What If You Cannot Entirely Avoid The Situation?

[Gia]

In virtually all resources I have read, it states that the first step it to remove yourself from the situation or person that has caused the trauma.

In my case my mother is in nursing home and I am solely responsible for her care. Also, I have a lot of her junk in my garage and getting rid of it is a very large project that I barely have time to make a dent with. Lastly, my husband has been ill for the past couple of years and has developed issues of his own.

I took a very well paying, but utterly miserable, job to make up for the financial havoc my mother brought on to all of us and cannot find anything else. When I was very traumatized as a child, I got out of that mess and for a number of years had what would best be called post traumatic growth and did very well. Then my parents got sick and for the past ten years I have been thrown right back into their nightmare and then some.

So, I feel really overwhelmed and would love to escape as I did many years ago, but this time I feel like I have been shackled to their dysfunction and all of the secondary problems they caused.

So, my question is how do you cope when you can't remove yourself from the situation?

 

[71nothing]

Wow! Your situation sounds so similar to mine. I too am the closest child to my parents who are in a nursing home and demand a lot of attention. (I also have a garage full of their junk!)

My parents did not cause my trauma but they did ignore the fact that it was happening under their roof. Even to this day they have no understanding of what I went through.

I try to balance the care of them and the care of myself and my family. I am fortunate that they are in a good home that covers all their basic needs, goes on mini trips, provides lots of entertainment, and gives them lots of attention. Even all this is generally not good enough for my mother. Some things I do to set up boundaries include:
1. Not answering the phone if I don't want to.
2. Saying "no" if I'm unable to take them somewhere.
3. Not always going out for a meal every time I take them to a doctors appointment.
4. Not being available for last minute demands.
5. Controlling the topics of conversation when with them ( one time my mother decided to bring up the trauma which she hasn't discussed in 20 years and when she did discuss it the one time 20 years ago she wasn't interested in hearing it).

So those are some things I have found helpful. Don't get me wrong. It's still a very hard situation so I can feel for you. Are your parents in a good situation where at least their basic needs are met?

 

[Gia]

Thank you. My father is deceased and my mother is in a decent nursing home. The nursing home is fine and she is well cared for. I do have boundaries so I am no longer as entrenched as I once was and her needs are not so intense now that she is in the nursing home.

I guess there is nothing that can be done about this, but it is just that so much has happened over the past ten years and I feel constantly reminded of all of the stress and problems. For example, before all of this, I might drive past a certain place and have a good memory of some fun event. Now, I go somewhere and I am invariably reminded of something bad that happened. I even gave away a lot of my clothes to Goodwill because they are associated with something. The amount of trickle down/domino effects from this has been amazing and it is like almost everything is 6 degrees from these issues.

I really need to move away but that is not on the horizon for awhile. Anyway, thanks for the response.

 

[xena21]

I guess there is nothing that can be done about this, but it is just that so much has happened over the past ten years and I feel constantly reminded of all of the stress and problems.

I'm sorry you have to go through this miserable experience...actually experiences. What I relate to your struggle is what my Mom recently went through with her own Mother. She came from a DYSFUNCTIONAL family, and when it came time for her Mother to need help with living issues, my Mom was the one to do it. This was because of the family first mentality, that family is more important than anything else...even when they were the ones who caused the pain. My Mom knew what her Mother had done in the past, but the guilt of the family bond was too strong to allow her the freedom to choose herself.

That was until things became so overwhelming for her that she got advice form a religious figure. He was someone she trusted and explained to her that her life was more important than a family bond or obligation. She should NOT feel obligated or guilty to be the one to take care of a parent that abused her or any of her family. And this was coming from a Pastor! He advised her to "divorce" her family, basically divorce her Mother. That's what she did, and the relief of not having to care for her was amazing. And she didn't have to feel guilty about it!

I tell you this because I feel for you, and understand you must be living a nightmare dealing with this situation. Maybe you could look for guidance from someone you trust. Take care.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, you have my heart going out to you.

I can so relate to what you are going through. A few years ago I was the only caregiver for my mother in law who I did not like. I tried my best with her and things were better when we placed her in a home. We had to empty her house and we had a needy family that came and took what they liked and needed. It was really helpful, She lived for two years in the home.

Now I am the only caregiver for my husband who has parkinsons and lewey body dementia. I am in the process of gathering more support for myself. It is very hard because he has hallucinations and delusions. When he has delusions he falsely accuses me and gets angry with me. I am supposed to smile and tell him that I understand him. I have not done that yet, he is ok today and we saw the doctor yesterday.

I understand how difficult it is to be a caregiver for someone you do not like. I did it with my mother in law and it almost broke me. I am happy for your sake that your mom is placed in a home so you are relieved of the 24/7 caregiving. I encourage you to get rid of her stuff now so you do not have to do it later on.

My heart goes out to you. Please keep us updated on how you are doing ok?

I get through each day the best I can. I try not to go to the end result. I cried alot yesterday and I do not cry. That release seemed to help me to feel better. I have to wait another month, my HMO policy to get therapy. I will go back to therapy when I can. I think that would help.

Do you have a answering machine so it will pick up your mothers phone calls so you do not have to talk to her?

You are doing so well in taking care of her. I hope you will get decent closure. You are in my prayers for strength and courage to get through this ordeal with your mom. Hugs.

 

[Gia]

Thank you, again.

Overall and when compared to several years ago, things are better in terms of the intensity and day to day situations. Now I am dealing with trying to untangle all of the residual problems this has created, first and foremost is the constant state of fear/anxiety that the next shoe is going to drop, pessimism, depression, irritability and just a lack of being able to find joy in much of anything anymore. I really do feel like my core or spirit has been stolen from me. There are just so many secondary problems that have occurred because of this, some more serious than others.

On the less serious, but still frustrating side, my mother was a hoarder including cats. When we went to try to clean the house, there were cats everywhere. We couldn't bring ourselves to call in the pound, so yes, we ended up rescuing as many as possible and now, ten years later, I have twelve cats that have messed up my house plus all of her junk and that is after tons and tons were hauled away. Stupid things like this that have been a constant source of irritation.

Then there are the very serious issues such as the absolute toll it has taken on my whole outlook and hurt my family. Certain things are triggers that generate close to a panic attack and feelings of absolute dread. When these occur, I go into a tailspin.

So anyway, because of the vast array of primary, secondary and teriary levels of impact, I cannot stop living in anxiety and fear. Things that were once positive have now become associated with something negative. I know from first hand experience 40 years ago, the cure is to get away from everything that reminds you of the situation. It was a fresh start and it was wonderful.

Sometimes I get really down and wonder if basically this is it. I read somewhere that some people live with ptsd for the rest of their lives. I am not 18 anymore and it is going to probably take longer than I have to move past this. Plus there are just layers and layers of residual problems and when you are getting old, the opportunities for change are a whole lot more limited.

As I said earlier, I ended up taking a just miserable job in order to make up for the financial ruin we incurred and now I can't find anything else and certainly nothing that would pay this well in this economy so five days a week I am faced with being very unhappy as a secondary result of this mess and with no escape. Because this job is time consuming, I have practically no time to finish pitching her junk as well as just our own stuff that has accumulated. My husband has had two serious illnesses and he is next to impossible when it comes to asking for help so it is, as Shari Lewis used to sing, "This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friend..."

You know, the thing about ptsd is that it robs you of hope and it robs you of the core sense of who you are. It robs you of options and optimism and opportunity. It is insidious and you think you have escaped but it is still there, waiting for a false step or for you to come too close. I guess it is what it is.

Anyway, thanks again for the responses and I hope that all of us can once again be happy and put this behind us.

 

[ms spock]

I would suggest getting rid of all but two of the cats. Call a cat rescue and see if you can start rehousing the cats. Cat rescues are always rehousing and rehoming cats. It is not good for the cats to be one of twelve. Throw out anything that has been ruined by the cats.

Perhaps with the money saved on cat food. Get someone to clean up part of your place or remove and throw out your mother's stuff. There are cleaning programs like flylady which work on getting you into a cleaning routine that might be helpful.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I agree that you need to get rid of the cats. Can you have the Salvation Army come and haul away some of the stuff? You really need to get rid of it.

I am so sorry your mom was a hoarder. That is so complicated. I am sorry the cats have destroyed so much. You need to take trips to the dump mabe. I wonder if you know anyone with a truck that could haul stuff out of your space. Just taking care of these problems would take so much pressure off of you.

I am wishing you the best in all of this. Hugs.

 

[ms spock]

The other thing is to see if you can get one of those groups that helps people who are hoarders to help you - you, unfortunately took on your mother's hoarding practices. So now you need to get help to get out of the hoarding mode.

 

[Gia]

Thanks for the responses.
The cats and the junk are bothersome but not something I can do anything about right now. Those issues are just two pieces of a much larger picture. I wish I could peel back all of the paint and uncover the painting that used to be there, but maybe that just isn't possible. Thanks again.

 

[safenow]

I really need to move away but that is not on the horizon for awhile.

While I don't have the rest of your issues to deal with (thank heavens) I do have an issue where I feel like I need to move away so I can be safe and I can't leave.

It is something to have to stay put when you feel it's important for your sanity to move. I have been doing a lot of journal, praying, and trying to stay grounded. I have an appointment with my therapist next Friday to work on this same issue. Good luck.

 

[Gia]

Good Luck to you too.