Thank you
I'm sorry you have been through so much. It's not right and it's not fair. I can somewhat relate because growing up I was both physically and emotionally abused and it has actually hurt me sexually and it sucks! It has caused me shame and feeling embarassed and scared that I am somehow very messed up. I will say though, I have practiced self care and self love as well as learning where certain thoughts, habits and behaviors stem from and just knowing that what happened to me was not at all right and it was not my fault and I was only a child. Realising the wounds of being mistreated has caused me to react to life in fear and retract and those wounds are what has caused me to fall for a lie thinking I will forever be a messed up human. But when you understand you are not a bad person and face any shame you have and work with a therapist you trust to help you relearn how to live a healthier life with out the negative lens of your abuser (s) and reclaim yourself, helps a lot. One more thing that has helped me is looking at old pictures of me from when I was little and realising I was just a little girl being abused very badly by psychotic parents and then bullied at school. Just as that little girl (me) didn't deserve to have to endure that, that little boy (YOU) didn't deserve to be abused either. Hugs
In trying to heal from my initial abuse, I practiced as much self care as I could and didn't beat myself up when I couldn't do as much as others when my PSD symptoms were real bad. I also educated myself about PTSD, and anything to do with health, found a therapist I trusted, slept when I needed and was careful with who I was friends with.
My mom was raised in the cult and left home as well as the cult, only to fall in love with my dad who learned about the cult through mom, and decided to join the cult around the same time I was born, so I was born into it. While in the cult, I learned to survive my abusive childhood by being a positive Pollyanna, then as a teen, even though I didn't want to follow the cult because I wanted to have a more normal life but when I tried to do research about the cult's doctines, I got sucked in believing it was the only way, so I then got baptised and followed the doctrines of the cult to the best of my ability believing God was directing this organization. At the same time, I had recieved a PTSD diagnosis but still wanted to go to school and be successful so I put myself through a trade school with fullblown PTSD, always relying on God to get me through, and was also practicing self care, paying out of pocket to see a therapist I trusted and being proactive in my self care. I went the holistic route while one of my closet older friends at the time wasn't supportive and tried getting me in a mental ward and controlled my life to a certain extent and when I was able to stabilize my PTSD and she saw me healthier and happier, she hurt me and at the same time I was going through a spiritual crisis and self doubt and started to undo all the healing I did and turn my thoughts against myself and just started ruining everything in my life. At this point, I was isolated, people started turning their backs on me and listening to my friends rumors about me, so I continued on a downward spiral. Eventually, I discovered that I was in a cult but it took a few years to slowly come to that realisation and the cult thinking is still stuck in my head and has caused fears about my existence, death and solutions to the world's problems which were all answered by the cult before. So I am not looking for handouts, rather support and love and suggestions. I literally am totally relearning how to live in this world and change my perspecfive of life and the workd around me without the cult lens. And some days I literally cannot breathe because of fears and anxiety. Somedays I find myself internally in pain begging for hope in something. So now I am simply educating myself as much as I f#$king can so that I will not be stuck in this state as well as working through my anger that I have towards people who have hurt me VERY badly and a bad controlling organization I once thought had all the answers. So of course, I am learning duh, no one or group or organization has all the f#$king answers. Sorry if I came across as bitter but I am climbing out of a well of pain.
Thank you @blackemerald1. I realize you were simply trying to convey we cannot rely on other people to make us happy and you are right. Although we do need supportive people in our lives. Having some kind of a support system is so important for us to recover from traumas and such. Of course we always need to take responsibility for our own health though. Trying is all we can do. Somehow, I think the hope and inspiration we feel and have when we are young is real and is possible to attain again. There's got to be a reason we feel so strongly about things when we are young and then when we are older and see the world through the lenses of reality.
Hopefully our suffering does have healing with it. I guess there's gotta be some sort of reason for it even if it doesn't make sense? I dunno. I find doing the best we can to be gets tiring sometimes and just being helps for us to ride through it.
