Sexual Assault What If He Comes Back

[Mosaic]

The last assault I endured was about 7 months ago but the trauma carried on for a month of him threatening me, harassing me and putting fear into me. I know now that he knew he'd done wrong and put this fear into me because he was scared Id report him but that doesn't stop me being petrified at the thought of him ever coming back.
He would tell me I was the sick one for making him feel like a rapist and I should've been strong enough to struggle more (despite him being a very big muscular bloke and me saying no repeatedly and being pinned down)
He would tell me I need to be punished and turn up at my work, bombard me with messages.
I know the reality of it, I know I did everything I could and he is 100% to blame but it makes no difference.
He made me feel so scared I tried to take my life on more than one occasion with pills and slitting my wrist because I thought I had no way away from him.
I managed to get him to leave me alone but the only way I did this was by allowing him to record me saying it was all my fault and writing it in a message to "stop him getting angry" in his words. I didn't even think twice about doing it, I knew it would potentially jeapordise an investigation if I reported him but I didn't care, I had no intention of reporting him and would do it again to keep myself safe.
I've been making ok progress in therapy dealing with the rape itself, im not making leaps and bounds but I'm determined.
The only problem is, if he was capable of trying to destroy my life the first time and putting this fear into me that I can't even explain then what's to stop him doing it again.
Can I really ever move on when he could just decide he's not finished?
Even my therapist and mental health nurse said that he's clearly unstable and could potentially be a threat, so how am I meant to improve?!
I'm so so scared of him

 

[shrinkingviolet]

Rape is all about power and control. This man sounds sadistic, continuously terrorizing you. You have absolutely done nothing wrong or anything to deserve this horrific taunting. I cannot tell you what to do but it wasn't until I stood up to my rapist that I truly began to heal. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life but I refused to allow him one more moment of my life. He was never convicted of anything and I did move 1,000 miles away to start fresh. It was very empowering but frightening at the same time. I don't know how things work in your country but would it be possible to get some type of restraining order?

 

[Friday]

999 & a baseball bat :)

He ever comes near you again? You dial 999. If they haven't shown up, yet? You whack that sucker but good with a baseball bat.

Generally, "poke" them with it in the face (instead of swing, it surprises the hell out of people who expect a windup) and step sideways on their knee while they're busy with their bleeding face and seeing stars. Snaps the joint, so they can't follow you.

 

[Friday]

To be slightly more clear, and a smidge less violent... Action kills fear.

- My favorite kind of action is to bring the fight to them. Although I'm fond of backup. (Hence 999 along with the bat). This can also include self defense courses (I strongly recommend either Aikido or Krav Maga), security measures, etc.

- My second favorite form of action is ghosting. Can't attack what you can't find. I've gone to some pretty extreme lengths in the past to simply vanish.

- My best friend's favorite kind of action is to bring the fight to them... Legally. She'd have restraining orders and charges filed. (I'm crap at this. We're all crap at something! Meaning only some kinds of action make us feel better. Other kinds make us feel worse).

- Some people's favorite form of action is standing their ground. This is their house, their job, and their life, dammit. Where people go with this tends to split:
* one group of people get a security system, a dog, might file a protective order, might take a self defense course.
* meanwhile the other group of people are neither to be bothered nor change anything as a result of someone else's issues.
In both cases though, the theme is that their home is their castle, and they will neither be driven from it, nor live trapped inside of it. Their life is their own, and anyone who wants to disrupt that can suck it.

There are other kinds of action. I think the most important part is finding the kind that makes you feel strong and happy.

 

[Suomi_Kieli]

I understand that feeling. I dated a guy who would drug and rape me. He scared me with threats. This relationship ended about 3 years ago. I just pretended I was fine and nothing happened. I even pretended not to see him when he was at a store less than a mile from my house. Every since I saw him at that store, I've been having weird dreams where he breaks into my house and tries assaulting me. Some one steps in, though. I hate that I have these dreams, because they mean he still has power over me.
My S.O. understands, when I have one of these nightmares I simply curl up in his arms and tell him that I had another nightmare. He never makes me tell him the details and I'm more comfortable that way. I, for the first time in my life, feel safe. I have a protector. After nights like this, or if I'm alone, I like to light an incense and drink a homemade latte. I find it comforting. Most importantly, I remember that I am not in danger, and if I was, some one WOULD protect me, just like in my dream.

 

[Mosaic]

I understand this, I still suffer from nightmares quite often but in mine no matter how hard I scream and kick and fight, he's always stronger and no one comes to help.
My other half doesn't bug for details either, just gives me a hug and says he can't hurt me.
The worst thing is seeing the person who caused you harm in public but well done for being able to pretend not to see him! That's amazing!
I've seen mine face to face only once in person since all of this happened and had a very bad panic attack, he saw me and the evil look he gave me when he saw the fear on my face was all I could see for days afterwards. Luckily I was with a colleague who took me away somewhere safe.

Our little comforts are essential, any little things that give us a feeling of safety. I'm glad to hear you have regained some control.

 

[Suomi_Kieli]

I hope that some day the nightmares abate for you, or that you will have a way to win your fight against him from now on. You're strong enough.