What Goes On "in Your Head"....

[Woof]

Oy....this is a long one. Apologies in advance if my tangential state brings about a choppy presentation and clarity of purpose may seem askew. Your reading and possibly your subsequent input will be greatly appreciated.

In an effort to avoid further hijacking of a recent thread, of similar title, I have been encouraged to begin a separate, new discussion on this topic of "Being In Your Head", "Getting In Your Head", "Staying in Your Head" and "Getting Out of Your Head". While it was not my intent to hijack a discussion, I think some of the points I broached exceeded the scope and good nature of the original authors intent. Typically, I would simply bow out of the discussion, seeing the error of my ways and be done with it. Yet, I saw and continue to see this as a HUGE topic. Not only for myself, but potentially for many if not most. As such think the topic deserves a good examination. As there are indeed multiple facets at play here, the topic can be approached from many angles. It is my hope that this thread can be as close to all encompassing as possible. Meaning, all aspects would be discussed and explored. Simply, if it pertains to "Being in Your Head", "Getting In Your Head", "Staying in Your Head" and or "Getting Out of Your Head"....please, feel free to discuss it. Tangents and hijacking will be welcomed....perhaps, encouraged as we investigate what goes on between our ears.

How did this come about? Rather innocently...really.

I was simply triggered by the words "staying in your head". To be sure, there are many words, phrases that, to the naked eye are benign in nature. They are simply constructs used to convey an idea, the very basis of communication. Yet, the mind, afflicted with PTSD (mine for example) will often take these benign words that are by history, infused with meaning and a chain of predictable events begin to take place, between the ears.

This incident. this triggered event, was not an issue with an individual. It was not even the original idea of the post. Interestingly enuff, I am not sure I got to the full understanding of the "idea' of the post....well, because I got all jacked up on the words. Words which by themselves were indeed harmless....

How did I get all jacked up? Perhaps a lil explanation of my abuses are in order...

January 21st 1978 is was placed in a pseudo Drug Rehabilitation environment called Straight Inc. (Google Straight Inc.) I was there just at 3 years from ages of 14-17.

On the surface, one may think....Ok, drug rehab...no biggie. Given today's culture, I would agree...perhaps.

The assumption is.....I was a drug addict. Further assumption will lead one to think, drug rehab for a drug addict...a good fit. From this assumption on, everything goes south and the horror begins.

I was 14, if I was indeed guilty of anything, I was guilty of being a teenager. I did teenage things, I had teenage aspirations. Did I smoke Pot? Yes I did. If the quantity of cannabis was added up, for every single time I had smoked Pot. This value would not exceed One (1) ounce of cannabis consumed. Did I drink alcohol? Indeed I had. Add that quantity up and the value would not exceed One (1) gallon of alcohol consumed.

1 oz of Cannabis + 1 gal of Alcohol in 14 years does not equal or justify 3 years of being warehoused in an abusive environment without any clinical supervision or adult supervision. Wherein 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year x 3 of brutal confrontation, isolation, humiliation, physical abuses, psychological abuses, undernourishment, sleep deprivation, thought coercion and flat out brainwashing was the rule of the day.

As there was a constant state of danger (all forms) coming from any angle at any time, for any reason, coupled with an onslaught of thought coercion I quickly learned the value of "Getting Into My Head" as a means of comforting, escaping, protecting and simply amusing myself for hours, days, and weeks at a time.

In a Mind Rape environment...."Getting Into Your Head" was strictly forbidden and punishable. Thought Coercion or Thought Reform can not tolerate one "Getting Into Your Head".....It is resistance! The more one resists, the greater the effort to keep on "Out of Your Head".....here is when the cycles of confrontation, humiliation, sleep deprivation, physical/mental abuses would begin....and continue for hours at a time.

Indoctrination 24x7 that essentially said....You can not think for yourself. We will think for you. You will abide by our thoughts or you will suffer the consequences. Well, you will have consequences regardless. You will live in fear, trust will be a foreign concept and any degree of comfort will be stripped away...incessantly. You will conform, you will confess, you will discredit any achievements you have thought yourself to have had. The value you have is the value assigned to you via our opinion. You will be broken down and crushed. There is no escape. Run and we will give chase. Fight and your face will slide across a concrete floor. You are nothing without us, we are your life and with out us, your life has no meaning, no value, no chance. Your options are jail, institutions and death. Your compliance is mandatory.

Rather grim, is it not?

Again, I bring my history to the reader not to imply a uniqueness, but to show how I came to rely, protect and refine the need to "Be in My Head"

What goes on in that head of yours Woof?

Sometimes absolutely nothing. Other times, absolutely everything. I enjoy the versatility of my mind! I embrace the quiet solitude of simply zoning out. I enjoy how focused I can be come when I retreat into my head in an effort to solve an issue or to somehow have battle....with myself or others.

I often hear or read people saying....."I just want my brain to stop".....This is a thought that has never occurred to me. Perhaps if it has, I have never entertained it for long. I have a heart, it has a function. Its function is to circulate blood. I have a set of lungs, it has a function. Its function is to aspirate, to breath. I have a musculature system, it has a function. It's function is to move this ole bag of bones, to ambulate and move about the environment. I would not ask any of these to cease their functionality.

Well, I have a brain, it also has a function. Among many other functions, it's crowning achievement and claim to fame is it's innate ability to....think. Why would I want to have this function to stop? This creative function has served me well....I dare say it has served us all well, as Survivors and as a race of beings. Thinking, in and of itself, is inherently a good thing!

Now, returning to the notion of "Being in Your Head"...

Before recent revelations, I was inclined to say, that while "In My Head"....I tend to "shut down", or "Zone Out". I fully embody the 10,000 yard stare. I can stare so deeply into the void, that I can in essence become that same void. Seemingly, I am void of thought, void of emotion, void of interest, void of action, void of communication.....just shy of catatonia.

Have I ceased utilizing the thought function of the brain in doing so???? Ehhhhh, I am not convinced that is a true/accurate statement. There is a degree of creativity and deliberateness in "shutting down". At the onset of a dissociative incident, there is a sequence of events taking place. I am not conscious of the "shut down sequence"....but I am of the opinion there is one, and have yet to be able to accurately articulate the process.

The terms "Shutting Down", "Zoning Out" and others like them attempting to describe the experience I think are, essentially misnomers. Describing the inexplicable is inherently difficult and challenging at best. But to imply, I am devoid of thought....ehhhh, I am not entirely comfortable with that. Because I can not explain an experience, does that negate the experience? Does the experience not exist because of an inability to adequately explain it?

I am also under an impression this experience is very common among us with PTSD and I think most are familiar with what I am driving at. We know the experience, we engage in the experience....yet describing the experience.....ehhhh...not so much.

Now.....a new concept has been introduced.

"staying In Your Head"

As it has been explained to me, it is the process of ""Obsessing about things, analyzing, discussing, reading, and spending lots of energy in trying to figure things out." and further ""the skill of occupying the mind so fully with rational activities that it shuts out all feeling."

Unwittingly, as it turns out....I engage in this same thing.....without realizing it. Nor did I realize a name had been given to it. What messed me up and threw me into a tailspin was that its was called "staying in Your Head".....which triggered me. For obvious reasons....at least to me anyways.

So after some bantering back and forth, I came to realize...Oh shit.....I am doing this even as we speak/type!!!

Almost instantly, I saw it was not an issue of better or worse, right or wrong, good or bad....but simply what the mind chooses to engage in given a set of circumstances. Banter and intellectualizing or simply seeking solace in the solitude of my mind...as a means of coping? Holy Buckets!!!!! I did not know I did that.

I was also immediately struck with the notion of how this dovetails in the "Flight or Fight" issue.....and it takes place "In My Head".

As this is currently unfolding, this understanding (for lack of a better word at the moment) I make no claim at full understanding and a full grasp of all it's implications etc....But I would like to invite and encourage all commentary....the full gamut of your experiences! I do not wish to restrict this discussion in the least.Lets take a peek into the state of "Being in Your Head"

Go!

 

[katiekat]

Being in my head is a way to tune everything/everyone out when feeling stressed. This tends to be a choice I make, though not entirely deliberately,it just happens. And I get online and research things about my symptoms to try to better understand my somewhat still new diagnosis of PTSD so I can rationalize how I act out, or how I freeze or dissociate when triggered. My therapist recently made me aware that this type of behavior is a form of obsessive compulsive disorder, more specifically when I can't get an image or scene from a trauma to stop playing over and over again.

Being stuck in my head also causes attention deficit problems for me. I will be at work and my boss will treat me poorly and then I will start to get anxiety about needing to find a new job and start looking for new jobs and find nothing and I get down about it and it triggers anxiety about something else and the whole time I am still trying to do my current job but it's very half-assed and I end up feeling unproductive and guilty, which can cause the cycle to continue. By the end of the day I am so drained by this that I mentally "check out" of any further responsibilities or social interactions and resort to binge watching tv, sleeping, surfing the web, or if I'm good enough, I will manage to drag myself to the gym. That is how I get stuck in my head.

I will say this: upon entering therapy 7 months ago, my therapist was asking me about my ADD symptoms and I said at times I just space off and realize after a while that im not even thinking about anything at all. He countered that with these exact words, "you're not AWARE of what you are thinking, but you ARE thinking." My best guess now to what I was referring to was dissociation. But at the time I had no idea what dissociation even was.

 

[WillowMarie]

He countered that with these exact words, "you're not AWARE of what you are thinking, but you ARE thinking." My best guess now to what I was referring to was dissociation. But at the time I had no idea what dissociation even was.

That same thing happens to me! But I am also aware that my brain was running through memories or thoughts, but I just can't remember what it was. It usually does this when I start thinking about something, and I will check out, and all of a sudden come back and be in reality, it kind of hits me being back, and I realize I don't remember where I went and thought about. Other times when I am emotional it happens, but I am not conscious of thinking of things before it happens, just feeling.

There are other times in therapy I when I check out/trouble concentrating, but my mind is blank. I wonder if it happens then, too, but I am less conscious of the wheels turning in my head.

I will be at work and my boss will treat me poorly and then I will start to get anxiety about needing to find a new job and start looking for new jobs and find nothing and I get down about it and it triggers anxiety about something else and the whole time I am still trying to do my current job but it's very half-assed and I end up feeling unproductive and guilty, which can cause the cycle to continue.

You do this, too? I could have written that... except I don't go as far as half assing trying to find a new job. I just think of what jobs would pay me enough so I can move out of the house, then realize there is nothing, and get super depressed and feel powerless.

I often hear or read people saying....."I just want my brain to stop".....This is a thought that has never occurred to me.

I often times feel/think this, too. Even though I do have times when triggered (outside of therapy) my brain will race, and sometimes start to analyze or obsess about things, the other times there is nothing in my head.

This happens most often in therapy. I will dissociate/zone out, start staring at the mesmerizing carpet (okay, okay... it is just a plain boring carpet...) and my therapist will ask where I just went. I always thought it was silly when therapists asked this because, duh, I didn't go anywhere, almost ever, my brain was completely blank! I wasn't conscious of thinking anything most of the time. And in these states, it was very hard for me to answer questions or think about memories or instances.

Before recent revelations, I was inclined to say, that while "In My Head"....I tend to "shut down", or "Zone Out". I fully embody the 10,000 yard stare. I can stare so deeply into the void, that I can in essence become that same void. Seemingly, I am void of thought, void of emotion, void of interest, void of action, void of communication.....just shy of catatonia.

What does this feel like to you? For me, my body feels heavy like I can't move it. I feel like I talk really slow. The worst I have been in a therapy appointment, I look like I am in a trance. I have to repeat something, like a question, over and over in my head, but it is hard to comprehend or answer, even if it is simple.


It sound like you have been through quite a bit, woof. I can see why you found the coping skill of checking out.

 

[katiekat]

This happens most often in therapy. I will dissociate/zone out, start staring at the mesmerizing carpet (okay, okay... it is just a plain boring carpet...) and my therapist will ask where I just went. I always thought it was silly when therapists asked this because, duh, I didn't go anywhere, almost ever, my brain was completely blank! I wasn't conscious of thinking anything most of the time. And in these states, it was very hard for me to answer questions or think about memories or instances.
What does this feel like to you? For me, my body feels heavy like I can't move it. I feel like I talk really slow. The worst I have been in a therapy appointment, I look like I am in a trance. I have to repeat something, like a question, over and over in my head, but it is hard to comprehend or answer, even if it is simple.

Willow-Our experiences are very similar, and it feels so reassuring to read your post in response to mine. I had several moments yesterday in therapy where he asked me a question and I just couldn't answer it. It wasn't that I didn't want to answer, it was that I just literally didn't have a response.

He doesn't allow me to say "I don't know" to his questions, and so when this happens, he looks at me (what I like to call "staring" which he knows I really hate) and waits for me to answer, and the longer my mind can't think, the more frustrated I feel, and I feel paralyzed by his stare. I usually am looking down or out the window, but then I will peek up at him to see if he is still staring or if he is showing any indication of formulating a new question, but most of the time, he is still looking at me and waiting for a response, which causes me to go deeper into that paralyzed feeling.

I don't handle it well, and I start to realize my frustration, and eventually look up at him and smirk or raise my eye brows. I feel like looking at him cross-eyed sometimes, but then tell myself that is super immature and don't do it, but sometimes I'd do anything to get him to stop staring when I have absolutely no thoughts going on in my head. I don't know what else to do. Is that totally dorky?!As for the way YOU feel when you dissociate, I have the same things happening. The first time it happened, I was in therapy. He said something about my childhood that triggered me. At the time, he had not yet diagnosed me with PTSD, and he actually didnt know I had dissociated until I told him via email later that night. But what happened was, I was sitting on his couch and he said whatever it was that triggered me, and I had this overwhelming sense of fear and then I felt paralyzed.

I was looking at him, watching him talk, and it seemed like he was shrinking or getting further away and the room was sort of foggy. I looked down at the carpet that has a circle pattern on it, and the circles started to look like they were vibrating or kind of moving. I then looked out the window, didn't hear him speaking and when I looked back at him finally, I had noticed like 5 minutes had passed and I didn't realize "where I was". I felt like I had somehow "slid" out of my body... not sure if that makes any sense and it definitely sounds strange to try to explain that part of it.

I just call it "slipping away" mentally, like I sort of go out of my body, but I am not looking at myself or anything, I just sort of lose all bodily sensations. And of course, when this happens, I have a very hard time saying anything, or hearing what my therapist says (sometimes I can hear him but I am not really able to make sense of the words or I hear it as just noise).I'd love to hear if others have a similar experience.

Also, I have rarely dissociated like that outside of therapy. Is that normal?

 

[Valentino]

@Woof It seems like you have developed a decent capacity to stay somewhat conscious when emotionally triggered.

From my observation, a major issue for most people is that they go unconscious and reactive when emotionally triggered.

I have always had a high pain tolerance and ability to stay conscious while triggered. Or maybe I had a lack of ability to escape consciousness. I think it's probably due to my Aspie brain which is just by default hyper-sensitive, but it could also be from growing up in a traditional Chinese family which teaches mental toughness.

It's always been difficult for me to help others to stay conscious while triggered. Often times I can see people go reactive before they even get triggered, just the idea of possibly getting triggered can trigger a person to go unconscious. It's like a second layer fear, fear of simply feeling (fear, anger or grief)..

Anyway, I'm curious if you have any ideas or suggestions that might offer others some practical ways to develop more capacity to stay conscious when triggered?

I know most might prefer seek out ways to simply escape or avoid all triggers. But is that really practical? If it's even possible, would the price be worth it?

 

[Woof]

What does this feel like to you? For me, my body feels heavy like I can't move it.

Well yeah....and no.
As has been brought up so far, I now see a tendency to do both:

• Zone Out
• Targeted Thought (hyper focused thought process at solving, attacking a problem/issue)
  

In the "Zone Out" yes, I am exactly as you say, I am deep, deep into that trance like state. It is a monumental effort to move, get off the couch, even to eat/drink/bathe or anything else for that matter. Seemingly, there is "nothing going on" tween my ears...I suspect that's not entirely true. Although, I am unable to prove it....Perhaps an EEG during this state would show definitively there is brain function, or not. Now, if there was brain function...thoughts/emotions etc....I would be hard pressed to articulate the experience. As I said, its difficult to explain the inexplicable.

During the "Targeted Thought".....I find this to be almost 180 degree difference. Unlike the state of being "Zoned Out" my mind is sharp, focused, agile. Examining this, examining that, looking here, looking there. Cover this and that angle, Reviewing pro's and con's.....The landscape tween my ears is bristling with activity. Whether or not this activity is productive or not...is clearly debatable. In this state I am fully engaged. Nothing, at least nothing that immediately comes to mind will (or can) break this process. I simply "THINK" until I am done.

One may infer that I prefer one state over another...and I would beg to differ. As I see that I do both, almost on an instinctive level, with little or no premeditation....That is to say, I do not think to myself...."I will now shut down and zone out" and proceed accordingly....No, it is like a light switch....Lights Out!

Just the same with the "Targeted Thought"....there is no initializing. There is no notion of, "Well geez, this certainly deserves more thought" and then go after it like a pit bull with a death grip. Seemingly, it occurs without a sequence of events. Spontaneous explosion of thought? Again, seems this way, but I doubt that to be all inclusive and subject closed.

I would like to slow down enuff to be able to watch these sequence of events as they take place. If possible, I would like to record this sequence of events as they occur, Then compare them to further & past incidents...But all to often, life itself happens faster than the speed of thought.....but one can hope, yes?

@Woof It seems like you have developed a decent capacity to stay somewhat conscious when emotionally triggered.

I suspect everything in this context hinges on the word "somewhat".
As I mentioned above, I see myself with two responses.....yet the variables are countless. I have watched myself for years and yet, I am no where closer to seeing, with absolute certainty that Variable (A) and Variable (B) will always result in the same outcome. There always seems to be that unknown variable that escapes my notice, or recognition.

My abuses required of me to be exceptionally agile. As attack could come from any direction, from any source at any time....by necessity, I had to be aware of the surroundings, the people in the surroundings, the tones and undercurrents of the surroundings and.....be able to navigate these surroundings....for the sake of my own welfare.

There was little, if any time for me to pontificate the best courses of action. The milieu demanded split decisions and I had to be able to back them up 1500% or face the bukkake of confrontation that was sure to follow. That mental agility, resourcefulness (or whatever it may be called) would, by all intent and purposes sound like a good thing...almost admirable. It just seems awful that a 14 year old would have to resort to such behaviors, not knowing if and when it would ever end. Now at age 50, I have been accused of having mid life crisis or having my second childhood.....this seems uncanny to me. If anything, I am indeed having my first childhood.

I'm curious if you have any ideas or suggestions that might offer others some practical ways to develop more capacity to stay conscious when triggered?

Ehhhhhhhhh........I am afraid, no, I can not. As much as I would like to not only extend my heart, but to extend a helping hand....I am not convinced that what I do or do not do, would be of any service to anyone. To imply that I could help would seems a bit self absorbed. Yet, to deny that I could be of service seems....equally self absorbed. To be fair to myself, and perhaps to others...I will be as upfront and honest about my experience. If anyone can gain from my experience, that would be awesome. But to impose my ideas, notions, experiences on others.....doesnt quite fit well with me, based on my experiences. The cookie cutter approach has left a bad taste in my mouth. However, I do very much appreciate your recognition, thank you.

He doesn't allow me to say "I don't know" to his questions, and so when this happens, he looks at me (what I like to call "staring" which he knows I really hate) and waits for me to answer, and the longer my mind can't think, the more frustrated I feel, and I feel paralyzed by his stare.

Ya know, every therapist I have ever encountered employs this technique. I am not fond of it either. I will often search for immature reaction/responses as well.....my favorite is to stare back at them. However, I don't look them directly in the eyes. I employ a trick I learned and used during my abuses. I stare at the upper bridge of their noses, directly between their eyes.....and purposefully "Zone Out".

Playing "Stump The Therapist"....albeit a lot of fun (perversely so) and is a tremendous way of protecting myself.....Well, not only is it immature of me to do so.....but it's counterproductive for me to engage in this. I willfully have made myself vulnerable to my therapist for the expressed reason of being helped. Such calculated resistance seems like a bad idea...so much so I told on myself and admitted to doing it. Which, btw, opened up a whole new can of worms for the Trauma Lady to address. Such active resistance was a learned during my abuses, I was self taught, and I learned it well. Yes, it may have served me well at one point. But I have to question if this go2 response is really beneficial...today.

Thank you all for your responses and replies. I am encouraged and feel that many stones have been uncovered. I am anxious to see what else will unfold. In the mean time, I wish you all....

Much Peace
Woof

 

[Valentino]

Ehhhhhhhhh........I am afraid, no, I can not. As much as I would like to not only extend my heart, but to extend a helping hand....I am not convinced that what I do or do not do, would be of any service to anyone. To imply that I could help would seems a bit self absorbed. Yet, to deny that I could be of service seems....equally self absorbed. To be fair to myself, and perhaps to others...I will be as upfront and honest about my experience. If anyone can gain from my experience, that would be awesome. But to impose my ideas, notions, experiences on others.....doesnt quite fit well with me, based on my experiences. The cookie cutter approach has left a bad taste in my mouth. However, I do very much appreciate your recognition, thank you.

Mad props! I struggle with the pretty much the same concerns. I'm extremely cautious about imposing my will onto any other person. I probably tend to err on allowing too much individual freedom and choice. This sometimes or often times gets me in trouble, because some people seem to assume or expect others to automatically impose.

I wonder if this is a common viewpoint due to surviving abuse from external brain washing? I'm a bit over protective of a person's right to freedom from external mind control. But, there seems to be a group of people who seem to actively seek it. In spiritual communities it's quite common to see many people seeking 'the' perfect guru who will save and fix all things for them, and even hand them enlightenment on a platter. Magical thinkers might be a good label?

 

[katiekat]

Just an update about the whole "staring therapist" thing that I mentioned above: I actually brought this up to him the other day and told him how frustrating and uncomfortable it is for me sometimes. He responded saying therapy isn't supposed to make me feel bad, and that he wants me to feel comfortable enough to talk, and that he believes that I do sometimes not have answers for him (especially when I've been triggered and just go sort of "blank"). He did say he wants to push me, but not to the point of retraumatizing me. He said an analogy for how he wants to work with me is that he is a "surgeon, not a butcher."

I thought that made a lot of sense. It's supposed to hurt, but its supposed to heal as well. It was so great to be able to tell him how I felt, and to actually have him work with me on a solution. So far, the solution is for him to give me time to answer questions, but if he senses I am uncomfortable or if I say "I don't know" he will try to ask the question in a different way, or give me some options of how to answer such as "I need time to think about this", "I am not ready to answer this question", etc. I am really liking the relationship I have with my therapist lately... I feel I can trust him, and I feel safe.