Today T time started out good. I was in a good place mentally I think (not sure though since I didn't feel like going and that usually means a person needs to go). I posted last week I think about how I am tired of talking about friendships in T time and felt encouraged to let my T know that. Turns out it was one of my goals... well, not anymore.
So I'm expressing this and getting her responses when suddenly I feel like she's being defensive and I've somehow come across in a blaming confrontational way, which I did not at all intend to do. I'm not sure what made it feel this way but I let her know that I thought it felt that way and I wanted to make sure that it didn't seem like I was "attacking her" that I knew in the past I too was part of the conversations but that in retrospect I realized that they weren't really helping me. We decided to look at my goals and maybe change them and while she was pulling them up on her computer I just broke down crying and unable to speak. I felt horrible like I had disappointing her, maybe she didn't want to have me as a patient anymore and that it wasn't working out anymore.
I don't remember the whole time clearly but enough. I also started saying that maybe I didn't actually need therapy that I probably just thought I did because I had it as a child and pretty much my whole life and maybe I just thought I needed it because it's what I've always done. Then I started laughing at the absurdity of that thought because I clearly need it.
So we ended the session by planning to go over goals more specifically next time and she said she was proud of me because she felt like she go to see the "authentic me" today. I think she got to see the big broken mess of me - not the authentic me - but oh well.
All and all I'm still not sure what happened. I just fell apart. I don't think it was anything she specifically did or said and I think I was overreacting but I'm not sure why.
So I'm expressing this and getting her responses when suddenly I feel like she's being defensive and I've somehow come across in a blaming confrontational way, which I did not at all intend to do. I'm not sure what made it feel this way but I let her know that I thought it felt that way and I wanted to make sure that it didn't seem like I was "attacking her" that I knew in the past I too was part of the conversations but that in retrospect I realized that they weren't really helping me. We decided to look at my goals and maybe change them and while she was pulling them up on her computer I just broke down crying and unable to speak. I felt horrible like I had disappointing her, maybe she didn't want to have me as a patient anymore and that it wasn't working out anymore.
I don't remember the whole time clearly but enough. I also started saying that maybe I didn't actually need therapy that I probably just thought I did because I had it as a child and pretty much my whole life and maybe I just thought I needed it because it's what I've always done. Then I started laughing at the absurdity of that thought because I clearly need it.
So we ended the session by planning to go over goals more specifically next time and she said she was proud of me because she felt like she go to see the "authentic me" today. I think she got to see the big broken mess of me - not the authentic me - but oh well.
All and all I'm still not sure what happened. I just fell apart. I don't think it was anything she specifically did or said and I think I was overreacting but I'm not sure why.
