What If You Don't Really Mean Anything To Anyone?

[oasis2003]

yes I have low grade dissociation sometimes for days. Everything and everyone just seems a bit unreal. I can totally zone out of my whole body and consciousness when I am really bad.

 

[xeljedi]

I see ads where they are made more powerful through connecting a kid to a parent, or a man to his girlfrie...

I had to sign up just to respond to you.

I have zero answers but I want to let you know you are not alone. I have struggled with depression and ptsd all of my life and have done an incredible amount of work to stil be alive today.

It's intermitently occured to me that under all of this furious action to try and repair situations over and over again, I have the fundamental belief that I mean nothing and am nothing to no one.

I want to be clear- a lot of people "like" me, but that's bc I do things for them or make them feel good. So far as I can tell , even and espesially in my own family, I (my real self has no value.)

So after considering this and trying to accept it...I've decided a few things.

1. I mean something to myself. I write a ton and enjoy my own company at times.

2. That may not be enough - Truth be told, the sadness of this state of affairs is sometimes bone crushing

3. All I can do is the best I can

4. It's possible that maybe I'm attracting users and abusers BECAUSE of the fundamental beleif I mean nothing

5. Since I am a curious person I am going to see what would happen in my life if I pretended I was meaningful to someone or even a group of people in a way that wasnt harmful to me

I hope you get that I don't mean to trivialize how difficult this realization and situation is.

It's a moment by moment thing....

 

[Chava]

Thank you xeljedi. I've noticed I'm not very interested in relationships, but relate to possibly attracting the wrong people. Actually, I think I have attracted a lot of really good people and run away from them. Personally, I have drawn myself towards difficult, cranky, and cold people...or basically anyone I can't actually have a real relationship with. My role is to cheer them up a bit or something. I don't know. On some level I probably feel threatened by emotionally healthy people because I have no idea how to communicate with them.

The good news, I hope, is that my previous therapist was quite sarcastic, and this started to not feel right (at least not in therapy). My current therapist is not cranky, cold, sarcastic, impatient, any of that. It's been difficult to even believe she's a real person. Or that I'm real to her, or that she will not dump me. But I think I've gotten through a lot of that, which has been hard, but I think good to go through (vs quit).

Still don't think I mean much to anyone. Emotional appeals in advertisements usually involve how we mean something to others...so just the idea that this is what it's all about and I never really arrived or something.

 

[Mecramski]

I get that feeling a lot. I'm hearing impaired and when in a group miss about 50% of what is being said so I avoid people often.
What got me out of it, and still works in volunteering. I found healthy (I too am a recovering alcoholic), positive people that became friends. I can't stress this enough to newcomers who say there's nothing to do, they're bored etc.... Check with a local volunteer agency and find something(s) that interest you. Your self esteem, self-worth and general happiness improve immediately without drugs!