lucrative ones out there and has a high intellectual interest in psychology as well as certain topics which may be considered philosophy (you mention existentialism), I'd venture a guess at saying money was not at the top of his priorities. People with such minds rarely think very much of money (if you thought money was the meaning of life, why would you need to ponder the question any further?)

As for a heart, neither you nor I have the answer to that question. I can see it is very important to you, so perhaps in later sessions try asking him a few questions (as generalized as possible, not coming off in any way accusing--maybe try to inject the conversation with some talk about his interests first, to make it seem less abrupt) to see. I am sure, sooner or later, the answer will be unveiled independent of prodding, but since you are paying for his services you have a right to know whether he 'fits' the bill for whatever it is you seek.

I personally care very little for empathic therapists (though I seem to like empath ER staff--most likely because they are maternal/paternal in nature and attempting to soothe you in highly precarious circumstances), whereas a therapist is someone who is more intellectual than nurturing (though one can be both, or one of the two, or neither--depends on the person, really). I prefer my therapists to be intellectual and logic-oriented, because I want answers above all else--I want to know *why* I do this, don't care much for someone who wants to help me cope with whatever it is.

Everyone has different needs and different styles, however, so if you need a therapist 'with a heart,' as you say--you have all the right in the world to ask for one. Give this guy a chance to see what kind of person he is, and if you don't fit too well, simply seek another. It's very much hit/miss in the "soft" sciences.