What helped you walk away from an abuser and not go back?

[Justmehere]

I'm dealing with a situation right now that I can't detail... but it's stirring up the same kind of struggle that a victim of domestic violence feels trying to walk away from their abusive partner, and is feeling drawn to go back, because "he loves me" and "promised he wouldn't do it again" and at least they are not alone, and etc.

Because the situation is weird, it's taken awhile to see that it fits this pattern, but this is the second trauma therapist that thinks I'm struggling with this exact dynamic. Only it's not a domestic violence situation, but another kind of abusive setting where life threatening trauma happened before, and could easily happen again.

I can walk away, and I feel better when I do, and right now, walking away is the right choice. But I get this weird/horrible COMPULSIVE drive to go back.

I'm finally able to identify what thoughts and feelings stir up the drive to go back: feeling too alone, thinking I'm useless and of no value, and thinking that there is no hope that there is anything better for me.

Today, my mother told me basically that she thinks there is no chance for a better future, and I pretty much tanked. I'm back to fighting this INTENSE pull to go back to the abusive setting.

For those who have managed to leave an abusive partner, what helped?

Right now, it's helpful to declare this for what it is... to try to recognize that I'm not alone in this. Even though it really feels that way.

 

[hithere]

I'm sorry I have nothing to offer. I was the type that was abandoned by abusers. Kept going back for more until they bored with me--this carried over into adulthood. There was one point I thought about leaving an abuser and packed a bag. That's as far as it got because I thought I was the problem. I wish had better advice. However, the pull to go back may be to "win" at the situation. To feel you mastered it, to feel like a winner; and walking away feels like quitting. If that can be re framed to see that it takes courage and strength and it is the mastering thing to do? I know you were asking for people who have actually left an abuser... I'm not one of them. sorry. just felt compelled to answer.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

Well when I left my abusive x...we were in the middle of an heated argument and he was becoming angrier by the minute and scary...I had locked myself in the bathroom and the person I was on the phone with seeking advice as I was hysterically crying and very fearful asked me this one question "do you think it will get better" No... then I left with just my purse and moved 3 hours away and eventually decided to cut off all personal contact. I would say thinking of my unborn child (I was pregnant at the time) as well as cutting off contact really helped! This wasn't my first abusive type of relationship and with the first one and now with the 2cnd and 3rd I would say cutting off contact is the only thing that helps and then eventually you lose the urge to contact them. Honestly...I have been separated for 4 years and because of all these emotions/PTSD I miss it...why? Idk...I can sympathize with you! The urge and the cycle is hard to get out of. Then at least for me also when you are broken to the point of thinking no one else would love me...losing the only perceived form of love in your whole life is devastating... You are not alone!

 

[Kintsugi]

The urge and the cycle is hard to get out of. Then at least for me also when you are broken to the point of thinking no one else would love me...losing the only perceived form of love in your whole life is devastating... You are not alone!

This. All this up here. Yes.

I honestly think I have relied on my great talent for emotional splitting in order to find the will to detach. Amazing what black & white thinking + dissociative numbness can do for a girl.

This is a great topic, and you are far from alone dear JMH. You have enormous value. To your dog, your local community, your God, and to me.

Maybe turning to God isn't a bad idea. I'm not religious, but I know you are, and I also know your God is all loving and merciful. What would God want for your life? Hell, what would your SD tell you?

Sending you all kinds of warm vibes, sister. Hang in there.

 

[Friday]

1. Having done it before.

- It was going to hurt more than ending a healthy relationship
- It was going to be a LOT more lonely than ending a healthy relationship
- I was still going to love them
- I was still going to hate myself
- I was going to blame myself far more than I did while I was with them.
- I was going to constantly (for awhile) still be trying to look out "for" them (both the self-protective / needing to be aware of their emotional state in order to direct it & determine what my behavior should be based on it AND take responsibility for their mental/emotional/physical state). How are they doing? What are they doing?
- I was going to be intermittently still consumed by ^^^ that! once it stopped being constant.
- I was going to have massive amounts of time & energy on my hands that I wasn't used to having (previously having been spent on them), and every burst of energy or happiness or free time? Would also immediately come with guilt/fear & hyper focusing on them... because I "shouldn't" have that energy, if I did it was because I wasn't looking out for them.
- I should have, I should be... Rewriting both past and present were going to be constant and intermittent companions... For awhile.
- I was going to treat other people like I treated them (over explaining, over-solicitous, over-aware, over-forgiving, overly-familiar, less-than, apologizing, excuse-making, dependent). Other people? Would typically hate that. (Not-abusive people really don't like being treated like abusive people, as a rule. Not JUST the assumption that they're going to hurt you, which is a slap in the face / taken as an insult by most people. But all of the bootlicking & less-than behaviors that shout "we are not peers" & "you are better than me, I know it, and am showing you my belly" Ugh. Just love being a kicked dog. Gross.). The ones who didn't? Weren't the ones I wanted to be around. So there was going to be a strange dichotomy for awhile of my pushing away healthy people and glomming onto unhealthy people. :wtf:

***

Why I left both cycle-of-abuse relationships to begin with I don't think would be useful to most people. But what I learned in leaving (above) I've noticed are pretty common in DV-land.

Ending normal relationships & ending abusive relationships? Are as different from each other as sex & rape.

 

[hithere]

1. Having done it before.

- It was going to hurt more than ending a healthy relationship
- It was going...

Wow. This is really an eye opener for me. I wish someone would have explained this to me a long time ago. I'm kind of in a situation myself right now. wow is all I can say.

 

[Kintsugi]

- I was going to constantly (for awhile) still be trying to look out "for" them (both the self-protective / needing to be aware of their emotional state in order to direct it & determine what my behavior should be based on it AND take responsibility for their mental/emotional/physical state). How are they doing? What are they doing?
- I was going to be intermittently still consumed by ^^^ that! once it stopped being constant.
- I was going to have massive amounts of time & energy on my hands that I wasn't used to having (previously having been spent on them), and every burst of energy or happiness or free time? Would also immediately come with guilt/fear & hyper focusing on them... because I "shouldn't" have that energy, if I did it was because I wasn't looking out for them.

This hit a nail right on the head... in my head? Man. Revelation is unpredictable. When within such a relationship, the other party becomes your whole self. And that's when shit gets so wonky. But the way you said it, Friday--wow indeed.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

- I was going to constantly (for awhile) still be trying to look out "for" them (both the self-protective / needing to be aware of their emotional state in order to direct it & determine what my behavior should be based on it AND take responsibility for their mental/emotional/physical state). How are they doing? What are they doing?

Wow- just so true

 

[Justmehere]

I'm so surprised with how much I can relate to everyone's responses! I'm too exhausted to write anything more at the moment, but I'm reading along and I feel so much less crazy...

 

[provencepearl]

Do you have a support system, people who care about you and will help you? do you have a plan and resources? The first step is planning to be successful. If you have financial ability, it is much easier. When I got married, my uncle gave me $100 "in case I needed to get away". I had dissociated from domestic violence in my childhood home. This was obviously not enough (even though worth much more back then). There was nothing said about this will get you to us and we will help you. I had no other resources and believed everyone would believe I was craxy, they my husband was a wonderful man. I never got the courage to leave; But he died. I have not had a true relationship since. Too scared of another abusive relationship as we tend to attract the same type of person.

 

[EveHarrington]

What a horrible thing for your mother to say! You've tanked? Simply not true!

 

[Rainsong]

I'm dealing with a situation right now that I can't detail... but it's stirring up the same kind of...

Understanding what love is supposed to be like, helped me:

It is not supposed to hurt you
It is not supposed to make you feel bad about who you are
It is not supposed to make you give up anything of yourself
It is not supposed to break you down
It is not supposed to change you to fit in
It is not supposed to make you not voice your opinion in fear of being hurt

LOVE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO HURT YOU IN ANY WAY

I feel the urge to contact my mother most when I feel worthless and lonely. Especially when I'm depressed. That's when I feel like I lose my identity in the illness, and feel like I need roots to ground myself, to find myself. Even if that self is not who I truly am, it's still something, and something is better than the nothingness of depression. I have to keep reminding myself of my worth, and that I am worth more than being treated like that. My boundaries matter, my opinions matter, I am worth love.